twilight symphony
by Circus Fish
Summary: marauders era. Remus discovers his feelings for our dearest padfoot, but decides to keep quiet. Sirius discovers that Remus hides something and decides to find out; but how does he cope with certain relevations? L-O-V-E? What's that?
1. bonfire of interest

**Title:** Twilight Symphony

**Author:** Circus_Fish

**Disclaimer:** Don't own, don't ask, don't sue...been there, bought the shirt, right?

a/n: The (second person) POV of some bloke, who remembers his school days and thus Sirius' and Remus' interactions. This chapter will be the only one to show this POV, the following chaps are written in your usual third person perspective.

* * *

The Bonfire of Interest _or_ The Colour of their Tears

It was 1973, somewhere around march, when you decided, rather foolishly, to act like a complete and utter imbecile.

Now, years later, you can not understand what propelled you to do so, to corner someone who, in hindight, was so obviously not interested in you, your life, or whatever it was that ran through that thick, unthinking skull of yours, but back then it seemed like the ideal thing to do-

to ask Remus John Lupin, member of the infamous marauders, prefect extraordinaire, about the things he disliked the most.

A lot of time has passed since then, a hundred black marks have singed the sky, and thousand of people have shed a million of tears, and yet, inspite of all the horror, you can still remember the smile Remus offered you for your ridiculous question.

It was a friendly smile, polite. Free of malice and liberated of any kind of gelid amusement, and while it warmed you down to your tiny toes, it was also so very, very, very _fake_. Back then, in this strange march of unique importance, this realisation eluded you, just like it eluded most people who spoke with Remus and who believed, so easily, that the smiles they received were indead _healthy_.

You wonder now, and gape at your own obliviousness while doing so, how you could have overlooked it, how you could have missed the fact, that the boy's eyes were halfway closed and dull when he smiled at you, whereas they were wide open and burning when his friends surrounded him.

His friends, James and Sirius, who managed to be legends when they were only children, when they were alive and seemingly mortal, and who would decend into the stuff of myths with their deaths.

You remember that fake smile -and the smiles you saw flying past you, when Remus was with his group of friends, the smiles ge gave most frequently when he was with Sirius Black, who always appeared to be standing the closest to the sandy haired boy- and you remember the look the two other boys, again at his side, again giving comfort, again being family, shared at your question-

and you remember, of course, the unrestrained laughter that followed only shortly afterwards.

You can not be angry anymore at their behaviour, can not condem them any longer- you know, now, how stupid and rude, how mind blowingly _weird_ your question had been- , but you remember feeling hurt and embarassed and so incredible violated that you wished to just stop existing in this very moment.

For Hogwart's best athlete and it's best looking student were laughing at you and you had never felt as insignificant, as ridiculous.

It cost some time for James and Sirius to sober, cost time for everything to be quiet enough so that Remus could answer your question- You could not understand what was so_ funny_, anyway- and just wished for them to be their divine self somewhere else- and then the sandy-haired youth gazed at you and lulled you, without ill meaning, into treacly illusions.

All those years ago, the prefect started like this:

"I dislike the mango pudding that is served here every friday, the portrait of Lavanya Bigott on the second floor- she is rude and loud and alltogether too strict. I dislike the colour pink, the smell of the flower we're currently supposed to replant in herbeology - how can one replant something when it has _teeth_?! Honestly, I shall never understand this...- and I do not have any affinity for wolfsbane in general. Furthermore I dislike divination for it's utter nonsense and- "

Remus paused mid-sentence to look at his friends and claim:

"-loud, obnoxious people, whose egos are the size of the great hall and who, in addition, can not control their mouths- and their words- even if their grades depend on it. A fact that happens to be quite comically, because they still get top grades. In addition people who do not pick up a book unless to throw it are all evil to me--"

This declaration gave birth to roaring laughter. The light haired boy crossed his arms -while he was, obviously remembering said incident- and pouted, which, inspite of the manic act of laughing his heart out, did not go unnoticed by the young Black. Still chuckling, Sirius wound his own arms around Remus' slender frame and rested his chin on the smaller boy's shoulder. Surprisingly enough, Remus did neither flinch nor stiffen; instead, he nestled, almost comforted, back against the taller boy.

In Black's strangely inimate embrace, he ended his story like this:

"What I dislike the most though, is the night sky."

With that said, he wished you a good evening and left with his friends for his next class. The boy did not look back, but James and Sirius did, grinning broadly. You were alone, _gobsmacked_ and tried, vehementaly, to rearrange the thoughts inside your head. Remus' answer had been anything but expected and you still remember the feel of the cold confusiom upon your tongue.

All those years ago you deemed this whole situation unfair, thought it unjust to be left in the dark like this...

Now, you know that you had seen your first ray of light, the first whisper of truth.

* * *

"Blimey, Remus what was that supposed to be?! You don't like the pudding that is served on friday?! Why in the name of Merlin's pink beard were you naming that_ of all things_?!"

James was grinning,

"Well, I do not like it. I also do not like the portrait."

as was Sirius.

"--but you know that her name is Vita, right? --And that instead of being rude, the good chick is rather lazy? So lazy in fact, that she forgets her very own passwords?"

and Remus started to be coloured by their vivid hues of mirth, as well.

"Maybe...?"

"You are also aware, that you just said you disliked some of your _classes_? What has gotten into you, mate?"

"Well, you see dearest Jamie, that deduction is not quite right. After all divination is not even one of _his own_ classes."

"Well, I still do not like it; and I will not. Ever."

the true smile that had come to live across Remus' face faltered, stumbled in the intense pain, but then there were Sirius' arm around his shoulder; a warm, secure weight pulling him away from his fears, his worries, pulling him away from himself.

James, for once, was silent. His smile had not evaporated, had not left but remained at the corner of his mouth, but the hazel eyes behind his glasses lingered protectively on his friends, who he wanted to be content and safe more than anything else.

Sirius' grin was still alive, pseudo-uncaring to the darkness that was eating away at his friends; the things was, that the black haired boy had nothing else to do, no other solution but to grin and raise his eyebrows over eyes which were showing a steady inner rainfall.

His mask, his grin was the sole thing he had which could substitute for his friend's compassion when he was away, when he was trapped in his family's madness and wandering through the bloodied halls of Grimmauld Place. Sirius himself did not want to know what lay benath his grinning lips, just as he could not bring himself to look benath the surface of the walls in london; he suspected that both things were soiled, dripping wet-with the past's tears, its gore, its hideous crimes-and brittle.

Sirius gazed with those fooling silver eyes at Remus,

"--and why may that be, dearest ball of fluff? It could not possible be, that our dearest professor Mc Fasel has predicted my early death? Remus! That guy_ bathes_ in mushroom extract! You can not possible believe what he says?!"

"He should not have said that, that's all I'm saying. I mean he can not go around and predict people's lives and especially not their deaths!"

"Oh yes, he can Remus. He's our divination professor after all; I mean I was actually _lucky_ that he did not predict my being impotent or crippled or something; let me assure you, he's quite fond of doing that."

James' blush was telling an unfriendly, unhappy tale and led to Remus frowing up at the Black heir.

"You can't be serious about that."

he had not even fully registered what he said before the frown came to rest upon his features.

"Of course he's Sirius about that! He is _Sirius-_ in the flesh, or have you already forgotten about your dear, beloved dormmate? Shame on you lupin! Bad furrball!"

"No, I do not think that he has forgotten me, Jamie, but I think that_ you_ would like to forget that eerie Mc Fasel has seen you impotent when you where 30, my dear Evans-obsessed mate."

For the next few minutes there was spluttering, cursing -luckily not literary, Hogwart's student populution was still suffering from yesterday's prank of unexpectadly growing body parts- and James trying, desperately, to defend his fungus-like dignity:

"He did not say, that I'd be impotent, you daft git! Fasel only mumbled something inane about me having no children after I turn 30, which can mean a damn lot of things, beside that! And anyway, Pete is the one he saw crippled, not me."

"--and_ anyway,_ James, Remus loves me too much to forget about me, right?"

Sirius looked into the werewolf's eyes and it would be the his turn to blush hotly and the bespacled boy's to laugh. Absolutely not knowing how close he came to discover the truth, Sirius would pull the smaller boy closer and ruffle his hair.

it was 1973, somewhere around march, when you decided, rather foolishly, to act like a complete and utter imbecile.

..

Now, years later, you still remember the smile which he bestowed so kindly, so lyingly upon you.

The sandy haired boy had told you many things, most of them which you did not expect; most of the things he disliked would never find its way to you.

Remus could have told you, all those years ago, that, at the moment he disliked you for voicing a quetion which you did not truly to be answered honestly.

For, what would youhave done where he to breath that his dislikes were silver, the full moon and his scars- what would you have said?

Can you truly claim that you could have looked at him and not seen a monster? Can you indeed--?

There was a reason why Remus told these kind of things only to James and Sirius, you can guess which, can you not?

There are certain truths in life that one can not stomach; that is why he lied this smile for you and why, even when he loved them dearly, he did not tell everything to his friends.

For, what would they do, if they knew that he did not dislike the full moon as much as he let on, simply because Sirius would care for him at his time of need?

Could they still laugh with him? He thought so, but with this truth came another, far more dangerous one, and a new, hovering question-

What would his friends do, wonderful as they were, if they were aware that he disliked every girl that Sirius ever had, and not for the reason a friend should do so?

What would his friends do, if they found out that he was jealous of these girls? That he would like to sit in Sirius' lap and share his bed?

Remus hated himself for this; for his thoughts, his dreams, for the things that he thought could not be right, but could not be righted either.

He hated himself and found himself frequently wishing for a cure which did not exist and would likely never come into existence.

The werewolf had tried to bury his feeligs, had tried to tell himself that it was an insignificant, but understandable crush, but even denial only worked for so long.

After he came to terms with his feelings -the shivers, the jolts, the everything- he decided that he could not stop it, but that he could not burden the other with it either.

Or anyone, for that matter.

So when Remus was asked about what he disliked the most, he would tell you anything as long as you would stop prying.

His problem was that poor, intelligent, kind remus lacked the dark talents of mankind. He was bad at lying, too klutzy to avoid somebody over an extended period of time (eventually -most likely while he tried to read and walk and worry at the same time- he would literally _fall_ into the very person he tried to avoi ) and too honest to be any good at secrecy.

Mind you, he could hide the secrets of others very well, (who knew that Potter wore pink socks over an entire school year? Or that Pettigrew was afraid of cats? So much so, in fact, that he could pass out, hopefully nowhere near you for he was quite the heavy boy, very easily? Who knew that that Black had a breakdown after his first time? That he was_ twelve_?) just not his own, these were always discovered rather fast.

Now, you could say that this was not really his fault, after all, how was he supposed to keep things secret from somebody as smart as James or somebody as bright as Sirius? No thought, no secret, no nothing was safe from these two, and that was precisely what made this situation difficult.

Without knowing it, without wanting it, the sandy haired boy has sparked a flame of interest in his friend Sirius Black. The flame that had once been small and sickly had burned since their first meeting, and was by now a bonfire.

This bonfire of interest made Sirius very observant around the younger boy, and Remus' crush on the other made it all the more difficult for him to hide his feelings.

So when the lycan went out of his way to keep something secret, Sirius went out of his way to find out about it.

It was obvious, that it was only a matter of time, until the black haired youth discovered the others secret-his feelings.

How would you have reacted if Remus had told you?

Do you know, can you guess?

It is your luck that your reaction does not, did not matter, but Sirius'

Do you know, can you imagine how he reacted, in the last months of 1973, when he found out?

No? then let's draw this lover's tale for you, in the colour of their tears.


	2. the love of sweet misery

Disclaimer: Trust me, you would have noticed it, if I were to own HP -laughs-

Synopsis: An unknown and trivial character asks about Remus' dislikes; the werewolf cloaks himself in half thruths and an unhappy smile, later it becomes obvious that Remus dislikes himself for falling for Sirius. He considers his feelings as troublesome and has decided to not bother anyone with then but will soon face a few problems, because Sirius realises that something is "off" and will not rest until he knows what troubles his friend.

o

Twilight Symphony

Chapter 01: Sweet Misery's Love or rose coloured epiphany

o

* * *

There were days, Remus supposed with a frown marring his usual gentle face, where it seemed to be far wiser to stay in ones warm, comfortable and most of all safe bed no matter what.

Everyone had such moments, hours, days even, where every hour in between sunrise and sunset was filled with dread and vermilion stained mishaps; had days where failure seemed to be a given and embarrassment the instrument playing the solo in your main theme, had days where your nose itched and your ears hurt and where your own head felt heavy with confusion.

Everyone had days were simply everything seemed to go wrong, but, Remus thought quite moodily, no one seemed to _collect _these days the way he did. Something about him, James had supplied once, attracted especially shitty and embarrassing days with an unhealthy, thrice cursed passion. James, of course, found this tendency highly amusing and enjoyed his struggle openly and Sirius, who had given his consent to James' opinion while grinning lopsidedly, usually "only" told him, that Remus was not to worry, because he had, after all, the one and only Sirius Black to take care of him.

But instead of making it better, Sirius' presence made it actually worse. The werwolf could not help but notice that he stumbled and fell, got drenched and yelled at, forgot and misplaced things far more often when the black haired youth _was_ around.

Although, when Remus was to be honest with himself, it was not really Sirius' but his own fault; Sirius had not been the one stupid enough to fall for his mate, but Remus himself.

Of course falling for Sirius was not really all that stupid, unless one found mainstream things stupid to begin with, seeing as crushing on him seemed to be the new trend at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.

And why not?

After all Sirius was gorgeous, intelligent and talented- when Remus was to trust all those annoying rumours that he could not seem to overhear and that made him even jumpier around his friend- in even the more carnal things.

Still there was something, which angered Remus.

All those girls… did they really love Sirius? Could they? He knew his friend, or he wished that he did, and was therefore aware of the fact that Sirius always pretended to be _someone else_, unless he was with his friends; friends to whom Remus did, strangely grateful, belong to.

When the black heir got the limelight, he acted as though he cared for nothing, desired nothing and treasured nothing, and in all honesty, that was_ not_ the Sirius that Remus knew, the one he _liked_.

Remus' Sirius - his heart speed doubled slightly with that thought- was wild but gentle, full of grace but sometimes insecure, almost rough, humorous but serious when needed.

The Sirius that appeared when the light was dimmed would listen to him babble, would sit in the hospital wing as soon as the sun rose after each and every full moon- even if it did mean to oppose the wildly complaining Poppy- and give him sweet treats whenever the lycanthrope truly needed them.

This Sirius-_ his Sirius_- was a stranger, a secret to all the girls who fawned so willingly over him, and for all Remus was worth, he was not sure, if this was a good or a bad thing. Remus doubted his ability to share his Sirius, when he found it already so difficult to share the other one.

With this single stray thought something clicked into place.

_-That's not making any sense-_

So, falling for Sirius was not stupid? He_ had_ established this before...

...but the two ways one _could_ do it - as a classmate, where one simply could not know the real Sirius, for that side of him was rather good at hiding, or as a close friend, like Remus, hopefully just like Remus, he could not live with the thought that James -or worse Peter- fancied Sirius, were _both_ inane?

_-I'm not making any sense-_

The epiphany rooted his feet, and sealed, quite frankly, his fate.

If Remus had been thinking straight -hell, he was not even straight, how could he _think_ that way then?- he would have told you - or any student for that matter- that one of the most suicidal, most foolish, most dangerous things you could do at Hogwarts was to block the way to a Quidditsh match.

It did not matter, he would say, gently, if you did it on purpose or accidentally, if somebody hexed you to the spot, or if you had had lost your toad and trying to relocate it, it did mot matter if you were deadly injured, or throwing Galleons around, if you were foolish enough, to block the way to one of Hogwart's Quidditsh matches you were just_ so_ dead.

If you were lucky and managed to block the way for only a_ few_ people, you might survive, certainly not unscathed but alive enough to watch the game, but if you were to block the way for a lot people, pain would be an crucial understatement.

Remus, being the nice. helpful boy that he was, proved James' theory about him attracting especially shitty days right then and there right. Probably for the hundredth time...that day.

For he did not only manage to block the way to _any_ Quidditsh match,no, that would have been far to moderate, he managed to block the way to the match Gryffindor versus Slytherin, and not only did he block the way for a few people, he blocked the way for a few _hundreds_ of people.

Now you may ask- How exactly did Remus do_ that_ of all things?

He -or better yet his feet- decided to root on the first step of the giant stairs, while he had a crowd of students behind him, who would simply not slow down for the poor boy, not even for his well being. So it came that only seconds after Remus' confusing thoughts, and his fatal mistake he was being pushed down, lost his balance and tumbled downwards to meet his destiny.

Though, Remus expected his destiny to be the hard stone floor and not the chest of one Sirius Black.

And he certainly did not expect to end up sprawled all over him, either, for that matter.

"Hey! You alright mate?"

Remus found himself tongue-tied. Never before had he been this close to the other, never felt the curves and planes of Sirius' body against his own in such a compromising position, never smelled him from such a _minimalistic_ distance.

Sirius' smell, a mixture of vanilla and something metallic, was clearly prominent that day, almost tangible and Remus only needed a fraction of a moment, three blinks of his eyes, to understand, with a growl crawling in his throat and wanting to be let _out_, why exactly this was.

_-how was that again? Collecting Shitty Days? Of course, why not! After all, I simply had to fall on top of Sirius –also known as my absolutely unhealthy infatuation- two days before the full moon, when my senses are sharper than I would like them to be and I can't help but notice how alluring he smells or how warm he is. And of course he has not yet donned his coat, so that I can…oh-_

Scoring heat began to travel through Remus' veins, part of the heat was turning his cheeks crimson, while the rest pooled, seemingly content, at his nether regions and forced him to scramble down and away from his friend with darkened honey coloured eyes.

_-oh, by Circes' love for bestiality I think I felt…when I lay on him…through his trousers…-_

Luckily Remus had donned his coat, or else Sirius might have been aware of his friend's feelings a bit sooner.

"Remus? You there, mate?"

"Wha? I…err…"

"Remus,"

Long fingers touched the werwolf's cheek, stroked it gently, almost patiently until Remus' disturbingly erratic breathing calmed down. When the smaller boy trusted himself enough to look up, he found that Sirius' eyes were worried but gentle.

_-beautiful_

He smiled,

"Sirus…I'm okay."

and Sirius smiled back, simple as that.

"Nice to hear this, even when I_'_d like to know what this spectacle was supposed to be..."

"I …you, well, you know the shitty days, or rather, the days when I attrack everything shitty and ...well, today is one of these days- as you seem to have figured out, judging by your grin, thank you very much, I do appreciate my dignity you brat- and you startled --"

"-I startled you? Dearest boy- you _fell_ on me! So how did _I_, in Thalia's unforgotten name, startle _you_?!"

Remus blushed scarlet again, but managed thankfully to glare at Sirius while doing so.

"I wouldn't have fallen on you, if you wouldn't have decided to try and catch me!"

"And then? You'd have a _tête-à-tête_ with the stone floor and probably a few _hundred _pairs of feet!! Did you want, or prefer that?"

"Of course not! But you did not have to…well..."

"What? Remus…is the notion of touching me so disgusting?"

Remus' face drained of all colour and for a few painful seconds he forgot to talk, forgot how to form a coherent thought, forgot even to breathe. Immense guilt gripped him, tried to suffocate him, while fragments of thoughts, unfinished and senseless floated aimlessly inside his head. And then -Sirius had touched him again, pulled him closer- the spell, the grip was broken and he remembered how to live.

Strange as it sounded, Sirius' face, smirking and mirthfull had helped him to do that.

"You! That was a joke wasn't it! Did you want to shock me to death??"

"Well, how was I to know that you would take it like that? I mean, siriusly Remus, I know that you like me, I mean, how else would you be able to survive me? There is no other explanation is there...?"

The sandy haired youth looked as his friend, his crush, his death sentence and noticed that the sentence sounded very much like a question and that the look in the taller boy's eyes did appear very amused at all. Speaking almost silently, Remus voiced the others poisonous worries.

"I could use you, for your fame and your money. I could simply pretend being your friend, while in truth I could hate you all this time..."

Sirius' hand on his shoulder fisted and his lips lost their grin, the way a jester drops one of his most effeciant masks.

"No...you could not do that. That's not who you are...right?"

Remus moved his hand from his side and up to Sirius', covered the much larger hand with his own and sqeezed it comfortingly.

"No...I really could not do that to you. I mean--we are friends and I do like you. So...don't worry, yes?"

The taller boy laughed, suddenly, achingly, and pulled the werwolf after him, without ever letting go of his hand.

"_Moi?_ Worrying? Really Remus, stop spouting fiddlesticks, after all that is Peter's job and not yours... Stealing other people their job...that's truly evil you know?"

"I am _not sprouting fiddlesticks!_ I am not evil either! And anyway, what are you doing here? Especially when I bother you that much? Isn't there a game in which you have to participate?"

"I, my dearest friend, could not rest knowing that you are, right now, again in the grasp of lady misery, meaning that you are in mortal danger! So I went out to collect you and guide you to the game myself, making sure that my precious ball of fluff will not be hurt."

"However sweet that was of you...I'm sure that James will have your head for arriving late..."

Sirius stopped now and turned around and Remus saw - now that the black haired boy was out of his way- that they had reached the Quidditsh field.

"Well, that might be possible, but I will risk my head every time if it will ensure the safety of yours."

Every word died inside of him and a blush blossomed from the withered things and tinted his cheeks an unhappy red.

"Anyway, I'm pretty sure that James will not rid me of my beautiful head before we've won the match...so seeing as this might be my last match...watch me Remus, okay?!"

He nodded and Sirius turned around and left.

And Remus did watch him, but not because Sirius had wanted him to, not because he could not follow the movements of the others, simply because, just like every game before, Remus' eyes could not linger anywhere but Sirius.

It was because of this habit of his, that Remus was not aware of a pair of emerald eyes watching him watching Sirius and so it came as quite the shock when Lily Evans approached him and told him, that she needed to talk to him. Alone.

The love of sweet misery herself seemed to grow with time.

* * *

kateybutler813: You made me happy, you really did! My first reviewer! It's because of you, that I'm able to post this story today (I started writing as soon as I read your review -smiles-). I hope it does not disappoint you...

Lithien: Well, you don't have to wait any longer...I hope, that you still enjoy reading my fic and decide that it's worth clicking that nice button down there ...'kay? x3

platinumvamp: -grins- The smutt will come, believe me --it will. I simply thought that they should not jump each other in the first few chapters...I mean, it's that I would not enjoy it...but you know, the evil plot bunny bit me and I had to write something like this. You don't have to wait too long, so please be patient...I'm very happy about the fact that you love still it -cuddles her pillow in obvious joy-


	3. the star of hope

Disclaimer: I don't even own wizard devouring tapestry, don't even start about the rights...

Synopsis: Remus has a quarrel with Lady Luck; in her stead Sweet Misery attaches herself to him. He comes to the conclusion that there are many people heads over heels for him, but that the majority of his admirerers do not even know him. He can not decide, if it is worse to be inaftuated with him when one does not know him, or when one is his friend. An epiphany ends with him tumbling down the stais and Sirius catches him. After the matcch Gryffindor vs Slytherin, Lily Evans approaches her friend and declares that she is to talk with him.

o

Twilight Symphony

Chapter 02: Star of Hope

o

* * *

There were hands on his chest-

They were white and graceful, strong yet incredibly caring. He had always loved these hands, watched them with avid interest; he had always wondered just how it would feel if they would touch him in such a way...

And now...now he knew.

And _oh_ it was wonderful. Better than wonderful.

Those hands were burning into him, trailing downwards, robbing him of his breath and a bit of his sanity. He gasped and the other dug his nails into his skin, neither too hard, nor to deep, just so that he would feel them, would feel him so very close, so temptingly near. He bit his lower lip and tried to hear the other through the alarmingly loud beat of his own dissolving heart.

There was a mouth worrying the skin of his throat-

He did not see that mouth, the full, blood coloured lips, but he knew it, could draw it from memory alone, had seen it in thousand of forms, watched it burn in a million of masks and still hungered for it with mad, raging passion.

Teeth sunk into his skin, branded him and he could not bring himself to care, it was difficult enough to cage the sobs which wanted to burst from his lips; sobs and cries which would be forever tearless in their intensity, their utter perfection. Their honesty.

The lips left his bruising skin and eyes the color of mercury gazed at him, trapped him silently, before they closed and he was kissed. A tongue parted his mouth and touched his, making it impossible for him to stay silent. Or calm. Or unmoving. Or...not infatuated.

The hands began to wander downward now.

And the mouth followed their track.

For a moment he missed the kiss and its heat, the pleasure and its desperate carefulness, he missed it genuinely until he glimpsed Sirius' tantalizing tongue touching his nipple and then…he was too preoccupied to miss anything any longer.

A single finger traced his hip bone, his thigh, while the other digits curled in his pubic hair, massaging him slowly,knowingly. He ached into the touch, into the mouth as well the fingers and-- _keened_.

He wanted more!

He reached out for Sirius and --did not grasp him, did not embrace him...

-instead of all things pleasurable and nice, he woke up...

The first thing he saw was Sirius. The real one.

With a girl straddling his lap.

Something inside of him screamed in fury, _growled_ and he...he bolted.

Remus footsteps sounded deafening.

And he wished fervently that he would be deaf-_deaf and blind and mute and_- , because deaf meant, in these sullen moments of pain and truth, to be safe, to be free, deaf meant that sounds and noises –_moans and whispers and giddy laughter_- would be beloved strangers to him.

If he was deaf, Sirius could have never penetrated him the way he did. His voice was one of the things, that were especially wonderful, deadly about him. It never faltered, never screeched, was low and rich and …magic in itself. If Remus would be deaf…it would mean that it would not hurt so badly.

_-But it would still hurt and you know it, Lupin._

The werewolf chewed on his lip and tried not to cry.

He knew that he would be infatuated with the black haired boy even sans the ability to listen to Sirius' words of friendship and wonder.

There was simply no way about it, no room to speculate, because Sirius was far more than hearing, was even more than seeing _–and, remember, there's a lot to see, with his crimson lips and bewitching eyes and his raven hair and his long-fingered hands…-_ , Sirius was simply so much more for Remus to begin with.

He was the hand that offered the werewolf friendship, hope and safety, the mouth that promised him freedom, the eyes that gave him comfort and acceptance.

It was Sirius' fault, that Remus had developed at least some sense of self respect, that the sandy-haired boy had begun to have faith in himself, his fault that, at night with the moon lurking above him, it was easier for Remus to sleep and that he could voice his thoughts aloud and unafraid now.

The taller boy's acceptance had come like a tidal wave, had held him captive until Remus himself came to accept not only what but also who he was. Currently, though he felt his dreams haunted again, but the eyes watching him were no longer golden, but silver and stirred even stronger feelings of dread in his chest.

The thought that he was not only a werewolf, but also gay troubled him. Greatly.

Especially because it gave him the feeling that he was using Sirius.

He knew that Sirius felt the safest when he was with James and him, that he trusted them the most, that their companionship gave him, his so-called freedom. In their midst Sirius had not to worry about presentation, appearance and pure blood madness.

While surrounded by others, Sirius always pretended, acted, played and half-lied to protect himself from possible pain, possible danger. Sirius was of the strong opinion, that if anyone knew his weak points, they would be used against him.

With James and Remus there were no lies, because no matter how experienced Sirius was in those carnal things, the dark things, even in the vile things,he could not fathom that it was possible for any of his close, wonderful, trusted friends to fall for him, to _use_ him in such a ghastly way.

Remus hated himself for falling for his best friend, even when it was, as he had decided yesterday during the Quidditsh match, an understandable thing to do.

Understandable but hopeless and very, very masochistic…_and very, very wrong._

Looking up, Remus saw the heavy rose-wood door which lead to his destination, and sighed.

The other students, his friends included, would be down in the great hall for dinner which meant that the library would be almost deserted, his only companion, beside the books, would be Madam Pince, the young librarian with the worried green eyes and the reluctant smile.

Admittedly, the fact that she was as strict as McGonagall was a bit unsettling, but somehow Remus had taken a liking to her and she to him as it seemed. Whenever he would go to the library to read or to enjoy some peaceful, hormone-free hours she would smile -slightly- and wish him a good day.

It was the same way in which she greeted Lily; Sirius though, was usually greeted with a unbecoming frown and slightly red tinged cheeks, Madame Pince would only allow herself to smile when the black haired boy turned his back on her.

James and Peter were, with the aid of some choice words, usually chased out of the libary as soon as they set their feet inside the halls, and while it made Remus' stomach churn slightly, he could not help but to be relieved.

The library was his sanctuary, and -as Sirius put it- James needed some "sirius" deflating of his ego, until he would understand that, he was, after all, a right git.

Looking back- just to make sure, that neither James nor Peter followed him- he pushed the un-creaking door open and --started.

Madam Pince's usual scent of aloe Vera and old ink was replaced by something sweet and flowery, something new that he  
could not quite place or understand.

Confusion seeped into Remus' expression and as he tried to make out where the scents originated from, he failed to notice the form sitting on the floor, it was only when the person raised her head -and her voice- that he became aware of her:

"Hey! Mind your bloody steps!"

Sadly it was too late by then.

With a most undignified squeak Remus tumbled over the girl's legs and found himself attracted to the earth wit sudden fervour.

For a few moments he stayed like this, on the cold floor with his hands under his body, waiting for Madam Pince to scold him, but... nothing happened.

Finding his Gryffindor backbone- something that he treasured quite a lot- he risked a glance at the owner of said legs and found himself face to face with Maya Pince, Madam Pince's younger sister.

Mumbling an apology he made to stand up, the girl though, stayed seated on the ground with her nose in one of the ancient looking books.

"Er...My apologies, I did not mean to hurt you..."

Maya did not reply and Remus suddenly found himself thinking, wondering, if she was unconscious...but had he not heard her talking just now? He tried again:

"Are you alright? Shall I get your sister?"

He saw her lips twitch, saw her turning another page in her book, but nothing else happened, except that he could hear somebody coming closer. The footsteps sounded familiar, but weren't those of the libarian.

"Remus? There you are! I was waiting for you!" Lily's eyes wandered for a second to the other girl and she smiled broadly "Did you make him scream like that?" A nod, a deeper frown, a sigh "Wonderful! My own Remus trap! That's exactly what I needed- can I borrow you again?" The girl rolled her eyes and returned her complete attention to her book, "I'll see you later, okay? Come Remus we need to talk. Now."

And with that Lily grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

"You're friends with her?"

"Yes. Maya is sharing a dorm with me and Alice."

"But...you're friends with her?"

The girl raised an eyebrow at that

"Yes, again. Remus please tell me, that Potter's stupidity is not really contagious, okay? With whom else am I supposed to be friends with? Besides Alice? All those other girls...either they're gossiping or they're giggling, most of the time, they're both and I really can not stant that."

"Lily, they're girls..."

"And I'm a girl, too! Some of them don't even have to wear bra's, but they keep on acting as though they're Venus herself!"

"I don't think that's who they want to be; I mean...living inside a shell can not be this nice, I bet that the smell is awful."

"Are you telling me what girls want, Remus?--wait, I think, maybe this is not as wrong as it sounds."

"Please..?"

"I may be a girl, but I am certainly unlike them, and so, it is not possible for me to understand them."

_-Okay...she's being perfectly logical...which means that whatever she's trying to say can't be healthy. For me. Sweet chocolate..._

"But you, my dear, you are a lot like them, and this _similarity _should enable you to understand them."

"_What??_"

"You know, one of the main reason why they giggle _is_ the same reason why you blush at odd times, fall over your own feet at other times and suddenly become, rather derangingly mute. You know that reason has two legs, two arms, long black hair and a really bad habit of breaking hearts."

"Lily...please. Can't we talk about something -someone- _else_? It's bad enough hat I've to think of him every other second."

"Well, then Potter's stupidity is at least not contagious."

"Hm?? Lily, really, James is not that bad."

"If you can think about him that much, do your homework, write your exams and talk with me than you have to be clever. And he is that bad. No more talking about him."

"Well, I'm trying..."

"That's good; I'd hate to lose the one boy of the four of you with whom I can talk!"

"Err...you could also talk with Peter?!"

"Yes, I could, but about what? Food and Potter? That's neither pleasant, nor challenging."

"You could talk with James?"

"Remus...what did I say? And anyway, do you want to kill me? Drive me insane?"

"You can talk with" his breath hitched and Lily smiled, victoriously "Sirius?"

"And about what?"

He heard the barely contained laughter in her voice and realised that he was in for some -Sirius- teasing.

"Maybe...I _should_ talk with him about you, dearest Remus. I think he'd like to know why you're acting so strange towards him, why you're avoiding him at times and always averting you eyes when he looks at you"

"I do not think that he'd like to get answers to questions he does not have."

The red head blinked and sat down at one of the tables, gesturing, gently, for Remus to do the same.

"Remus."

"_Lily_. Didn't we agree not to mention him?"

"You broached the subject."

The werewolf sighed and pulled his knees up, knowing that it was useless to argue with the older prefect. For months she had wanted to talk with him about his so called situation and now she seemed to have had enough.

"Why are you so interested in my non-existent love life? It's not really interesting after all."

"Not interesting? Remus Lupin being in love with Sirius Black? I bet a lot people would find it more than just plain _interesting_."

Remus did not reply, but lowered his head so that it lay upon his clenched and scarred hands. In this position he looked like misery personified, pale and unhappy-_grieving_, even- and Lily touched his arm to see if there was still some warmth in him, some hope that would help him to go on. Feeling the tension in his body, the girl tried ... to do something about it, tried to do anything for her friend.

"But as I said before, I am not interested in chitchat, so it does not matter if it is not interesting, what does matter is, if it is important. And it_ is_ important when it hurts you this much."

"What Can I do about it? Lily...we both know that this is not some crush, it can't be some crush. After all it's Sirius..."

She shook her head as she saw the way Remus' brow crinkled at his unintended pun; knowing from experience how annoying that could be.

"There are a lot of girls who have a crush on him and they still manage to stay happy, for them it's nothing major."

"But I'm not like them...not in that aspect at least."

"That's right. You're his friend, after all."

"Friend...I am not doing a good job at being one. He _trusts_ me and I ...I lust after him. Lily- I dreamed about him tonight."

"Remus, that's normal and not something to hate yourself for."

"But it's not right! I should not think about my male best friend in such a way. Especially when he's in the same bloody room as I! And do you know what he was doing? Snogging some random lass! While I…I imagined him doing things to me that are so...wrong."

""Wrong", Remus? Isn't that a bit harsh? Don't you think you've tortured yourself enough? You did not decide to fall in love with him, after all. So stop berating yourself, stop hurting yourself."

He shot her a sideway glace.

"Don't you mind me being gay?"

"What? First of all, I don't think of you as gay, the only person you've feelings for is Sirius and he's known to make the _portraits_ fall head over heels for him. Remember the one on the third floor? She claims that he's her soul-mate or something. Secondly, even if you were gay, I would not mind. I've seen Lucius Malfoy in stockings, thanks to you and your daft friends, do you think anything else –especially something so _harmless_- will shock me after that? "

"Actually...it's not so much the gay part that...disgusts me. The problem is the "he's my best friend" part. He does not know that I'm using him the way I do, for all his blassé behaviour, he is too naive to think that I could lust after him. And it makes me sick to the pits of my stomach to know that."

His face turned pale with horror and she could see him quiver beneath his robes, she tried to calm him down, but failed and it was then that she had to admit something to the both of them.

"I was a fool. I thought that I could help you...but, alas I can not."

"But Lily...you _do_ help me. Really, it's just that you can't undo things...and that's what I'd need the most."

"No, that's not what you need the most. What you need the most is Sirius."

"And the moment he realises this desire is the moment I will never see him again. I can't loose his friendship; I could not go on without it"

"But you can not go on like this either! You say that you can not live without his friendship, but right now you're more dead than alive, hating yourself not only because you fancy him, but also because you think you abuse him! This is just stupid, Remus. You do have reasons for loving him, right? And if he's good enough for you to love, then he will accept your feelings...I simply can't picture you two not being friends, however much I would have liked him to evaporate into thin, silent air."

_-If he is good enough...?_

Remus bit down on the mirthless laughter which dared to escape his frantic heart, while he thought the notion that Sirius- _gorgeous, smart, wonderful, straight_- Sirius could love him asinine, abstract and awry.

The lycanthrope did not believe in such miracles, nor did he want to.

What he wanted was Sirius' friendship, him by his side, even if it meant watching him devour girl after girl.

Remus, being the smart kid that he was, knew that he risked that chance by not telling the other, by lying to him; the black haired boy hated secrets, despised them heatedly and would hold a grudge forever if you were to not tell him something. Even if you just forgot to tell him that you were allergic to peaches…or certain kinds of ink.

He knew that he had to tell Sirius but…

"I wish I would not know, I wish that I could forget that it's not right, not fair to not confess those blasted feelings, but seeing as my star of luck is dim as ever, the chances for me getting oblivated suddenly are really low-"

He shook his head and looked out of the window, where winter had engulfed the lands in uncaring darkness. A single star, far brighter than the others, grabbed his attention and he tried to close his eyes against the sight to no avail.

_-The alpha of the Canine Major, the star __Sirius ...of course I have to see it today...that' just typical, annoying and__ oh so necessary._

In the distance he could hear Lily's resolute voice burning against his carefully crafted cage:

"Let's hope that your Sirius will be a better star of hope, then."

* * *

(next chap: )

A/N : Does anybody read me??At all?Well, obviously not; but hell, I don't give a damn -grins lopsidedly- I am the A/N and so I've got to ramble. The chapter is pretty much shitty, Lilyth(_-cough-_ яobin) is absolutely exhausted …and insane as usual. She's trying to move out of the orphanage which is difficult and so she has not much time on her untalented hands…and because she's not allowed to have a Computer she has to PAY to write this…and this stupid thing had to be written TWICE...argh! And this is the version that sucks... The other got delated...-_grumbles-_

And her evil plot bunny was murdered…which makes it all the more difficult to write…-_sighs-_

I will throw a bloody mardy uû...after I have thanked my _lovely_ reviewers:

Lithien: _-gives cookies to Julia-_ Thank you so much. You were the only one who answered my god forsaken question(I think I'll dedicate the next chap to you…if you want XD)…and you know what? I did not even get the date right. I meant the 6 of December not the first …Where I come from it's some kind of holiday…sorry for the "not-fantastic"writing in this chapter--forgive me. Please stay with me, okay??

Kateybutler813: Oi, your name is difficult to type(at least for someone as stupid as me)…what's your reason for that name, anyway?? And yes I'm a curious person XP. You know what? I think I meltedwhen I read you review. Favourite? MY story?(I bet after that chapter it isn't anymore…but hey! It were…and that's already something!) I think I can die in peace now!! Stay true to me??_ Please?_

Nelia: Heya! You're new! That's nice!! Wonderful even!Too cute for words?? I give my best!(okay...I seem to have a liking for ridiculous short sentences today...) I sincerely hope that you like this rather--shitty chapter. Please be so kind and leave a review…it helps me! Really! So...click the evil button, again?-makes puppy-eyes-

PlatinumVamp: MY PLOT BUNNY!!_-cries-_...You know what? I think I ruined my story because I wanted to "help" you xS…the scene is rushed, out of place and baaaadly written. I could not write any of the real stuff, 'cause they are just 14!(And because my plot bunny had written it in it's will xP) So well…I tried and I know it sucks. Argh well…I'll survive…(The readers may not, though…)But now you HAVE to review…okay?? Please?! And I think I'm going to bother you with a pm …so be prepared! Muahaha!

A/N²: Don't ever let me consume so much sugar, it's freaking scary o0


	4. waiting for you

Disclaimer: Even though those pain killers are strong they are not strong enough to make me believe that I own HP or any of it's characters...which is just sad.

Dedication: To the wonderful Lithien

Thanks to: The awesome Kate. Without her the story would have drowned in spelling errors

Warning: I'm under the influence of pain-killers! So my writing scks...more than usual

Synopsis: Remus has a rather pleasant dream and awakens to the sight of Sirius snogging some random lass. He flees and tries to tries to avoid the other. When he is trying to hide in the libaray he stumbles into Lily and is forced to talk with her; she tries to get him to confess to Sirius while Remus feels guilty for falling for him. He knows that he has to voice his feelings when he wants to keep Sirius- at least as a friend- but does not deem himself lucky enough for the other to ever forgive him. Lily exclaims her desire that Sirius will be his hope and souce of comfort(even when she can not stand him).

o

twilight symphony

Chapter 03: Yesterday's tomorrow

o

* * *

Yesterday, Remus had tried to confess to Sirius.

Yesterday, he had almost wanted to get rif of these terrible secretes.

Yesterday, after the bittersweet talk with Lily, Remus had gone up to the Gryffindor dorm willing himself to be strong.

Strong enough that he could be honest to Sirius, strong enough that he would not shy away from the truth again, strong enough that he could make Sirius understand how wonderful, how cherished he was- preferably without feeding that mad ego of his.

Yesterday, albeit all the veracious willingness oozing out of his being, he had not even dreamed to be strong enough to survive the other's reaction to his destructive feelings.

He had climbed the stairs as a lost soul, a soul that still had a mission, but that would it's end, would fade because of it.

Remus had felt the panic, had felt what appeared like death in slow motion, and then he had already been in the dorm, standing in the middle of it actually, open for attack, even for the rather unholy Inquisition of his friend.

However, Sirius had been nowhere to be seen.

For a murderous second he had worried, had felt his heart skip more than one beat, but then, just in time, his instincts had kicked in and had cleared his befuddled head from it's manic chaos.

He had realised that someone was in the shower.

Someone whose steps never made much of a sound and who walked swift and without hesitation, albeit with a slight swagger if he so desired. Someone who hummed outlandish tunes and whose voice was nocturnous, alluring.

Someone...The One who made his insides quiver and his bones melt in euphoric fear.

Sirius had been in the shower-

-and this time nobody else had been with the young Black.

He had known that, because there had been no other sound than his voice, no other scent than the boys and the water...no matter how many people denied it, Remus knew that water had as scent, that it smelled similar to mist and metal, slightly surreal and almost treacle.

The lycanthrope knew that water and mist and metal had a scent, because Sirius smelled like that, like something that was so close, so necessary yet unattainable...his cherished torture.

A prickling sensation had engulfed his limbs as he had continued to stare at the simple door which had separated himself from Sirius. Subconsciously he had known that in truth there was much more that separated them - _lies, fears, worries, heritag_e...-but in this singular sweet moment the door had been the only obstacle that he had really felt.

And behind that obstacle there had been his greatest treasure...his best friend enjoying a shower and himself to his fullest.

How easy it could have been to open that door and..._oh_ see Sirius. He had felt his pulse quicken with that thought and his cheeks had burnt violently. It could have been so easy, but it would have been so wrong.

Remus had sighed, a sound that had been born from both relief and from horror and had turned his back to the offending, tempting, cursed door.

It had been only a moment later, that said door had opened and he had -foolishly- turned around with the intention of greeting Sirius.

In the end he had not even managed to utter a "hello", much less an entire sentence.

Sirius had stood there, only a few feet away, in the twilight of evening and as Remus' luck - or therefore lack of it- had it, the other boy had been clad in nothing but a towel.

A skimpy charcoal coloured towel which hung way too low to not make his hairs stand on end.

Lily had told him later, that this had been quite fortunate. After all, seeing his handsome crush, almost naked and sans annoying ecourage, should have helped him to work up his courage. Remus had vetoed, vehemently.

First of all, he had said, this had not been fortunate. When you are desperately trying to keep your hormones and your tongue in check seeing you crush in nothing but a joke of clothes was anything but fortunate. He had blushed, probably stuttered and had been rendered ridiculously mute.

Secondly, how are you to confess when you can't speak? Telepathy was not his strong suit...and confessing your feelings in sign language was just stupid.

And lastly, Sirius was not handsome, he was gorgeous-

Skin the color of moonlight had stretched beseechingly over taut muscles, broad shoulders and long arms with even longer fingers had been illuminated slightly from the room behind him and a jutting, tantalizing hipbone had peeked above the trivial and yet so important fabric.

The sandy haired boy had felt increasingly hopeless. Sirius, who had inched closer to him, concern and sorrow colouring his restless eyes the way blood colours silver silk, had simply looked too tempting.

He had been torn.

Remus had wanted, almost needed the taller boy to close the distance between them, to still this hunger inside the werewolf, yet, at the same time he had needed Sirius to stay away, _far_ away from him and his secrets, his scars and most importantly his crawling feelings.

He had thought that he could always live with the physical distance but not the emotional one, so he had forced himself to say something- _anything-_ to halt the others movement.

It was inevitable, really, that his brain had failed him at this time of need:

"I-I-I'm okay Sirius ... Really."

And Sirius had continued to come closer to him until the younger boy had backed away and against a poor, unsuspecting bedpost.

The look in Sirius' eyes had been startled and hurt, guilt-inducing ...he would have liked to be close to his friend, to embrace him, but with the full moon so close it was simply impossible. The moment that Sirius would be close his senses would go on overload and reveal his feelings quite obviously.

He wished, with pain gnawing at the bones entrapping his heart, that there was no moon.

"You sure? I mean after all tomorrow_ is _full moon ..."

"I know! Do you think I could forget about that?"

_-Trust the black to bring up the worst of subjects at the worst of times._

"What? No of course not! I, just, -_Remus_-...I -_fuck- _I was worried about you! Seeing as there is something going on with you! Don't tell me that I'm wrong about that-- I know that there is something wrong even when you do not bloody tell me and prefer to rot in your self-drawn silence!"

Frustration and hurt had blended together in Sirius's face, and the younger boy had found that he could not bear to be the painter of this tragic mask. He found his voice- hoarse and thick with emotion- and cringed,

"Sorry, Sirius...I know that you're worried and I don't want to keep things from you...I want to tell you, really I do! But--not now, not here, not today. I- my head is a right mess and I need some time."

The silver eyes had darkened, a sure sign that Sirius was angry_, furious _at something and he had half expected for him to shout, but instead the other had raised his right hand and had stroked Remus' cheek, forcing a gentle smile upon his sinner's face.

"But you _will _tell me, yes? You know how I hate secrets, they make my blood boil. And I don't want that, I dislike being angry at you- everyone else_ would_ find themselves cursed out of their annoying skin by now, let me tell you...Rem', when you're like this I can't help being pissed."

_-you can't help it?_

"Of course I will. Trust me, I have no choice but to tell you."

_-not when your eyes__-full of promises, possibilities, of praise for _who_ I am- follow me and rob me of my common sense. Not when it seems as though those eyes are liquid with misery_

"Then what about telling me _now_."

Remus had laughed,

"No."

Sirius had questioned, insisted,

"And why not?"

"Because for one, you should start your intended shower first."

"Huh? How did you..."

"You're still dry my flabbergasted friend."

"You are, too, pretty much constantly even- do you see me make such a fuss about it?Or does my favourite furr ball simply want to bask in the sight, that is stunning me wet and dripping?"

A fierce blush had once again worked his way upon his face; his erection, thankfully hidden by his robes, had twitched shamefully.

_-do you have to say something like this? When you're half-dressed and smell so good that I don't -want- to be dry?_

"Sirius..."

His voice had been breathy.

"Yes?"

"Stop saying that!"

But his will had been, thankfully, strong.

"No. After all it's your fault that I'm so damn dry right now."

_"What?"_

_-oh by Salazar Slytherin's talented tongue _

"I was waiting for you 'cause ... well, prior to all your annoying avoiding tactic you were already acting strange, so I thought that I might have done something to upset gentle, delicate you ... and well if it _was_ my fault ... I thought that I should tell you that I did not mean to- I really did not, you know? But seeing as you were avoiding me like Filch all day, I could not tell you this and so I became even more aggravated- which really was _pathetic_ ... I was acting like some headless chicken ...-a black headless chicken, which is just darn scary, I doubt that I would make a good chicken, I certainly lack the appropriate attributes that a chicken needs- and well, when I heard you entering the dorm I simply rushed out ... which explains my current and only temporal dryness."

"Sirius ... I know that you don't mean to hurt me. That you never could ...even if you don't like to admit it you care- a bit too much as it seems."

"Bullocks. It's my duty as a friend to care for you. My duty as one of your closest friends to be with you. All the time. And when you're not where you are supposed to be- namely by my side- than I will wait for you."

Feeling as though he had been close to tearing up, Remus had mustered a sincere smile.

"Even in the shower?"

"_Especially_ in the shower. Remus?"

"Yes?"

"You know that I'm not a very patient man ... which makes waiting all the more difficult ... but I will wait. Not only in the shower ... or after classes, or in the great hall or whatever. I will wait for you to trust me with your thoughts. With your problems. I will wait for you. But ... don't make me wait too long, yeah?"

His heart had answered for him, while his brain had been de-wired.

"Would tomorrow be alright?"

The taller boy had nodded and had made his way to the shower, laughing all the way.

-

-

Yesterday, Remus had managed to escape the consequences of confessions...

But today?

But today was yesterday's tomorrow and he knew that he no longer had a chance to escape his private trip to hell.

He could hide wherever he wanted, could go and take a swim with the giant squid for all he cared, could go and turn himself into a bookshelf ... hell, he could jump down the astronomy tower, and Sirius would still find him and make him confess his sins.

Especially now, that he had been promised the truth...

_-Damn Sirius Black for being so irresistible ... damn him for his charm ...did I really say that I would tell him today? By Godric Gryffindor's Balls was I __nuts?_

Before anyone had answered him and before the men with the straight jacket had even the slightest chance to get a hold of him, Remus found himself pulled, completely unexpectedly, into a room that only seconds ago had been nothing else but a window.

When he looked up, he was greeted by gleaming silver eyes and a familiar, albeit still nerve-wrecking grin.

"Heya Remus! Long time no see, eh?"

The younger boy did not bother to reply but averted his eyes from his friend's handsome face, his soulful eyes, his crimson coloured mouth, trying and failing to find a way out of the dimly lit corridor they were currently residing in.

He hated door less rooms, Remus really did; they made him feel caged, _hunted_ even. When he was in such a room, a room like the one he had to go to every full moon when he was not at Hogwarts, it seemed all together to easy to forget his misty identity.

The werwolf's breathing was becoming erratic, his head started too ache, his bones burned ...

And then there were fingers touching his cheek, tracing his scars, catching a stray piece of hair and tucking it behind his ear, fingers that were soothing the pain in his heart with their concerned ministrations.

"Remus?"

The voice sounded distant and careful,

_"Remus!"_

yet strong and hoarse,

"Shite!"

that beautiful, unique voice sounded_ pained._

Bewildered he looked up at Sirius and wanted so assure him, wanted to tell him that he was okay, that there was nothing wrong, that he really, really did not have to look so worried ... but he could not muster the strength to speak while being in this cage.

Could not muster the strength to lie while looking into the others burning mercury eyes that burned with well known determination.

The hand that was currently not stroking his cheek came to rest on his wrist, grabbed it, and _pulled_.

Fighting his body, his panic, and his nerves he let himself follow Sirius who walked backwards with a grace that he could not muster when he himself walked forwards.

He followed the movements, the silent circle of step and pause, and before he could even being to tire of it, Sirius had come to an unexpected halt somewhere in the dark.

One of the loving hands wandered away, without Sirius ever breaking their eye contact, and touched a barely discernable portray, which showed a wizard with long black hair and eyes.

Sirius' voice sounded just as dark:

"Das schwarze Schaf und der gute Wolf."

The wizard crossed his arms across narrowed his unrelenting eyes at Remus, showing clearly that he did not approve of him; a moment later the frame swung aside nonetheless, revealing a door that stood wide open and, only and irrevelant instant later, the room was dotted with snow flakes and bathed in cold winter light.

And then, his eyes had still burnt from the abrupt brightness, Sirius dragged him out into the open and embraced him.

The black haired boy clung to him as if afraid that the lighter-haired boy would shatter if there was no one that would hold him together, and maybe, Remus thought shakily, he would shatter and fall to pieces if Sirius would let him go.

A feeling of déjà vu hit him when he heard Sirius murmuring his name like something holy, something pure, something that he was not, had not been since Greyback's fangs had brought death and suffering upon him.

"Stupid, stupid,_ stupid_... why did you not tell me that rooms like this make you uncomfortable? Did you want to kill me? Give me an heart attack? If you'd tell me I would never have forced you into that bloody corridor. I would have never forced you to undergo that. Remus ... three years and you loony lunatic did not tell me?!"

The words, his caring, his touch made him feel dirty and yet he could not let go of him, he simply could not, not now that he had him finally in his usually aching arms.

Stifling a painful sigh at his own weakness, his secrets, he mumbled an apology as he, once more, looked the incredibly stubborn boy all over.

"Remus? ... Really, don't apologize ... I mean, to be entire truthful, it was my fault and not yours. You know that right? I was so ... frustrated that you kept secrets from me, which in all truth is probably ... well, logical with me being the thoughtless prick that I am, that I did not think ahead ... I should have known that you would not like it there, hell, I do not like it in there ... and well, I suck at this whole apologizing-crap, don't I?"

"Sirius Black prankster -extra-ordinaire confesses that he's not perfect at something? Have I hit my head and imagining things?"

"_Screw_ you bookworm. See if I ever apologize to you again."

"Sirius ... I don't want you to apologize ..."

"What? The last time that I did something even remotely wrong you hexed me _because_ I refused to say "sorry"."

"You ate my last chocolate!"

"I made up for that!"

"Of course you did. You _always _do ... that's why you don't need to apologize. I know that you're sorry, even when you pull _that_ face of yours and try to act all non-cholant. Sirius, stop sulking... In addition I must say, that it was not even your fault ... I mean that anxiety attack was caused by my weak nerves and nothing else."

"That's shite Remus, you should know that. You're _not_ weak, in all honesty, you're strong. Probably the Strongest bloke I know ... so don't say anything else like this, okay? Or else..."

"Or else ...?"

"Or else I have to hex your books in the same way I hexed Jamie's socks."

"But James' socks jump out of the window as soon as goes to bed!"

"And they sing aloud his thoughts when he touches them, shred themselves to pieces when there're other socks in close proximity, and yell obscenities when he tries to wear them inside-out, don't forget that."

"You wouldn't do that to my books!"

Sirius simply raised an elegant eyebrow and cocked his head, showing clearly that he would _indeed_ do that if he thought it necessary.

Knowing that it was useless to argue- and knowing that the others understanding of necessary was more than questionable- Remus closed his eyes and pulled himself even closer to the others chest.

So close in fact, that his cheek rested against Sirius' throat, so close that he could feel and hear the others pulse beating strong and independent beneath his almost translucent moonlight skin.

So close that it brought a smile to life upon Sirius' haunting face.

"Touchy-feeling aren't we, Rem'?"

"It's just that you embrace me so seldom ... and I really want to cherish it as long as possible."

The smile faltered a bit but the expressive eyes softened, making them resemble like liquid silver, which was something that Remus should hate, should avoid, should fear but the silver Sirius' eyes could become was too beautiful to hate and to unique to avoid.

_-And yet it is still painful for me to look at._

"You know that I'm not used to this whole comforting thing, right? However, if you do want it, I will do it more often ... actually I think I would do it whenever you want me to. It's not a big deal after all. Not with you, anyway."

"No Sirius, it is a big deal ... and believe me after you've listened to what I have to say you'll never want me to touch you again ... I wonder if you'll ever want to_ talk_ to me again ... and really-if you would not- it would be understandable."

"Really _Remus_, whatever it is that your confession is about...it can not be that bad, can it?! There is nothing that would stop me from talking with you. Well maybe if you'd go and tell me that you've an illicit love affair with mother-dearest or_ Bella_, but even than I think, that I would still talk with you. After I've killed these two, naturally."

"And of course you'd do it for my sake and not because you can not stand them, right? But seeing as I do not have an illicit love affair with either of them, and do not plan to engage in one _ever_, you can not get rid of them ... however sad it is."

"I can get rid of them ... after all, I think that I still have enough reasons even when they do not corrupt my mate."

"What would you do if I'd tell you that there is somebody else who's corrupting me, or better-- somebody that I'm interested in?"

Surprisingly the other was not surprised in the least, it seemed, Remus thought, as though he had expected something like of this nature from Remus. When he spoke, his voice was mild yet forceful and sounded distinctly like an almost forgotten lullaby.

"First of all I'd go and check if that person would be good enough for you. If she is than I think I will be able to avoid any unnecessary bloodshed; but if your feelings for her make you forget about us -about me in particular- I'd kill her, too. It does not matter if she's a Black or not, _nobody_ has the right to steal you away from me. Her fate, when she is proves to be _not_ good enough for you will be even less pleasant."

Remus chuckled dryly at this declaration and raised his ember eyes to Sirius' face.

"Good enough for me? Would a Black be good enough for the werewolf?"

"_What??_ A Black? Are you ... never mind. Well - _fuck, _startling a bloke like this_, really!- _it's not Bella right? Not Walburga either, that leaves 'Meda...and well, mate she really is too old for you...and too married...and--"

"It's not Andromeda I'm interested in. And I know that she is married. Thank you very much."

"But if it's not Andromeda then ..."

"Would you hate me if I'd tell you that I'm not interested in any of the female Blacks ...?"

"Remus? Are you saying that you're ..."

"A poof? A fairy? Bent as a rainbow? Yes."

"Great. A lycanthrope with fairy wings-- I bet that would look _picturesque_."

The taller boy chuckled - the Black name stealthily ignored for a moment-and ruffled Remus' hair. He could - at the complete lack of any kind of repulsion- only blink in surprise at his friend's antics.

"You don't mind?"

"No ... it's just a really wonderful mix, isn't it?"

"A werewolf with fairy wings?"

"No. Yes. I mean ... I was talking about your talent of becoming a minority of the minority ... but please tell me it's not Reg' that you're into."

"It's not your brother. It's not your father. It's not your uncle or any of your other relatives."

With that, Remus separated himself from the Black, pulled himself to his full height, and said the things that rankled him the most.

"It's you. It has always been you. Do you understand now why I tried to avoid you? Why I said that you're going to hate me? Despise me? And why I can't bloody expect anything else from you? How could I? I hate myself for ... for so much. I hate myself for keeping secrets from you, for worrying you, for being addicted to all thing that's you! ... But I can't help it. I tried ...but to no avail. So the only thing that I can say is: I am sorry, I really did not mean to, but I still like you. Too much."

Having said that, Remus managed to take his first deep breath in weeks, and smiling sadly, he whispered:

"I'll leave you alone, yes?"

Before he had taken a single step a hand had gripped his sleeve and halted his movements.

"You're heading for that corridor? You don't like it."

"I may not like it...but what else am I to do? Why do you care?"

"There is another way...around the corner ...you have to tell the gargoyle to let you pass and he will..."

Looking at the hand that was still gripping his sleeve, Remus waited for whatever it was that Sirius still wanted to tell him with frayed, sickly green tinted nerves.

If he was lucky the other boy would tell him to forget about it...yet if Sweet Misery stayed true to him, Sirius would probably tell him to never bother him again.

"Can you _wait_ for me?"

"Huh?"

"I don't know what to say...how to react...that ...came as a bit of a surprise for me. So will you wait for me Remus-until I know?"

Remus could only nod at that-

he was too mesmerised by a snow flake that had come to melt on the corner of the taller boy's eye.

He noticed, for the first time in all those days, how clean everything appeared in winter.

* * *

Kate:...what is there to say?? I'm eternally grateful to you! Without you this story would never go on...and my plot bunny would get killed every 3 seconds or so, which would just be pathethic, huh? "Acebent as a bottle of chips" o0 I'm going to use that! _-laughs_-...wouldn't it be great to be a witch?? Screaming socks...yelling books...sweet lycans...gorgeous heirs ..._-dreams-(_He is my favourite character, although I must admit that I am most certain, that Sirius and I would not get along..._)_I hope you review even though you've alrady read this thing of hell...I'll post the revised chapter later this week...actually, I'll try to post them as soon as I get money nn

Lithien: I hope you liked the cookie! About the chap...I know it is not that good...but let's just say there's a lot of things going on right now and I'm on some nice pain-killers which turn the world all kinds of hazy...so please stick with me and leave a review, ya? I think I'd perish if I lost a reviewer...especially you.

platinumvamp:Errr...for a second I thought I needed glasses...a gay men?? And he loves me? XD Now I feel special! Here's the "long awaited" Confession...sadly it's not really well written at all...but _-sighs-_ at least I tried to insert some smut for you! Would be so kind as to drop a review?

prettycrayons: Hah! I know you! You had this story on your alert list but did not review! I am SO happy that you did now, though! More people follow your splendid _-grins-_ example! Why don't they? I fear that you will stop reviewing now, seeing as this chapter is crap...

Nelia: I do not wish to break his heart, either! But I don't want to jump things...well, about Lily...the way I made her felt natural... I did not even think about PoA at that time ...I am so happy that you point out what you like...it makes writing easier for me! -gives her Nelia a plush Moony- I hope you can forgive me for this chapter...I am sick and school has started and my friend ended up in the hospital...which is just stressing me out...I 'll try to make the next chapter more bearable! So please don't stop reviewing...?


	5. dangerous beauty

Disclaimer: The pink socks of my math teacher might have blinded me, but did most certainly not make me illusional...I don't own HP or any of it's characters.

Dedicated to: Every one whose life is as chaotic as mine is right now. xD And to Kate who made this chapter possible! -_gives roses to her lovely beta-_

Synopsis: Sirius corners Remus and wants an explanation for the later's odd behavious, and while the werewolf has decided to answer him, he tells the other that it is not the right time(especially not, because Sirius is only clad in a towel) and that he will tell him the truth tomorrow. Sirius agrees-grudgingly- to this and states that he is not patient, but is willing to wait for his mate. The next day shows one unhappy furrball who is, quite suddelnly grabbed and dragged in a dark room. The room makes the lycan panic, seeing as it resembles the room where he has to go to change when he is with his parents. Sirius drags him out in the open and embraces him, angry that he was not informed about Remus' dislike for dark, small rooms. Remus confesses his feelings and is about to head back into the caste(through the dark room) when the taller boy grabs him, tells him that there is another way that leads back into the castle. He asks Remus if he can wait for him until he himself knows what to say or do. Remus agrees, confuses because Sirius is not repulsed.(-shakes hand- bue! To much happens at once, it seems )

o

Twilight Symphony

Chapter 04: Dangerous Beauty

* * *

-1971, December-

Remus found it _painful_ to breathe.

And maybe, it was understandable that he did, seeing as he was not only running, but also worrying and thinking as well, and that long before he had had the slightest chance to recover from yesterday's full moon and, consequently his wounds.

He found it _difficult_ to breathe.

But not difficult enough to stop running. Or thinking. Or worrying. Nothing could be so difficult that it could prevent him from worrying about...about him.

His roommate, his companion with the black hair and the burning silver eyes, the sharp tongue but the gentle hands. The boy with the rash behaviour but the excellent grades, the friend with the big head but the small feet...How could he not not worry about him?

Trying to ignore the pain that was chasing up his spine, he managed to leave the stairs behind him and rounded the next corner, stifling a pained moan before it could leave his mouth and betray his discomfort.

_-Maybe he is alright, maybe I have interpreted it the wrong way, maybe he is just enjoying the view, maybe my eyesight is getting worse...but no. No. No. My eyesight can't get worse...can't be bad because of what I am...I did see him there because he is up there! And he is up there because of what I am...my fault, my fault, my fault …_

And even though Remus John upin had been bitten years ago and had lived as a lycanthrope for a long time now, he could barely remember a time when he had hated his disease, his curse, his fate, _himself_ more.

For the small werewolf it was obvious- if it would not be for him and his curse the other boy, the important boy, the pretty boy would be alright, would be safe and sound, would be in his bed instead up on the astronomy tower, walking definitely too close to the edge...

But instead of being wise, he had been foolish, instead of being brave and good, he had acted selfish and had grasped onto their -onto his- friendship with a death grip, unwilling to ever let go.

And now, he probably had destroyed what had been the most important thing in his life.

Sirius' friendship.

What made it painful was that he could only blame himself for this development.

He should not have lied to the other boy, should not have kept his "state" a secret, should not have welcomed the friendship when in turn, he had nothing to give to the young, beautiful Black.

But he _had_ done all of this and now that his secret was out into the open, Sirius had distanced himself from him, and the light haired boy felt as though he could simply cease to exist.

Of course he had his own life, of course he had school, miraculously he even had James and maybe even Peter...but it seemed as though something terribly important was irreversibly missing, something so big that it left a hole somewhere deep inside of him.

With less effort than a human should have, Remus pushed the heavy door open and found himself staring at Sirius' unguarded back, thinking crazily that he had never seen something as stunningly beautiful.

Sirius' hair was free of its usual ponytail and windblown, his thin shirt was transparent and showed of the whiter than white skin and the little blue veins running beneath it. His neck was slightly arched as in deep thought and his long piano-player hands clenched and unclenched in an hypnotic rhythm.

Sirius looks like some strange but beautiful fallen angel...

And yet, like all those times in his life before, Remus Lupin remembered that beauty meant danger, that the most entrancing set of wolf-eyes could mean eternal pain, that the softest of faces meant suffering, that the most magnificent pair of hands stood for endless nightmares.

It was that knowledge that unfroze his legs and made him grab the other by his wrists roughly, startling him. Familiar eyes, alienated by sadness, stared at him unblinkingly and then lowered to his right hand.

A deep sigh disturbed the silence before Sirius tried to turn around and away from Remus, but the smaller boy did not let go, even though they both felt that he was trembling.

"Sirius?"

Silence, and then...nothing. Stifling a sound somewhere between a sigh and a sob he tried to get Sirius to look at him...and failed. Those silver eyes, hazy with some dark emotion, drifted to his hand again and stayed there, looking as though the piece of awkward flesh was unwelcome, as though Sirius did not want to be touched by the werewolf. Inside of Remus, something crimson, something angry, something worried bubbled up and made him tug sharply at the other's wrist-

With too much force, seeing as they both ended up sprawled on the ground.

For a second, both remained silent, Remus straddled by the taller boy, and then without warning, Sirius broke out into wild laughter.

Feeling the need to defend himself, the lycan raised his hackles and stated that the full moon was_ only bloody yesterday_.

"And that makes you stronger?" asked Sirius without removing himself, or Remus for that matter, from the position they were in. Staring at the boy he had missed so terribly, he only managed a nod and the voiceless acknowledgement that his chest hurt worse now, than it had ever before.

"So the moon does influence you...and it's not some garbage written in lousily written, shite filled books." Sirius said and looked very closely at the werewolf's face, which made a distinct "what?" expression. Gnawing at his lower lip, the older boy tried to explain,

"Well...I've used these past days to do some additional reading."

"Additional...?"

"Yes additional. You know that I was home schooled..."Sirius said and while his face looked blank, there seemed to be a story written beneath the surface, beseeching him to find it.

"About that subject, too?"

"Shape-shifting...Lycanthropy...curses…you name it I learned it"

"You learned about lycanthropy at -well, home of all places?"

"No. At 'home' I learned how to hurt them, where to find them and that werewolves were cruel monster unworthy of living," elaborated the taller boy with a voice that leaked venom and hatred. With a shake of his head, Sirius looked at Remus softly, achingly, caringly and went on. "Or...they wanted me to learn that...seeing as I have not believed that. After all, my family says that everything is bad and evil and rotten...with exception, of course of the things, which _are_ truly rotten and vile...themselves for example...What I know now...well, I pretty much taught myself about that."

"And yet..." Remus said and gazed directly at Sirius, fighting his fears and the bile raising in his throat down.

"And yet?"

"You refused to see me these past days because I am one of them." For a broken moment, they were engulfed, swallowed, wrapped up in brutal silence, then, with a look of utter shock and confusion, words began to spill from Sirius; words which were not tamed, improved, or well thought over but honest and beautiful in their own bold way.

"I did tell you that I needed time!"

"Time does not mean a week with you getting lost!"

"Lost? Lost in the library? Lost in the woods? Lost in Hagrid's Hut or in Dumbledore's office?"

With that statement Remus found himself thinking that maybe he was insane. Or deaf. Or delusional...or dreaming because Sirius never go to talk to Dumbledore, because Sirius simply had it not in him to trust another adult.

"Not even I am stupid enough to think that I can skip an entire week without punishment...and I'd thought that Dumbledore was the best address...I was sure that he had to have some books, some good books or anything that would help me understand."

"And what did he say about you suddenly storming into his office and demanding books about dark creatures?" Sirius made a face at the use of said words and glared -quite angrily- at the younger boy.

"Not much, almost nothing, I told him that I wanted...information that I could rely on, information that was true and he provided me with it. Gave me books and letters and scripts and...hints...but in the end it did not really help me at all."

"Help you...?"

"Help me to help you...I thought that there had to be some way, any way really, that I could take away the burden of what had happened to you...but my search proved to be fruitless."

And before Remus really knew what he was doing, and long before Sirius had the chance to finish his sentence, he had pulled Sirius down onto his body and embraced him.

Lying like this, on the cold floor, chests hurting, breath mingling, Remus felt as though he had found his secret refuge, his sanctuary and smiled at the gray sky above them.

Sirius chuckled and said,

"And to think that I did not want to see you until I had found something."

-1973, December- (present time)

With his brows furrowed and his tongue being pierced by his very own teeth, Remus sat on his bed and swam in troubled, bittersweet memories.

Back then in first year he too had thought that he had lost Sirius, had sat on his bed and worried himself silly in the same way he was doing it now; but back then he thought -and the lycanthrope chlenched his fists around the pages of a book he did not even see- he had meant no evil. Back then in first year he had not told them, him but they -_he_- had discovered his secret with the ease of the young and reckless.

With the madness people posses who will never quite grow up, but who will never be children either.

Back in first year, Sirius had found out and forgiven him -for the secrets, the lies, the shyness, the distrust and their forbidden friendship- but this time, only two years later, it had been Remus who had spilled the beans so to speak and destroyed their lifes.

There was no way that Sirius could forgive him.

-_I mean, _he thought and scratched at his itching skin, which always seemed to be a little to much, a little bit to expansive for him, _how could he? I am not only a bookworm, pale and scarred and MALE I also happen to turn furry at least once a month._

Suddenly there was a well-known yet unpleasant sensation and Remus could feel the hairs on his neck stand on end as a terrible resolute gaze piercing his skull. James was watching him, and he knew that Remus knew that he was watching him.

_-I should have seen this coming_

Throughout the day, James had been uncharacteristically calm and mean, had succeeded in scaring or hurting almost the entire student population, especially the Slytherins, without so much as a single grin on his face.

_-He is worried, too...that's all my fault._

James, giving him the feeling that he had heard the last thought, said that it was not his fault that Sirius was a wanker. And a prick. An an idiot.

"He is an idiot! But-- he is our idiot!!"

Remus wanted to reassure James of something important, something heavy, of what precisely he was not sure, because he never came to open his mouth, seeing as there were thunderous footsteps coming up their stairs. Three multicolored eyes locked onto each other, one curious, one suspicious and one bewildered and then, without needing to ask what they thought about it, James raised his hand and magically unlocked their door.

Arthur Weasly, red-haired and panting stood in the doorway and fought to regain his voice.

"He...they...have found him..Sirius...placed him in the infirmary..."

Any more looks were useless.

When there was one place in Hogwarts that Remus did really not want to see Sirius in -beside any of the girls dorms- it was the infirmary.

And -_of course_- that was exactly the one place where Sirius Orion Black, after seven days of maddening disappearance was; sitting cross legged on one of the uncomfortable white beds and complaining loudly that there was no bloody need to hold him prisoner.

The werwolf knew this side of Sirius well, the side that said "No need for you to care for me-even though my mother is going to hurt me again" "No need for you to feed me- even though they will not let me eat" "No need for you to love me- even though I wished somebody would" and knew that that this side was an immortal wound tainted with oil.

He knew that Sirius' eyes would be dark grey right now, dark grey and rough like his voice and that his lips would be blood red from all the biting Sirius did whenever he was thinking painful or disturbing thoughts. Remus knew that the other's hands would have faint crescent moons carved into them and that his nails would be a tad bit too long for the Black heir…and that he would look so disheveled and gorgeous that it would hurt him to gaze at his perfection.

For a breaking, freaking, shrill moment he stared at Sirius' back and felt his heart shatter in a million pieces, thinking wildly that he might not survive it if Sirius decided to turn around to watch at him with his beautiful, heartbreaking, man destroying face...

Then, the magically clock on the far side of the wall had not even ticked a second away, the door crashed and Sirius turned around to gaze at them, James and Remus and Peter, because Sirius would never look at him like this, as though his black black heart would wither and regrew in the time span it needed to make a baby laugh and as though his black black soul would cry and laugh and sing.

Sirius looked at them like this, his eyes red, his skin almost translucent and his lips acidly swollen and he half feared, half wished that the taller youth would tell him to go, to run because surely that was what he had to want right now.

For Remus to leave him in easy peace.

Madam Pomfrey's voice extinguished the silence and the hurt with trained ease.

"No? I think there is every need to hold you "captive" Mr. Black! Have you looked at yourself? And I mean in a critical and not worshipping way! You've become pale and thin and you've got scratches all over your body and…do you even listen?!"

To be truthful Sirius had not even looked at her, much less paid her any heed.

With one suffering look at the other boys and one_ long _look at Sirius, Madam Pomfrey turned on her heels and left, admitting for once in her life and her career defeat.

After they had heard the sound of the door closing –meaning that she had saved some of her dignity- James sat on the bed and ruffled the taller boy's hair much to his obvious dislike.

"You're one happy person, that you informed me beforehand" The brown haired boy said and sprawled, kind of graceless, over the stiff mattress "Because if you hadn't I would not have been this easy to deal with."

That statement made two pairs of contrasting eyes stare at the Qidditsh player heatedly. Sirius' silver eyes looked miffed and had some kind of _-that was the damn reason why I told you, you prick!_-look about them while Remus' gold eyes looked startled and a bit angry. James smirked at Sirius and glanced grinningly at Remus:

"I only said that I was not aware of where he was, not that I was not informed that he would be gone."

The prefect huffed and looked out of the window silently waiting for Sirius to say something, anything about his presence.

In the background he could hear their voices mingling happily together, but not once did he catch his own name, or any insult -at least none that could relate to him. He waited- he was good at this, after all.

He pulled his robes tighter around himself, so tight that it hurt and only then did he catch something -Remus and saturday and morning and something else that sounded sacharine sweet- that seemed to be directed at him, to involve him.

"Saturday..?"the werwolf echoed and hoped to not hope at all.

"Is tomorrow" said James and Remus felt confused, not because he had missed something terrible important but because Sirius was looking at him with his liquid, smoke filled eyes and smiled.

"I know"the smaller boy said and did, in truth, _ not_ know, because the Black heir was looking at him again without any fists or worse insults flying around.

"Then you know what you're up to tomorrow, hm?"

"What...no...I do not know?" Sirius' smile morphed into a grin and yet Remus thought that his eyes started to dull instead of brighten at his seemingly understandable confusion.

"Really, it's not such a miracle! You do it every saturday morning!"

"Reading?"

"No" James said and shook his head comically

"Doing homework?"

"No. You do that on a daily basis."

_-Unlike you_

"Talking to you?"

"No...well not only. And not me."

Finally when Remus felt as tough he had to throttle James to receive some answers, the older boy spoke and made his bones melt:

"Piano lessons."

He blinked and stared at the other boy, thinking that one of them had lost their mind somewhere along the way. _-Piano lessons?_ Sirius gave him said lessons...proclaiming that a smart boy like him had to know how to play a piano the right way...why would he continue after Remus' confession?

Applying some logic the sandy-haired boy tried to get some order into the mass that was his life.

"That's a lie. Last week we did not have said lessons."

"Only because I suck at multi-tasking."

"Huh?"

"I told you that I needed time to think. One can not play a piano, go to school, give lessons and think at once- so I skipped lessons, took a stroll or two and tried to make up my mind- even when _Poppy-dearest_ says that I was not thinking at all."

Remus wanted to argue that, he really wanted to- skipping meals, running around in the cold was_ thoughtless_-, but something about Sirius- maybe the feel of his screaming eyes and the colour of his bruised lips- stopped him from doing so.

Suddenly he found himself angry, angry at himself and angry at Sirius for leaving him, for vanishing, for hurting him and for acting as though nothing has happened. He found himself angry at the boy for being so clueless, so alluring, so cold...He was angry at Sirius for making him fall for him and wondered, why he should trust, or fancy somebody who would be his downfall.

He gave Sirius a look that said all this and a bit more.

Sirius returned that look with one that said, that he did not know either.

The shadows in Sirius eyes said, indifferently to this, that he would not let go of him

Ever.

* * *

Ha! I'm back! ...but I'm not really happy about it. Why? Because my beloved reviewers stopped writing me -_sighs-_ with the exception of my darling Kate, the new and improved (XD) Sinistra-sama and finally Lithien...what have I done wrong?? I want to know! Please! Well, anyway to anyone who cares and still likes/accepts my TwiSy: ...you ought to thank Kate, she was the one who made me continue this mass! W/o her loveliness TwiSy would be rotting right now _-scratches head-_

Kate: What else is there to say? I think I have drowned you in _"thank yous"_ and you have burned my house to ashes XDDD Should this tell me something? No...I AM REALLY grateful for you, my darling kiddo -_hugs_- I hope you like this version ...at least a bit.

Sinistra-sama: A new face! Hello! Thank you for your review...it was wayyyy better than some lousy CPR 3. Sorry that you had to wait...lack of reviews made me cry u/ù;Which kind of angers me, myself. P.S Sama? Is san okay with you as well? Or dono? I usually don't go and refere to someone with sama...o.0

Lithien: Why did it take you so long?_-worries- _...nevermind! I am happy that you've reviewed at all...made me finally post this xxxx. Well,...the painkillers were evil, so I had to stop taking them...sadly it made my doc freak out on me (aren't doctors scary?-_dudges random flying needles-_)...but I am better now! It's only the anemia that's getting on my nerves..-_munches cookies-_ thank you my dear!


	6. A bird caged in a rainstorm

Disclaimer: Believe me, that even I do believe, that I do not believe, that anyone believes, that HP or any of it's characters believe, that they belong to me ...Integral equation might have melted my brain somewhat, though...so be warned.

A/N: "Sant Niklaus" is a german holiday that takes place on the 12/06. Children will put their shoes outside and they will be filled with sweets-when they behaved that is; when they were naughty Knecht Ruprecht is said to come to them and beat them with his broom (luckily it is only said and not done)...this holiday will be mentioned here. There will be a few foreign expressions as well...if anybody cares they can try to transalte them and ask me if they are right...or ask me for their translation.

Dedication: To my lovely Krissy !! Who read this story even though she isn't so keen on puppy-love

Synopsis: We are to watch Sirius and Remus in their first year in Hogwarts; the werewolf's secret has just been exposed and Sirius seems to have faded into thin air for days now. When Remus sees him again he can only barely trust his eyes, because the taller boy is sitting dangerously close at the roof's edge. Remus goes, or rather runs to him and yanks him back from there. Both boys tumble to the floor and the young Black tells his friend, that he had skipped classes so that he could gather information about lycanthropy. He was appearantly home-shooled in this subject, but his family claims that werewolfs should be murdered, whereas Srius wants to find something with which he could help Remus. Originally, he had decided to not see Remus until he found something, but he has to accept that his search was fruitless. Relieved that his friend is not disgusted by him and goes so far as to console Dumbledore to help him, Remus embraces Sirius. In the present time Sirius has vanished as well and Remus does not know where to; James who keeps looking at him suspiciously tells him, that Sirius' behaviour is not his fault. Remus does not believe this, but before he can chew his heart out Arthur Weasly ends up at their door and declares that they found Sirius, who is, at the time sitting in the infarmery. The three of them head to the hospital wing only to find Sirius pale, slightly ill and thinner than before. He has tried to think things over and did not deem it important to eat, wear warm clothes or care about himself in generall. Remus expects for Sirius to treat him coldly, but the Black haired youth only tells him that he will continue to teach Remus to play the piano. He has decided that he may not understand Remus' reasons for liking him, but that he will not live without his mate, either.

Warning: Unbeta-ed!

o

Twilight symphony

Chapter 05: a bird caged in a rainstorm

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"I'm an idiot,"

he said as he walked through the half darkness in the killing shade of early dawn, not caring that it was too cold, too early or really too painful for him to follow this unseen path of self murdering love and silent yearning.

"I'm pathetic,"

he continued and shook his head even as he noted how his steps became more hurried and his heartbeat weaker, with every step he took into that _-the right, the questionable, the dangerous-_ direction.

"I'm a lovesick fool," he started and felt his skin break out into the most inconvenient goosebumps a 14 year old Hogwarts student could have.

_-And right now I'm more than a little bit masochistic_, he thought and felt like...he did not even know what.

It was Saturday, meaning that they had no school and even Remus, who in his frenzy and hunger for information usually packed his free time with something to do, to learn, to study, was free.

_-And yet_, he thought and straightened his cloak while doing so, this freedom seemed to be more of a lie than anything else, an illusion and awkwardly obvious, because he was only as free as an owl was- flying from one destination to the other, doing work, having an aim, a goal -_a job_- and while he used to like this semi-freedom of his, sometimes he yearned for something else altogether.

The problem was, as it seemed to be with all things that concerned or surrounded Remus John Lupin, that he did not know how to achieve said freedom, or better yet, how to hold onto it. During his first year in Hogwarts and some months later too, he had thought that maybe James and Sirius knew what true freedom was...but reality proved to be a bitter medicine, because he learned fast that James never knew what he was supposed to do with his freedom and Sirius...he was not really free at all. Of the four of them he tried the hardest, but was bound the tightest and that was something that gave the black haired boy a bittersweet beauty.

Remus stood now in front of a statue that showed -very clearly- a gorgon in fury, a statue which was -as Sirius had told him once- a secret passageway to one of the better music rooms in the school.

"Not the best...but certainly not the worst either." Back then Remus had not needed to ask why the taller boy would not take him to the best, as was his habit, but had known in a quite painful and disturbing way, that the best equipped room would be covered in more silver than any of them could really stomach.

He had been confused as it was, with Sirius proclaiming quite suddenly -while discussing which potion did what and what potion did that- that he needed, wihtout question or room to argue- to give him piano lessons.

_-Sirius never tutors somebody...he does not even help Peter with his homework and Merlin and Morganne Le Fey know that he needs it_,_ that all of need for him to find help,_ he had thought and looked at the older boy unbelievingly. The crimson sheen of the Flann poison had swirled softly around the two of them, creating a world which was only to be touched by their own hands.

Sirius had merely shrugged and had painted a tri-colored grin across his face, which had shadowed the dark insecure look in his eyes almost completely and Remus had understood that Sirius wanted to give him something valuable, something important.

Sirius who hated studying almost as much as he hated stupid people, Sirius who detested teachers almost as much as he detested his parents, because his parents had -in their immortal insanity- teached their son too much, too early; Sirius who never read a book for school because he knew all of them by heart, wanted to help Remus because he thought him worthwhile.

It was this knowledge that had stopped him from arguing much and that had helped him through two years of painful, embarrassing practice that had often tested his self-control in cruciating ways.

Sighing he gave the gargoyle a non to gentle nudge, waited that the hidden door became visible and entered.

What he saw hurt his heart but soothed his eyes; Sirius Black, beautiful, important and dangerous beyond repair, sat at the old dark black piano -his hair falling into his face, his face pale but his lips crimson and almost pouting- and played with an inhuman grace and a love that made Remus feel jealous.

The smaller boy had almost reached the other, was in fact just about to climb over the small hard seat when -with a sudden and rather unexpected movement- Sirius turned his head to him and cool grey eyes that seemed to be a shade away from silver locked with his ember ones and Remus found himself tumbling chaotically over the Pianos pedals, his own feet and Sirius long legs because he could not look away.

For a moment that was shorter and more bitter than any of these two would have liked it to be, they were almost embracing, almost willingly touching, almost painless...almost happy...until Remus heaved himself -blushing heavily- off Sirius lap and the other gave him a misty look, starting the piece all over.

_-What do you think? What do you want...? Did this disgust you?Do...I? Sirius...please._

"So you did come" he said and looked out of the window, still playing as though he was concentrating fully on the piece and while it seemed that Remus had sweet misery as his lover, Sirius' seemed to be Euterpe favourite son. Remus whose hair was now mused and whose ego seemed to wither even more now that he was up close to his infatuation, distanced himself further and concentrated keenly on Sirius' capable hands creating, without failure, beseeching music. He did not have to answer, he knew that the taller boy was aware that he had thought his appearance obvious ...eventually.

"Well, you made sure to not have me sure here."

Remus rolled his eyes at the others semi-pouting, semi-idiocy and forgot -for a moment- that he was on weak ground with Sirius, that right now they were not even friends, but boys, tumbling along the gap that attraction had created. Changing the song and therefore the mood, he asked something that once again seemed to come out of the blue, or as it seemed to be with the taller boy, out of the darkness.

"Do you remember first year? When I'd gone "_missing"_..?"

"How could I forget"

"Back than I did not want to see you until I'd found a solution..." Sirius said and trailed of, biting his full lower lip in concentration and hitting the keys harder than necessary. "This time I wanted to do the same...I really wanted to stay away from you until I had figured out what to do about your...attraction."

"There is no solution for this Sirius. Feelings don't need solutions either they are welcomed ...or they're not"

"I know...I think if there had been something -anything-you could have done about them you would...'cause well, it simply can not be nice for you to fancy me of all people"

The werewolf raised his eyebrows at this and followed Sirius' gaze out of the window, wondering what had the other boy using the voice of the maltreated, the voice of the hurt; but neither the clouds nor their silver linings spoke truth to the him. In the end it was the other who did speak, even though it was not-at least in the young Lupins opinion- the truth.

"I treat everyone like shit."

"Not everyone...just...well, you do not treat me badly."

"But I tread you badly, right now."

"'s not your fault if your queer ...dorm-mate falls for you." It was a sour tragedy that Remus felt as though the word "friend" was as off-limits to him as his love; the taller boy's sinister growl- his own kind of vehement veto- did not help to soothe the pain which had been caused by this self made prohibition.

"I am your first right? The first boy you...fell for. Don't tell me otherwise, because I would have known, would have at least heard if you were completely swinging that way."

_-Memo to self Lupin, never forget that a lot of these wall's ears work or fancy Sirius Black...this could clearly be to your disadvantage.  
_

"And if it is the way I think it is, if I am the first boy you fell for...than you're not queer you're just stupid. But you know what's even more stupid? My cowardice. And my greed...because, you see Remus, it would have been the best to let you be ...at least as long as it would take me to figure things out. It would have only been fair if I would have stayed away from you until I had decided what I could do or what I felt about this...fancying thing...but--"

Sirius said and hid his gorgeous sinners face with his hands the way a flower hid its most important part with its beautiful, intriguing petals.

"--I was too weak. Too greedy...for doing the right thing."

Remus looked at him then, donning a expression that melded hurt and confusion, love and anger in one dark black, bleeding mess. Before the werewolf could say a single coherent thing, before he could unclench his teeth enough and deconstrict his heart, Sirius continued and forced the other to listen carefully while his heart beat away the seconds and the -as of yet- uncried tears.

"I simply could not stay away from you, Remus...the thought alone, made me sick. I.._.you_ --can you forgive me?"

"For what?"

"For ignoring you and fulfilling my needs, for not knowing your but my answer...for not being able to live without you..."

He found that he did not know if he could forgive Sirius...because he did not know if this scene was real or some weird, pained dream that oozed love the way it oozed pain, something about this whole episode was just spurious surreal...fighting against the trembling in his limbs, Remus allowed himself to look at the other. His hand- seemingly on its own votalation- trembled towards the pale face and rested against the high, slightly flushed cheek bones.

"Can your forgive me? For wanting to be with you? For missing you? For_ liking_ you?"

It seemed as though Remus had killed the music with this sentence, had maybe stabbed Euterpe because suddenly all he could hear was the silence which was disturbed by his own heartbeat and Sirius' burning silver glance which could cut holes in the very air itself. The older youth -his friend, his dorm-mate, his crush, his hope, his victim- regarded him for a a second, before he pulled him into his arms, diminishing the gap which had separated them in their shared hours of arsenic agony.

"There is nothing to forgive." The silken voice explained and the lycanthrope shook his swimming head and fought against the tears, while clawing his way deeper into Sirius' embrace.

_-Nothing but the fact that I seem to hurt you more with each passing day._

-

-

A week had passed since their mutual forgiveness and Remus, sitting on his bed and reading, was listening to the sounds of footsteps that came slowly but steadily closer. With a sudden gush of wind the door was thrown open and the other boys -pink cheeked and decorated richly with snow flakes- stepped into the room.

The werewolf regarded his comrades with a wary look and a joyful heart, thinking that winter had brought upon them- especially upon Sirius but he was not going to say that aloud, or even think that openly- a beauty that seemed almost divine it its untouched way.

They boys were coming "home" from another detention and while they claimed that it had been tiring -as every detention with McGonagall was- they were buzzing with excitement now, gesturing wildly and speaking loudly and laughing even harder than they had done the hours prior, which had been spent with intense plotting.

"Have you seen their faces?" James japed, wiping his glasses while Peter tried to walk and laugh and double over at the same time, what of course failed and sent him crashing to the floor, still laughing and shedding tears of delight. A spider -probably one who had the unlucky fate to encounter Sirius for it was quite clearly tap dancing- landed on his nose and Peter made a sound between a squeal and a grunt and knocked his head into James abdomen, sending the later sailing to the ground as well.

Remus smiled behind his book and tried to find the line he had lost when the boys, the snow and the smell of winter had entered their room, yet long before he had even the slightest chance to do just that he found himself embraced by one Sirius Black, who was, Remus really did no need to see it, grinning broadly and sitting slightly behind him.

_-Invading my bed again...and I really don't mind as much as I should._

"Na? Have you been a good boy Remus? You know tomorrow is the 6th of December so if you do not want "Knecht Ruprecht" to visit you, you better have been good..."

"Still talking about that German holiday are you? Sant Niklaus?"

"Of course! How can I not talk about it? It's such an important holiday and it's such a shame that the British do not celebrate it...you know Remus, it makes me really, really sad."

"Of course it does, Sirius, just as it makes you sad that Slytherin's Colour is not pink..."

"Well I think, that pink would look good on ole Slughhorn and...never mind. You of all people should be happy! I mean Sant Niklaus is the ultimate way of getting chocolate, right? Just place your shoes outside and the good old fellow who looks suspiciously like Santa Claus' alter ego places all those goodies in them..."

The werwolf felt the other nodding against his shoulder, felt his hot breath ghost over his neck and decided that he either had to run for cover or sit very, very still or Sirius might notice what kind of "goodies" were currently running through his once pure head.

Fighting against the lump that had decided to camp in his throat, Remus managed to glare slightly at nothing in particular.

"And here I was thinking that Sant Niklaus was going to look like a certain roommate of mine whose understanding of the English language is so limited that he does not understand the word "no" in the slightest."

"Why should he? It's such a awful jerkwater word, really..."

"It seems to be especially awful when in connection with me and presents!"

"Remus what are you trying to say? That I am not buying you enough presents? I'm going to change that..."

"Sirius...I warn you. No presents; it is bad enough that you talked me into celebrating that holiday..."

Behind him Sirius shook his head and closed even the last distance between their bodies, and Remus thought that he might die...or squeak, or melt to a muddle of blue colored frilly goo, or something else entirely embarrassing.

"What is so bad about it, Remykins? It's a perfectly safe holiday. On the fifth of December people take their shoes and place them outside and in the night they will be filled with chocolate and Oranges...it's not going to hurt you...unless you eat one of Jamie's self-made cookies..."

"That would kill me and not hurt me...the smell alone is frightening to say the least."

"...hmm when I think about it...maybe this holiday isn't so safe after all...you know because if you've been a naughty boy Knecht Ruprecht, who is Sant Niklaus' best mate, will hit you with his broom..."

Remus decided than that telling his friend that he _had _been naughty, especially where it concerned his thoughts about Sirius himself might be not the wisest and most sensible thing to do.

"How do you mean "_naughty_"? Because you know...compared to you even the Bogeyman does look like an innocent toddler."

"Pah! The Bogeyman! Remus really...!"

"But doesn't the German refer to him as "_the black man_"?!"

"Der schwarze Mann is what they call him, which translated in English does mean_ the black man_. Remus you really are more than you let on! Every time when I think that I know you, you go and surprise me!"

"Well, "stille Wasser sind tief"" Remus quoted a German saying that Sirius had once told him and that he had learned by heart "and I am not the one who knows...six or more languages."

The taller boy who was still embracing the lycanthrope the way a straight jacked would, tightened his grip around the slender body and shrugged.

_-Sirius_, Remus thought dizzily, and felt a though he had swallowed cole and the shadows that always lurked outside of his vision, shrugged a lot. Sometimes it seemed as though he was not only shrugging to emphasize that something was unimportant, but that something was actually bad and irreversible.

This shrugging, Remus thought further while the black haired youth stroked his arm through his jumper and his mind through his touch, was Sirius' way of saying "C'est la vie..." or even "rien ne va plus".

"How are you feeling?" the other's voice was silken yet rough, husky but smooth , tempting and warning in all the same breath and he found that he had trouble keeping that little shiver of excitement at bay.

"Probably better than you are."

"Understandable...detention with McGonagall is soooo bloody tiring!"

"I bet that she thinks the same about detention with you, Black."

"You _wound_ me!"

"And you avoid my question!! You know that I was not talking about that detention that you -by the way- fully deserved! Turning every single Slytherin into rainbow colored squirrels!? What were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all?"

"At least it will keep Snape from asking about your furry little problem! That sad excuse of a wanna-be pure blood is too nosy for his own good!"

The term "Furry little problem" had been the invention of James and while many students thought, that Remus had either a crazy chinchilla as a pet or a yeti as his lover, Snape had suspected something _else_...and Sirius, feeling overly protective once again, had used this chance to utterly humiliate the other student.

"And about that well-being thing... I am okay...why shouldn't I? "Unkraut vergeht nicht"."

Remus was tempted to inquire what he meant by that, was tempted to ask for the translation but the werwolf also recognized a trap when he saw one.

_-He just wants to change the topic...isn't this usually my thing to do?_

"Sirius Orion Black, do I have to remind you that you've spend the majority of this week in the infirmary?"

"It wouldn't have taken me so long if the _beast of hell_ hadn't tried to strangle me!"

_-Hell? So he does listen when Lily and I talk..!_

"Madame Pomfrey did not strangle you! She merely yelled at you!"

"Which is basically the same! She was horrible to me!"

"She wouldn't have to reprimand you if you hadn't left the infirmary at Saturday without her consent!"

"But I give you piano lessons on that day! Infirmary or not...!"

"But you were sick! I don't want you to risk your health for me!"

"It wasn't something Serious!"

James raised his head at the unintended pun and lost the grin that he had been wearing until then, fixing Remus with a warning glance before he grabbed Peter and left the room. Ever since that fateful week where Sirius had reappeared in the hospital wing, he had been eying the lycanthrope with a shadow of suspect and he knew, that it cost the proud boy a lot to leave them alone, after all Sirius _was_ James' best friend, his brother in everything but blood.

_-He must think that I endanger Sirius...and to be entirely truthful...he is right._.

"Not something serious" he echoed sadly, shook his pounding head and remembered what the Black heir had looked like after that one week of disappearance. Remembered that Sirius had "forgotten" to eat and drink daily, forgotten to sleep or even rest, forgotten to dry his drenched clothes. Remus remembered how pale the other boy had looked, how hurt, remembered the way his eyes had been puffy and bloodshot, the way his skin had seemed to be translucent...Remus remembered and felt his stomach knot itself together and his throat go dry.

_-All because I couldn't keep my feelings a secret..._ he thought and tried to breath evenly, Sirius' arms which had never left their proper place around his waist squeezed and he touched his cheek to Remus' temple.

"It's not your fault Remus" the other boy said and tried to give the werewolf his own kind of absolution "James distrust isn't your fault, my stay at the infirmary isn't your fault, your feelings are not your fault. If anything I should feel honored that you feel that way for me...and only me."

"I hurt you."

"ditto."

"I endanger you."

"No you don't. You make sure that I don't end up killing myself in one of my typical frenzies. You care for me, warm me, help me and you make this place home..."

Sirius said and smiled into his shoulder, burning the scarred skin and forcing it to break out into goosebumps.

"Do you know where James and Peter went?" the smaller boy asked and stared at the vacated spot on the floor where his two friends had sat.

"Peter wanted to show James Elanis Miali the Slytherin 7th year he is so smitten with."

"Seventh year? Isn't she a bit to old...? I don't understand..."

"Neither do I...she is a Slytherin after all, who in their right mind would date her? I mean she is hot and all... But than again who would date Peter? Either somebody who is absolutely good at heart like you, or somebody as blind as Marlene McFinster."

"I would not date Peter!"

"Of course you would!"

"No! I like you after all! Why would I date somebody else?"

"This has nothing to do with that! It's simply about dating somebody, not about fancying them! It does not matter if you like who you kiss!"

Remus opened his mouth to protest but shut it before he could say anything even remotely embarrassing. Sirius was looking at him now with an unhappy look of concentration; a look that a bloodhound might give a particular difficult and strange prey.

"Remus...you like me, right? But you don't go out with me...or I don't go out with you...are you saying...you cannot possible say that-- "

"I am not going out at all? Yes I can Sirius...wouldn't you have noticed if I had a girlfriend?"

"Yes...but...never? Remus...if you think that...if you believe that you have to fancy who you kiss..."

The older boy trailed of, looking at Remus as though he was seeing him for the first time in months. Knowing from the heat that was burning his cheeks, that he was blushing profusely, Remus lowered his head and clenched his bed sheets in his pale hands.

"If I kiss who I fancy...than I haven't kissed anybody at all" he said and waited for something to happen, waited for Sirius to laugh, to joke, to ruffle his hair, waited for the beautiful boy to leave him alone, deserted because this was too much for him to handle. For a few seconds nothing happened and the lycanthrope started to raise his eyes, when he was pulled into a warm -almost burning hot- embrace.

Something in him noted -quite awed- that he was sitting on Sirius' lap, with the other's face in the crook of his neck, with his chest touching Sirius', with his mouth at the others throat and his own heart in those music-weaving hands.

In the end, Sirius did not ruffle his hair, did not laugh, did not joke, but used his breath to chant either "fool" or "Remus" over and over _and over_ again.

It did not truly matter which, because at this point, the difference between these two words was -at least to the lycanthrope- as visible as a Grey bird caged in a rainstorm.

-

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a few hours later

In later years, Remus would find himself blushing whenever somebody mentioned his "first time" and most people who would see that blush travel from his neck to his throat and below his cloak-to a place that only Sirius was allowed to see- would think that his first time had been embarrassing or messy or something else this untrue...

Well, his first time would be embarrassing -for him- but it would not be the cause for his blush, because Remus always referred by first time to his first Sant Niklaus and his first intimate contact with Sirius Black. And yet it was not the intimacy that brought upon the blush but the fact that he had crept at 5 am out of his bed and into the hallway trying to get his sweets before his stomach could do anymore upset somersaults or before his head could come forth with another way to replay the hugging scene from earlier...

He had just convinced himself that it was pretty normal to have jittery knees all night long and a permanent blush when he opened the door and Sirius stood there, on the stairs, leaning against the railing and looking at the ceiling with an odd expression that could terrify the most calm of lycanthropes.

Even those who were not madly, irrevocably, absolutely smitten with him.

_"Sirius...?" Remus asked and noted with dread in his stomach that the other boy was looking painfully, achingly beautiful with his hair down and his torso bare- all muscles and lines and unblemished skin that looked snow white in the unearthly light of the early morning._

The other boy did not answer but closed his eyes and Remus -trying not to notice the way he bared his tempting throat and trying not to imagine what it would taste like- took a tentative step forward, dancing almost around the multitude of shoes standing there.

"Are you...okay?" he said because he knew that Sirius was to cocooned in "crucio" and pain and tears and "shame of my flesh" to be ever alright again.

Pushing himself from the rail and taking the few steps that separated them, the blackhaired boy came to an halt only a few inches before him. He did not say anything, did not do anything unless to gaze at him with those killing mercury eyes and Remus found that his mouth had run too dry to voice anymore of his thoughts.

When he opened his mouth again he found that breathing was simply too difficult because Sirius hands were on his cheeks and his breath was on his his forehead and Remus had a thousand bees in his body which were all angry and deadly poisonous. Sirius hands, long and talented at so many things, traced his cheekbones, his nose, his eyes and, _finally_, his mouth. The other's thumb wandered over his upper and then his lower lip in a lazy, almost surreal way, added only the slightest of pressures. Screaming against the weakness in his knees and against the gasp in his throat, the young sandy-haired boy tried to understand the situation, but failed when those hands shivered to the back of his head, into his bed hair and Sirius' face came so much closer.

_-oh sweet chocolate_

It was only when he felt Sirius trailing kisses along his face, across his forehead, upon his nose and onto his eyelids that he noticed that he himself had closed his eyes. Not finding his voice, he grabbed at the taller boy and shuddered when his hands came in direct contact with the pale skin. Those tempting kisses, the gentle nips, moved lower, were now trailed along his jaw and in the moment that Remus had finally enough strength to push Sirius away the other had moved forward and pressed his lips to his own nervous ones.

This kiss was -no matter how cliché that sounded- heaven.

It was hell.

It was everything in between-

and it was nothing like Remus had expected a kiss from Sirius to be. Whenever his mind -so wonderfully independent - had decided to tackle that topic he had imagined hot, hungry, hurried kisses that left him painfully hard and unsatisfied...and while this kiss was hungry and definitely hot it was also saccharine sweet and heartbreakingly tender.

For a moment Remus stayed like that and refused to move; he feared that Sirius would break away, would stop as soon as he would notice how new at this whole kissing thing the lycan was, but when the black haired boy did not move away but closer, Remus dared to tremble closer, clawed at the older youth's chest, stroked his back and returned the kiss.

Sirius' hands wandered from his neck down to his hips and on their way they burned his skin, raising goosebumbs and sending shivers down his aching spine.

A startled, new born sound escaped Remus' too dry throat and his boiling blood stained the werewolf's cheeks rose red. Remus' hands, which were skaing violently now, journeyed down the pale torso and because Sirius used this moment to suck on his lower lip, Remus nails bit into Sirius' skin while doing this mind numbing journey; leaving red stains from collarbone to his navel.

For a moment Remus worried that this helpless scratching, this uncontrolled desire would disgust the young Black but all Sirius did was to pull him tighter, to hold his small form impossible closer; the sucking ceased and teeth started to worry his lower lip with sudden vigor.

Another sound- a groan? A moan? Remus mused and felt vermilion heat pool in his lower stomach- was ripped from him. Bewildered and slightly delirious the younger boy thought that there had to be a way that would lead to fulfillment, a deeper kiss for example sounded promising...

Pressing his hips against Sirius' Remus dared to trace the others lips with his tongue and was startled and hurt and disappointed when the taller boy broke the lip-lock.

"A first kiss" Sirius explained and whetted his lips with his own pointed tongue "should never be a French one."

Without another word Sirius bowed down, grabbed Remus shoes and put them in his arms before he turned around and headed to Merlin knows where.

The other boy did no know what had possessed Sirius to kiss him or to hold him like this and wondered and hoped that Sirius might have accidental put his own heart in his shoes when he filled them with sweets.

(next chapter: seperation and intimacy)

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A/N: Gosh! That chap is loooong...the longest up 'til now...and I think the one with the most spelling errors -_claps hands over her eyes_- ignore them, ya? As you see I posted this rather soon...as soon as I could with my school, my moving out from the orphanage, my ethics teacher asking me if I am seeing a shrink and my beta-reader refusing to talk to me TT

I hurried myself 'cause I had so many reviews and I felt absolutely grateful...I hope that this chapter is not too awful ...I am sorry if it is. I don't know if anybody noticed, but my chapters always have themes ...the first chap for an instant had lies/truth as topic this one was about pain and relief and so on...don't ask me why I told you this...to quote my math's teacher: Sometimes my own spontaneity startles me_ -shakes head-_

**Kate**: Where are you?? You said that you were going to send me the chap like...3 days prior...I hope that you are okay... Did I annoy you or something??

**RhiannonVega**: I welcome you as a new reviewer _-gives you tons of cookies-_ And want to thank you for leaving me a review _-bows-_ I hope that you will survive this chapter and stay with me...every author (no matter how much she sucks ;) ) needs feedback.

**platinumvamp**: Hah, again! You're still alive...I was worrying, you know...but let me hug you for the review -_cuddles_- smut will come.

**Lightenmd**: Thank god? Please no! xD Thank yourself! Every "silent reader" that voices his/her thoughts about TwiSy will give me the courage to continue...I sincerely hope that you will feed me with more feedback...even though this chapter is ...free of any talent -_cries-_

**nori**: Everything about me is confusing...but if you'd tell me what confuses you, I could try to explain it, ya? Thank you for the review...I will not forget your loveliness.

**dajazzman**: Dunderhead?? xDD I can emphasise with you...my classes started, too...but can you imagine how much more I have to force myself to write a story when nobody reviews and I need the time for studying? And the lack of reviews makes me feel...really worthless ;) But anyway I am sooooo happy that you wasted some time on reviewing!_ -hugs-_ You made my day! I hope that you can forgive me for this rather...crappy and confusing chapter, though_ -coughs-_ because I would hate to lose you as a reader and especially as a reviewer. About your P.S. I did kick him...he wasn't too happy about that xP but it seems as though it worked, didn't it?3

**truest-of-true-loves**: Can I marry you?? Please?? You actually left me a review for pretty much every single god-damn chapter _-sobs-_ how wonderful is that? I did hope to write a different and interesting story...but believe me- you made me feel so BAD about the last chapter(and of course for this one -.-)...Sirius was in the hospital wing 'cause he did not care for himself (did not eat, did not drink much etc.) I hope that it became obvious in this chap...I imagine him to be a type of guy who can withdraw completely from the world when he wants to ponder over certain things...most of the time he is confident and rather rash...but because it _is_ Remus who fancies him, he tries to come to a solution that will not hurt his friend...Thank your for your reviews I hope that you will not stop to feed me with them...even though this chapter sucks big time.


	7. scar tissue

Disclaimer: In the name of my insane socks, lately I have begun to feel like a parrot(and what a strange parrot I'd make oô)-shakes head- don't own, don't sue, please.

Synopsis: The puppies have decided to celebrate the Sant Niklaus holiday, where the shoes are put in front of the door and will be filled with sweets in the night. It is an obvious sheme from Sirius and James to supply Remus with chocolate and the werewolf had to-grumbingly- accept, that he can not stop them from doing so. Remus becomes more and more aware of the more carnal aspects of his feelings. Earlier that day the taller boy found out that the werewolf has not yet kissed, or been kissed by anyone, because he likes Sirius and does not wish to kiss anyone else. The other appears to be troubled by this and hugs Remus, startled by the depth of his friends feelings, to his chest. When the lycan goes out in the early morning to collect his shoes-and, consequently, his sweets- Sirius awaits him and is strangely silent. He then kisses the lycan for a long moment but refuses to deepen the kiss into a frensh one, claiming that a first kiss should not have the tongue involved. Once more, the older boy makes a hasty retreat and confuses Remus greatly.

o

Twilight Symphony

Chapter o6: Scar Tissue

o

* * *

Christmas proved to be a painful time for Remus John Lupin.

Since he had been bitten and turned into something that he would always consider as a monster, Remus had not had a single absolutely nice, healing Christmas that could soothe his pain, eliminate his thousand bottomless worries and fill his burning hunger.

Before the lycanthrope had come to Hogwarts -Years and Days and Months that he did not like to remember, seeing as they were all of a monotonous quality that stole his breath and made his skin rip apart- his family had made Christmas seem as something to mourn, something to fear...something that had once been nice -before he had been turned, before he had changed, before he had been born- but was now nothing more but a hollow, ghostly whisper.

A memory of something that had been shattered and that would never come back; no matter how hard he wished or how much he cried.

The young boy did not think that his family was at fault for the many cruciating holidays, for the dark glimmer in his eyes or the cold that gripped him whenever the holidays approached, though. Remus, being entirely himself, thought that he himself was at fault...

Their eldest son becoming a monster once a month -once even on boxing day- had torn the family apart and stole their money, their dignity...his fury little problem had hurt them, raped them, violated them all...it was no wonder, Remus thought probably every year at the same time, at the same moment with the same felling of ...emptiness, that, as soon as they saw a chance to have him somewhere else, they took it and did not give it back.

It was something that he often saw in humans...the locking away of one's true fear and because he had too many fears to count-the greatest fear he had, naturally of himself- he did not ask his family to bring him back into the open. No matter how suffocating the darkness was.

The shadows it seemed, were fitting for someone :something: that only came out into the open when the moon cast its icy light upon it, something that tore at his body and his life.

That was why Remus, being Remus stayed at Hogwarts over the holidays, even when the draft was chilly and his bed was lonesome. Even when he himself felt lonesome and slightly abandoned.

Sadly it seemed that the sandy haired boy had a talent to collect trouble and problems and pain in the way a merchant collects trash and knick knacks and can not sell it away.

Even when he desperately wants to, needs to, has to in order to survive.

This year Remus had the unhappy fate to be the only one of his infamous group of friends that had to stay at the castle over Christmas -Peter visited his grandmother, James his parents and Sirius had a lot of pure blood celebrations that called for his presence- and he did not even expect any letters to rescue him from his dark nights and black days.

For, if he dared to remember, dared to recollect the shards of the past few Weeks, he had to note that neither James nor Sirius had been speaking with, to or about him.

And seeing as Peter seems to sometimes lose his own free will I am therefore not on speaking terms with him either...

James' bed, strangely tidy and empty, caught his eye and Remus had to wonder why he could not feel any real anger towards the other youth. Towards a boy that had been his friend for the past years and that -quite suddenly, but without any surprise- refused to even pat him on the shoulder.

James who had eyed him the entire week with suspicion had distanced himself emotionally from the sandy haired boy and Remus had had more than once the crippling tear colored feeling that the other relished in the fact that Sirius and he had ceased to speak.

One time -the chocolate from St Niklaus had still turned his stomach upside down and Sirius' Kiss had left his lips feeling like scar tissue- James had turned his head to him, glasses reflecting nothing but his own scarred face-his tumbling wishes and desires- and said:

"I was thinking that you two were moving ahead of me, leaving me behind, but it seems as though the only motion you two are doing is a falling one."

The other had given him a Grey, unsatisfied smile and Remus had understood that James' truth was usually a painful, aching and envious one.

He blames me for taking away his best friend he had found himself thinking and himself for letting it happen...

Sitting on his bed on Christmas day he decided that it was not, could not, should not lose his friend's trust for nothing, Sirius did, after all, not reciprocate his feelings and while he might have bestowed him a kiss, the black haired heir had also slain wounds into his body that would last longer than the pristine white snow ever could.

After the Kiss -he did not know it of course, but he would write it with a Capital K (and shaking hands) if he ever had to- Sirius had cut all ties that were connecting them; after the Kiss he had refused to look at Remus or talk with him or touch him in any way. Sirius did not come to breakfast or dinner or the great hall in general and the lycan could not really remember the last time he had seen Sirius lying in his bed; because whenever he dared to look, dared to remember, dared to breath, Sirius' sheets were made and the four poster empty.

He knew, without really wanting to, that Sirius had taken flight and found shelter with one of his many groupies. Whatever it was that Sirius' had felt during the Kiss had rattled him, probably disgusted him and made him avoid Remus in a way that reminded the younger of the devil and it's holy water.

He was half angry and half sad about Sirius' wild escapism and he was half laughing and half scowling because of his own idiocy. He would have liked to say that he would willingly use a timetuner to change this day, to stop Sirius from Kissing him, just so that he could have his friend back, but the sole thought alone made his toes curl and his stomach drop; because this thought alone was a burning lie.

He could not wish for this, he could not think about it, he could not do it, because the Kiss was everything he wanted put in gasoline and decorated with ether. Everything he desired tainted with blood, drowned with tears. The Kiss was all he could and should hope for, even when it tore him apart at the seems.

With a sigh that belonged to an old man and not to a boy of 14, Remus closed his eyes and relearned the sound of his own weak heart.

He did not know if he should sleep or mourn, because truth to be told this whole fiasco kept him barely alive, only barely breathing -and hurt him more than anything else had in the last years.

Remus laid his head on his shivering arms and felt how the Christmas wrapping cut into his too think, too thin skin.

Looking at the pile of presents that littered his bed -a chessboard from Peter, a book -with the alarming title "1200 useless things from a admiration to 3"-, clothes from his grandmother and a letter that he would get his present when he was home from his own parents- Remus frowned and felt like...he did not know what.

This last letter- he did not dare to name it promise because it was so very empty- was like a balloon; like something that was already thin, weak and unreal filled with something even thinner; because he knew that there would be no presents for him at his parent's, no hugs and no love and for everything else he had no desire.

It was only 7 pm but the small boy felt mentally exhausted, emotional drained and aimless.

Sweet sticky misery clung to the frame of the lycan, filled his quivering lungs and poisoned his usually strong mind.

Remus' heart beat almost painfully against his paper thin ribs and seemed to want to flee from his chest.

Rubbing one of his hands across his face the boy tried to breath, to hold in his screams and his tears but failed when his palm touched his bloodless lips.

An image -how many of them had he anyway? They seemed to not only fill his head but his mouth as well, the very air seemed to consist of these magnificent but oh so painfully images and sometimes he almost got the impression that at night he was blanketed by them- of Sirius leaning towards him and kissing him; of Sirius burning his body resurfaced and made him shed a few crystal tears.

The kiss had been...almost surreal and yet indisputable worldly, tangible, real.

The innocence, the sweetness of the kiss had been tainted a heated, blinding sanguine by the sheer crazy amount of experience it had shown and Remus had to fight his own insecure jealousy that dared to gut him since then.

If he had to think about all those girls Sirius had had...all the kisses he had had...all the intimacy he had had...he felt sick and yet those thoughts did not disturb him that badly, because...

I wouldn't want him any other way.

Leaning his cheek against his bedpost the small, sandy haired boy closed his stinging eyes and took a strange comfort in the fact that his tears did not fall, even when they clearly wanted to.

He wondered why he had not done this - the closing of his eyes, the shutting away of the visual onslaught- when Sirius had touched his lips to his, when the older boy had changed his world and replanted his heart.

"A First kiss should not be a French one..."

the black haired boy had stated, but shouldn't a first kiss include the closing of ones eyes?

A nasty little voice that sounded suspiciously like a mixture from James' and Sirius' told him, that the other boy had not ordered him to keep his eyes open, he had -in fact- not even told him to return the kiss...

But, Remus vetoed in his mind and set his mouth in a thin line that resembled MC Gonagalls in a frightening way, how am I supposed to close my eyes when his are open?! When our eyes meet I usually try to not even blink, so it is not possible to close them when we...kiss...

During the Kiss Sirius' eyes had turned a few shades lighter than their usual steely Grey, leaving them to resemble the inhuman colour of a newly born ghost.

And Remus being Remus hadn't the slightest chance to look away.

Caught up in these swirling thoughts, in those lessons of the past that he did not need to study because they would not carry over into his future, Remus failed to see the lone silhouette approaching him.

Gazing at him with blaring violet eyes.

And it was only when the person spoke -called his name in a voice that was neither a whisper nor a shout, but so loud that it hurt his senses and dazzled him- that the lycanthrope raised his head and found his heart missing a beat.

A young boy with vivid red hair that reached to his slender ankles faced him, wearing a simple robe and an expression that spoke of pain and disgust. Remus did not know that boy, had not seen him before and yet he could not deny that the wolf inside of him stayed silent because it felt that he was familiar.

The boy took another step towards him, a step so silent that Remus did understand why he had not heard the child approach, and caught the werewolf's eyes with his own.

"Who are you..?"

"I am a servant of Sirius Black."

"W-what?"

"I am also -so to speak- his protégé"

"Come again?"

"Meaning that I work for him, lend him my services and he offers me an home."

"Services...?!"

The sandy haired boy shook his head, blushed deep red and wondered how and when his mind had developed that wonderful tendency to end up in the gutter.

_-probably when I first looked at Sirius and noticed that my thoughts weren't pure at all..._

Cutting that thought short and forcing himself to concentrate on the boy he tried to be more accurate.

"What is your name?"

"The name is Ciaran, Mr. Lupin and I should inform you that I lack a family name."

"Why?"

"People such as I do not own a family name. Sometimes we do not even own a first name."

"People such as you?"

"Servants, Mister Lupin. People who have no family, no home and who work for others."

"You don't look like an house elf."

"That is good, I suppose, seeing as I do not belong to that particular race. And yes, you are correct in your assumption that I am not human either. And now, Mister Lupin, if you are so kind as to quell your curiosity and further questions that will come forth from it, I would like to fulfil the order Master Sirius has given to me."

With an almost economic gesture the boy produced a letter from thin air and placed it in Remus' pale hands. Looking between the boy and the parchment the taller boy was arguing with himself if he should ask another question, but decided against it, for he neither thought it nice nor fitting to ask the red-head what he was if not human.

Opening the letter under the scrutiny of those strangely inhuman eyes, he felt the urge to bid the other to quit the room so that he could read this note without being watched, being a bit violated, but a feeling which was gnawing stubbornly at his gut, which tore at his spine, told him that it was unlikely that Ciaran would leave if he asked him.

He let his eyes return to the snow-white parchment and begant to read

_Dearest Remykins_, Remus raised his head from the paper and stared at the violet-eyed boy as though he expected him to laugh or joke, but the boy kept his expression carefully blank and his mouth blood-red and closed.

_-That's a mask...and a familiar one at that._

It was this dead mask that softened his struggling heart for Ciaran, because it was the same thing, the same lie Sirius painted on his own chalk white face. A lie that he needed because his family would never love the boy for who and how he was; with a sick feeling in his stomach Remus looked at the redhead again, noted how thin he was-_almost as skinny as Sirius can be...will be when he comes here after the summer holidays...after being yelled at, cursed at, after being hated and hurt_ and screaming anger collided in his chest and left the lycan gasping for breath.

Trying to distract himself he gazed at the letter, those thousand of letters, thoughts, worries and read on.

As you see you get this note with the help of a very dear friend of mine. Somebody that lives with me, works for me since I am very young and is considered by me as a true mate.

His name is- as you probably already know, seeing as you have a habit of demanding the name of one first thing when you meet them- Ciaran. In my opinion the name does not sound all that nice but...well...I was four when I named him, alas when I met him, so sue me. Ah I bet you go all" What? Four?! That is like 10 years ago!!" on me now, 'cause honestly he does not look that old, or old at all, but believe me, the boy is -at least- our age! Isn't this fucking great?!

Oh wait you're not my age! I almost forgot- I am your senior, little one!

You know what? You two have something in common! Something beside being smaller, thinner and prettier than me. Both of you should -I say should, cause really Rem' either I am blind or you hide those things even when you are naked- have pristine, thin fairy wings attached to your backs, 'cause you two are both fairies!

The difference between your fairiness and his -beside your ancestors, the names and the appearance- is that he is born as one. Which means that him being a fairy has nothing to do with his sexual orientation but his race.

He is -also like you- not a pure blood, but of mixed heritage. I do not think that him not being a noble fairy or whatever concerns you, but I thought that I should tell you this. Don't bloody ask me why, yes Remykins? Answers and logic are things better left for such proper boys such as you.

I think last week has shown us what kind of person I am - not proper or nice, gentle or caring but an royal asshole. I am sitting here -in a cold room, with cold things and a dusty interior, somewhere in Albany -and I can't fucking believe that I did not talk to you...I mean you are my mate, aren't you? How can I not talk with you? And its not only that...to top things I pretty much ignored you, denied your existence...your part in my life...

I am a right git, hm? A sexy(that should be seen as common knowledge by now), bad-ass, handsome git, but still...a git.

But I think you knew that all along...that is why...I am not going to apologise. I mean I never say "sorry"...so, well I won't start now.

You shouldn't either...I know you Rem' and I know that you've got such a fiddlesticks notion in your head that the last week is your fault, that you're vile for feeling the way you do...that you are doing something forbidden, something that makes me act the way I do...

But as I said before- that's bull. Nothing you do makes me a brat, nothing you say makes me cold...you are not responsible for my shitty behaviour. You should start blaming that on other people, you know? I, for an instance blame my relatives...after all- how can I be a decent human being if they aren't? The term "role-model" is a twisted thing when it comes to the Blacks.

So now that I have used enough parchment and time- I think I have to join Walburga and Orion in the lounge now, where they sit and talk with some annoying duchess and her daughter and her stupid speaking rabbit about how I need a sodding hair cut- I am going to put a stop here.

If you are interested in writing me you can of course do so...but tell me how you are holding up, yah?

Going down to meet the mummies,

Sirius

PS: The thing you'll get from Ciaran is from me, of course...the name is Selen and you can thank Ciaran for getting him...'cause I wouldn't have written the damn letter if he had not bugged me so...not that Selen wasn't intended for you in the first place, but I thought you might not want anything that comes from the asshole No. 1….Ciaran claimed that I was acting stupid(having a present but not giving it to you) and did not stop to bother me until I had told him to bring Selen to you. Well, Never mind.

Enjoy

Remus closed his stinging moon gold eyes, forced his fingers to not shiver too badly and decided that it was painful to breath.

"Sirius."

his mind whispered audibly and he had the immortal taste of blood in his mouth and the feeling of love in his throat...this letter was hurting him, worrying him, opening old wounds that he wanted to be gone...but that he could not live without. The letter pained him and yet soothed him, because it tore the rotten things -worry, anger, jealousy, hatred, disgust -out of his wounds and left them to heal on their own.

"Master Remus,"

the boy said his name -and this awkward title- slowly and moved his jaw as though he was tasting it upon his tongue. Finally, when the words had long died out, Ciaran smiled a little and opened his mouth for new words.

"This is a present for you." he murmured and brought the strange, in the air hovering package that he had seen before to rest at his feet.

"That smells like..."

-School and wilderness, the woods and like James and Sirius after they have played -and won?- a Quidditsh gmatch...but it smells a lot more like Sirius...it smells the way that he does when he is embracing me...

With heat travelling through his body -probably to stain his cheeks crimson- and a frown creasing his eye brows, Remus chewed on his fingers and wondered aloud:

"How can it smell like him but so different altogether?"

"That question can be easily answered."

"And how?"

"It smells like the place and the people he is with."

Remus found himself choking on the jealousy that seemed to drown his small, battered form and gazed at the tiny boy his age? He could hardly believe this through shivering eyelashes, that were -quite sadly- not dark enough to hide the molten gold his eyes had become. Ciaran, seeing the look and feeling the tension that bound the young werewolf, sighed and balled his marble hands to fists.

"His relatives, his captures, his living nightmares...the people that made his live hell ever since he can think, feel, speak...the Blacks."

Remus had the impression that he was levitating, or that the time was levitating, a thing without control but steady and gentle and he noted, for the first time, that the fairies eyes were multicoloured spheres of Violet, Magenta and copper. After he had looked at those eyes and they had looked into him, Remus remembered something that had puzzled him before.

"You've seen him when he was little?"

The glacier that had been the redheads eyes melted a little and showed Remus the prospect of spring, the love he had for the black haired youth. Nodding in the direction of the unknown something he repeated his earlier words, but this time there seemed to be a certain warmth in them.

"This is your present. From Sirius."

Another almost economic, almost practical flick of that tiny wrist and the cloth that had covered the package disapeared and left a copper and gold cage in it's wake. A cage that was not only tall and beautiful, not simply an artist's suffering dream but also the habitat of a small, pearly white owl that blinked at the werewolf and made his heart melt. An owl that was young and beautiful and had eyes that seemed to reflect the sadness Remus had felt throughout the holidays.

"When you're finished with ogling you can write him an answer."

The boy might not have been taller than four feet but he stood there like a rock and Remus knew, without even thinking about it, that he would not leave until he had written Sirius a response.

So much about -if you want you can write me back? I think he'd camp here if he'd had to

However, when he was truthful he did not mind at all; he wanted to answer his friend and it was as good an excuse to so as he would get.

S_irius,_

_do I have to remind you that you're only a few months my "Senior"?_

_And if you declare it common knowledge that you're inhuman sexy, I have to tell you that it is common knowledge that you're not my senior when it comes to your psyche._

_Don't say that your talent for mischief makes you superior either,...no, not even the stunt you pulled with the stairs will help you with that(honestly, why did you make these fake-steps? Just yesterday I didn't pay attention and was caught on the fifth floor. Sometimes I think it would be wise to glue you on a chair, somewhere in a dark corner where you can plot all you want but can not act on your impulses, nor infect somebody else with your ideas.)_

_And about "wise"- Do you deem it wise to brag to me about your sexiness? Don't you think that it might be the wrong topic to discuss with me of all people?_

I like your hair, you can call me feminine all you want, I would welcome it when you would let it grow out even more...you'll need to do that anyway, when it is supposed to cover that awfully big head of yours.

Sirius, this letter was more of an apology than anything else I've ever read…and it was annoyingly full of lies, premises and half-truths. Who ever said that you were an idiot? Were they out of their mind, or did they not realise that you are one of the best students of our entire school? I hope that you do not expect me to remind you in which subjects you belong to the best, because I do not think your ego needs to grow anymore...I honestly doubt that you'll fit in your bed when your head gets any bigger.

Sadly, I must agree that you can be...cruel, cold and a bit disturbing, but who am I to tell you that? However, I do not think, that you're evil or vile or a monster; that is -my- title Sirius. Get yourself another one, yes? Honestly, if you are a monster than what is left for me?

You're greedy and a liar and the latter is far worst than the first, because you do not only blame your family, do you? Even though you could you blame yourself as well. How can you? When -to be painfully frank- the thought of your family alone is enough to make my blood boil and my toes curl? Ciaran does not seem to be too fond of them either...he likes you, a lot, doesn't he?

It's nice to see that you've somebody looking after you, even when you're not at Hogward's...but what is his connection to him? How did you meet him and when?

By the way- I am pouting, because he has seen you as a toddler, and I have not...that is really, really not fair of you Sirius. You know that I am curious as to what you looked when you were younger, don't you? I'd like to see the Sirius who took piano and drawing, duel and rhetorical lessons and who was not that awfully tall!

Really, if you keep growing and no, I do not refer to your head this time, this much should be apparent that much I have to plot with James as to how we can stop that, the air is definitely too thin wherever your head is. Not enough oxygen for your brain... This is why I am surprised that you managed to give me such a wonderful present! Sirius...what can I say? You know, that I did not need any presents, that it would have been enough if you'd get that stubborn head of yours to talk with me...well, maybe the owl is all right, after all. It is, knowing you, as much a Christmas present as a soothing gift, yes?

This is so typical of you Sirius; whenever I gather the guts to be angry at you, you do something that makes me melt, makes me forgive you in an instant; if you want to be held responsible for something, you can use this, because I never wanted anybody to manipulate me, but being friends with you has taught me how easy it to forget, how hard it is to ignore you.

Bastard.

Sirius, Ciaran starts to fidget and he told me that I cannot use Selen for the letter, can you tell me why? It seems that I can not quite grasp your logic today, seeing as there is multitude of questions without answers; I think the most annoying one is why you names the owl Selene...

Really...Selene and Remus?

I don't find this funny...I mean your owls name isn't white or eclipse why does he have to be named Selene? Did you want to anger me?

Still I am till grateful for this gift and I already thanked Ciaran for -as he puts it- kicking your ass and making you send me this.

Thank you,

Remus

He cast a charm that made the ink dry, and the dark indigo blue of his handwriting seeped with vigour into the thick parchment, reminding him of the tears he had almost shed, the tears that were stile lurking somewhere inside of him, most likely at the place where all his sorrow went; a dark corner in a dark, hurt body that could barely contain the feelings Sirius' message had invoked inside if him.

"I really, really need to go."

Ciaran's voice sounded strained and the lycan cocked his head and gazed at the fairy, the letter heavy in his pale hands. With a too-dry throat he repeated the question he had asked him while writing that letter.

"And you really can't tell me why I can't use Selen? Or why you have to leave already?"

"No...I can only say that he is in trouble...and that I need to take care of him."

"Can I help?"

"Only if you give me the letter."

Remus sighed and fought to hear the hateful words over the white noise that had inhibited his body the way fog will claim an entire city if it gets the slightest chance. Remus knew, in that moment, with the parchment between their fingers and worlds between their lives- and only Sirius, battered, mutilated, barely loved Sirius as a bridge-that the moon and the world and his nightmares were close, almost too close to be able to breath.

With his fingers trembling and his heart aching the young werewolf let the paper and his heart slip in those tiniest of children hands, that with a swift flick of the attached wrist let the paper vanish.

"He'll answer you."

The redhead said and looked him square in the eye before he vanished through the window. Remus' heart, stubborn and fragile as it was leaped and then went into a strange state of hibernation, closing down and shutting away from the extern world.

For the days to come the lycan barely spoke and answered questions with a polite smile and a cold attitude, things that clashed horribly with each other and made the hairs on his neck stand on end and his stomach churn with an entirely unpleasant feeling. He was staring to worry that he would throw up one of these days when he entered his room and caught sight of an envelope that rested -almost innocently- upon his pillow.

Why do you have to start a letter in such a formal -read: stick up your ass- way?!

I have seen you cry, scream, blush and I have seen you bloody nude! When this isn't enough to loosen you up than nothing is! Dammit Remus, really how fucking prude can you be? But hey, I think I should not bother with your fidgety after all it helps me here.

I mean this is the ultimate proof that you are my junior-face it, fluff ball you're destined to be it!

Any,way what are you crying about the stairs? I tell you that was a prank supreme! Ever body tumbles down those fucking stairs, because they do not see the vanishing step...but Prongs seems eager to get even; he has charmed the armour and it is walking, sometimes even speaking now. We were thinking about charming it to make a move on MC Google but that stupid thing refused!

How ungrateful!

Anyway, I think -and this is going to be a sweet little secret- that I will have some more fun with the stairs; I want to change its direction or something...have been reading through the books here, and there are some nice charms...I can't wait to try them. Honestly, the only good thing about being here is the library...and the fact that they can not lock me in the bloody south wing.

I bet the bastards are wailing about being unable to shut me away...but sadly I still can not use my time as I please...there are definitely to many "celebrations" to do so...If I have so much as smile or nod in Hogwarts, or wear a fine robe I am committing genocide.

Honestly.

This last week I was on more weddings -urgh!- than a desperate lady in waiting. Most of the people that were stupid enough to marry I did not know. I was informed that they were important "business" colleagues of father-dearest, or that they were influential mages, but honestly, these things mean only that they are into the dark arts and starving mad.

There were eight girls that wanted me to propose to them and none of them surpassed a flobber worm where it concerned good-naturedness.

That reminds me -you called me Bastard...I dunno if I should be amused or offended...but I'll settle for being proud and (there's a treatment for you- know-it-all) - Bastard is not a correct title for me 'cause I am neither a dog, nor somebody who does not know his parentsHow I wish I would not...but who knows? I might believe that they were nice and loving or some shit..

I am a wonderfully disgusting "pure blood"(and no mongrel). I am even incestuous so search for a new insult, lovely, yes?

It's too bad that I can not call you feminine anymore, because that's James job to be...he's almost as touchy when it comes to his hair as when it comes to his broom and this is -for the captain of a quidditsh team- a deadly combination. Maybe we should create something that makes his hairdo stay the way it is? All spikes and working against gravitation? It is amusing, after all.

But thank you, I do like my hair, too. That's why I did let it grow out and I absolutely refuse to let them chop it- all the hard work for nothing? Forget it! I don't want to understand why a short haircut is accepted anyway, it makes men resemble chicken!!

And I like my height, as well, thankyouverymuch Remykins.

The healer in the French Hospital said that I was going to hit 6 feet something...I am going to be taller than Orion! I swear Quidditsh is wonderful! Imagine I would be as skinny as he is! How aggravating that would be!

It is too bad that this height difference doesn't matter though...If the old dumbag says that we'll go to Romania we go; if he says we'll go to France or Italy or Africa we will...in the summer hols I'll be towed to Asia- honestly he and his rotten business. Couldn't he do this shit from home via owl? ...Well, I think he wants to leave - to get away from Walburga, which is understandable but it's his own damn fault for intermarrying his shitty relative and being all pure-blooded in the first way.

Coward.

If I don't pay attention Reg will turn out like him...but than again he struggles to be a good, evil, disgusting Slytherin, doesn't he? Still, our lovely Parents and their friends and protégées aren't paying any attention to him, 'cause he's younger and not as good looking and not as eye-catching as I am.

Spotlight would not suit him anyway.

He is too much of a coward for that, really. If you want people here to listen to you you need to be a sick son of a bitch, confident and manipulative; the way my father is, the way I am.

That is why I can not believe that you trust me that much. One day I'll desert you, or hurt you or something and I'llneverforgivemyselfbutIcannothelpit ...There is nothing good about me, there might have been once, when I was young ...but nah there is no goodness in my family so how am I supposed to inherit any?

Ask Ciaran there really isn't much goodness there to start with.

Aw is ickle Remykins jealous? 'Cause he saw the sex god when he was little? Well, -just so you know- he is scowling right now. 'cause Cia isn't here 'cause he wants to, but 'cause he's working for my family; or rather for me. Every member of the family and especially the heir and future head gets a personal servant.

This can be anything from a whore, to a centaur to...a human being. I know that my family had a werewolf as a servant, once or twice...'cause there is not a single rule that forbids it...but I wanted Ciaran. We were in Ireland, visiting my uncle and I met him...he was sitting in a river of some sort and at first I thought that he was a Ban-sidhe...but he is only part regular Sidhe, but that still makes him an immortal being...Usually it would be considered a royal crime to take him as my servant, but he left the fairy mound and is forbidden to ever go back there.

A tad bit cruel, isn't it?

I bet that my relatives would do the same; leaving them once would be leaving them forever, but I seem to stop seeing it as a real threat.

Ah well, to make a long story short and survivable, she is with me, I don't see her as my servant but she helps me whenever she can.

Sometimes she gets herself into trouble- you can empathise with that, can't you? When she brought you my letter she went against my families order to not have contact with you guys. Especially 'cause Walburga fears that her Friends will get to know that I am a lowly Gryffindor. So no owls...and Selene is still too young, to take such a long distance.

I don't want him to get hurt, or something seeing as he is a present from Andromeda. Andromeda's Owl (Diana) had nestling's and two of these she gave to me. The white one did not fit me so I decided that you could need him. After all...I do need to stay in contact with you...and your owl is going to Perish very soon..if she is even still alive.

The other reason why you can not use her for the mail is the fact that he is not that well trained yet. Usually letters aren't brought to my window 'cause there's a ...charm than enables Wallburga to know about all the letters being send to me via owl. This includes their context as well. So they owls don't come to the house but to a clearing where Cia is collecting the letters and bringing them to me.

Charms should always be done throughout; just because he is not an owl Walburga is rid of the ability to know of my letters. Too stupid that she did not do the charm perfectly. But she was never the brightest crayon in the box, the only reason why people listen and bow to her is that she is starving mad and known for fits of extreme and utter violence.

Madness makes strong, if not the mind than the body, simple as that.

And shut it with the whining about the name or did you simply forget that my entire family is a big fat pun? I am Sirius, the dog star, the fucking brightest star -even when my surname is Black- that exists. My initials are S.O.B (wonder if Orion did this on purpose...)and my star is close to that of the wolf.

My brother is a star as well, one that is found in the constellation of the LION. How can one expect to breed good Slytherin brats when they name their child like that? (Not that I believe that Reg would have fitted in Gryffindor, he is more of an Hufflepuff than anything, and I do not even mean this as an insult).

My Aunt and my father are entire constellations and Bellatrix is a star INSIDE of Orion...really, how sick is this? It makes me think of the most insane sex stuff ever, and that is why- when I ever want to save my role as Hogwarts best-lay- I should not think about this.

SickSickSick.

And Selene is a good name. The goddess of the moon is going to watch over the wolf who is plagued by it.You know that the Moon has two sides; a light and a dark one and you needed to remember that.

Defiantly.

Sirius

This was not the last, not the first and absolutely not the longest letter but Remus did not mind.

He read and thought, felt and answered and this became without any warning a cycle that did not end. One letter followed the other, questions searched for answers and lies were rightened, secrets shared and wounds mended.

Writing with Sirius was, on many obscure levels, like giving something away-something that tasted a lot like fearpainworrieswonder- to get something else, something better in return. Within a few days, weeks, hours that made his day and cradled him at night when he was no more but a love sick fool, Remus had talked more with the black haired boy than he ever had before, and even when Sirius' riddles couldn't truly be solved and even when he refused to let Remus see too much, the sandy haired boy knew that Sirius, his Sirius, the one that worried and looked and hurt and did not grin was true.

He no longer needed to worry that he was infatuated with a young man that he barely know, or that he was smitten with a lie that only he was dense enough to fall for.

Remus looked at the letters sometimes and felt as though he was crying dried blood, for there were tears in his eyes-in his shallow beating heart- but none on his cheeks, it seemed that he was too sad to be happy but to happy to be sad...a situation that left his mind in a hazy mist and his feet uncertain about their destination.

It occurred to him, for the first time, that Sirius had probably wanted it to be this way. The letters -the soiled ink, the dog-eared papers, the aching fingers- gave them the almost lost opportunity to talk with each other openly; because even when Sirius was usually painfully, startlingly frank he would not tell Remus something from which he knew the other would gain any kind of pain.

Even when it meant that they would drift apart; Sirius' way of caring was so absolute that it bordered on obsession and Remus, who had a talent for attracting nasty people and shitty days often found himself starting some kind of war between the silver-eyed boy and another rather random Hogwarts student, without ever intending to.

A simple look, a gesture, anything that was borderline crude towards the sandy-haired boy and Sirius would flip and defend him; not caring that Remus was no pansy, no idiot, that he could, if he only choose so, protect himself and his honour quite well.

Against everything, excluding Sirius Black himself of course.

The letters were painful, were sweet, were bitter, were burning, were killing and resurrecting him and while Remus felt -at times- sick to the core of his stomach while revealing secrets, the letters were necessary. At the beginning he would have liked to not touch the wounds he had acquired during the years...

But, Remus thought and scratched at his eyelids, sometimes a wound needs to be ripped open before it can heal properly...sometimes the edges have to be held apart so that one gets the chance to pick something out of the flesh...something foreign and cruel that would rot in it if it was to stay in there.

And suddenly the lycan raised his tear-shot eyes and looked at the ceiling and realised that loving Sirius was not all that different; he needed to crack the young Black a little and hold him all the more, and maybe he would get the chance to guide Sirius out of his own hell.

Remus looked at his hands, at the way they trembled and let out a tiny, wild growl.

I don't believe this, do I? Since when do I want to change my friend? Since when do I think that I can and should do this? I of all people possible? I can not even change myself, how am I supposed to alter Sirius?!

Frustrated with himself the student closed his eyes and willed himself to calm down, but even when he read, when he ate, when he slept there was a soft whisper that nudged him in his ribs, or in his heart.

Frustrated at this notion, at the wish to shape the other into something sane, something healthy, Remus found himself more often than not sitting under a tree and looking at the stars...at the sky, at the sun.

The day Sirius arrived at Hogwarts Remus did not get to see him in th great hall,

he did not see him in the library either and it was not even the halls were the two friends met...

Actually when Sirius arrived at the front gates Remus was just coming from the grounds, sweaty, hurried and in a sorely bad mood...trying not to scream at those who were so hastily flooding the castle and stepping on his toes while he tried to escape the dinner in the great hall and go and take a shower.

The knowledge that the older boy would arrive made his head hurt and his fingers jittery and he -almost- cursed that he had fallen asleep at the grounds and resembled now nothing more than a strangely clothed scarecrow that had been placed beneath a overly enthusiastic tree that clearly had the urge to drown him in the leaves of the past.

Remus had just managed to reach the seventh floor, had entered the dorm that was still happily deserted when he had invaded the bath and came face to face with something that he would have preferred far away--and still all the closer.

Instead of meeting his black haired friend later in the common room Remus met Sirius in the shower, with the later wearing nothing but water droplets and an open, inviting face with eyes that seemed bottomless with pain.

For a few breaking seconds none said anything and then, as though his hammering heartbeat had tried to crawl out of his throat Remus managed to turn around, trying to leave his crush alone.

before he did something stupidembarassingcaringcherishingloving and could never look at Sirius anymore.

Thinking that maybe it was indeed possible that he did not only crush on the older boy but that he was yearning for him in ways that Remus had preferred to be left alone and away and out of situations like this...and places such as a shower.

"Wait."

Daring not to breath Remus stood still and felt with an insecure and bursting feeling that his skin seemed to rip at the seems and that his palms were bleeding where his nails dug into them and that...

"We need to speak."

he was certainly delusional, Sirius could not have said something entirely clichée, entirely overused, entirely...something so very very dangerous. Remus did not want to speak, did not want to be with his Sirius, did not want the older boy to...

"We do not need to analyse my misplaced feelings for you."

The werewolf said and got the image that there were tears or some other fluid under his skin...something that made the tissue soft and vulnerable; so very much like his splintered heart.

"But I want to. You promised me Eden, and I always want what is laid open for me."

Remus raised his head but kept his golden eyes closed tightly, hoping that Sirius was going to understand that he did not wish to speak with him when he was naked...

There were other things that he did want to do

With Sirius, when he was naked

but he refused to give himself that small piece of heaven, this fragment of hope, this mortal fantasy.

He would not use Sirius as a tainted dream, even when reality seemed to fill his lungs with strychnine. Even when the sole reason he couldn't cry was that he had shed so many tears his eyes were sore and bruised, almost blinded by pain.

He felt too strongly for him and he knew that it was not healthy, not rational, not stable...but how could it be?

The faint rustling of clothing, the smell of lavender and blood told him that Sirius had started to cover himself up and without a word-but a laugh, a bitter and pouting, confused but gentle sound- he reopened his eyes and gazed at the mesmerising boy.

In this moment Remus could simply not understand how anybody could question his feelings for the black haired youth. It seemed to him just as plain as the season

Dark, wild hair that cried water over a pale face that was alive with a dark, uncanny emotion. Silver eyes which were as much darkness as fire, ruby red lips that were laughing when the eyes should weep, high cheekbones and a slender neck set in an arrogant, but also worried pose...

Looking at Sirius was like listening to sad music...the problem was that Remus had not discovered the button labelled "mute" yet and listening to sad music can only so long ho well before it turns one into a mess.

With a soundlessness that did not fit in his all day live the young black walked over to Remus, caught his hand in his bigger one and led the worried werewolf to his bed, not saying anything, barely breathing, but rubbing circles on the place where his thumb met his palm and where his body and thoughts rested unhappily together.

The place where his head met his heart,

where his hopes met death.

"I know you"

One of them said and it did not matter who, it did not matter when, because this was not a mirror they were looking at but a see-through, transparent glass that worked for both of them, always, since forever. They did not see the themselves reflected in each others eyes but the truth behind the lie.

Even tomorrow when the sky would be dark and cut with thunder.

"I got you"

No matter what, not matter when-

"I care for you."

"I cry for you."

the single difference was

"I've fallen for you"

because Sirius could not say, use, pray this. Not in the way that Remus did, not on the way the other deserved it, not in the way that he feared was possible for him when when Remus did not believe himself to be loveable.

"I don't. I don't even want to. I don't know how."

Was Sirius' miserable monologue, that he refused to breath, refused to be free, refused to burn to ashes; even when the lycan seemed to hear it anyway.

In the burning light of the dark era that was their separation Remus looked at his friend, at their entwined fingers and at the blood that was running in their digits, so close but withtout any chance at touching.

Close but distanced, open but different, warm but freezing.

Probably the way we were meant to be.

The grip tightened and Sirius' voice touched his skin

"Whatever you're thinking: Stop it. It's fiddlesticks."

"And you know this because..?"

"Because, dearest Remykins, your face is as easy discernible as an open, bold written book."

"Ah..."

"You've got wrinkles all over your face and you're glaring...and you're biting your tongue...really how obvious can you be?"

"Sirius..."

"Yes?"

_"That_'s fiddlesticks!"

"Is it? Because...right here...there's a major frown."

"But only because you give me an headache."

Sirius dropped his hand, not as though he had burned it but in the way one might drop it when it feels heavy and alien, strange. With an acceleration of his heartbeat Remus' realized that Sirius was paler than the sheets, and that the only colors in his shadowed, sanguine life was the blue of his struggling, aching veins, which, uncaring and indifferent as they were, as nature herself was, carried his crazy blood and contaminated the lean body.

"Sirius"

"Kiddo"

"You're wasting your time, Sirius. Didn't you want to talk to me? I don't hear anything."

"I am...maybe you are deaf, or maybe you don't want to listen."

Remus did not object to this, because when this side of Sirius -haughty, cold, hurt- scared and scarred him the other refused to lie...there were whispers of something in the air, something that crawled and keened, cried and bled.

Something that wasn't love, nor lust but neither hatred nor disgust.

It was a rainbow coloured sunset of a dark harlequin's affection, of something that could maybe be, but really shouldn't.

The lycan looked at Sirius, Sirius gazed at him and the hand that was whiter that the sheets would have clawed at the fabric if the older boy wasn't so well trained in digging emotional graves and oppressing his body language.

"I want to keep you."

Sirius said and nobody said anything anymore.

It wasn't okay and far from perfect but is was as good and as honest as it came.

Slowly Remus crawled in Sirius' bed, muddy and moody and inperfect and human; with a scowl on his face and fingers that were shaking he waited until the other closed the curtains and wound his long arms around him.

It was not a lover's embrace but it was a gift all the same, because in the end, there was nothing that truly separated Sirius and Remus, Black and Lupin, heir and monster, not even the scar tissue that maimed their body's and clenched their souls.

If anything it bound them together in some sort of immortal embrace.

* * *

Wonder if anyone notices which part was written while I was "drunk". It is too bad that you guys live in another country, 'cause else you'd know how fabulous "Drachenblut"(Dragon blood )is. It's some kind of spiced honey wine...and when you let it rest long enough it gets sweet and hot and so very delicious. So delicious in fact that I emptied the bottle even though I did not feel like drinking at all(Fasching has cured me of my drinking habits...QQ...One should never consume large amounts of booze when one's ex is around ... )

This chapter almost killed me- it is not nice to try and write 3 different writing stlyes(my own, Remus', Sirius' )in ...15 different moods -shakes head-. Looking over this piece of...-censor- I must admit that it is obvious that I own an emotional roller coaster. Again -laugh-

**werewolfsfan**: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!! Your review was well thought off and made me go all mush -hugs-. I fear that this chapter is the worst up until now, but I desperately wanted to post it, 'cause else I would have never gotten the courage to do so. I will reread it and give it more structure, but I hope it was acceptable. The kiss scene? To be entirely honest I was sooooo nervous about it. Was sitting in the oprhanage beside my roommate and cursing everything in general.

mimisworld: Sweetheart -luv ya!! You're the best, hope that you're doing fine. Hug Matle, yah?

Queen red Rum: Nope, not over...but I do not believe that you'll still like the story after this chap...-cries-

felena: I honestly hope that you're doing better. I am quite worried actually... And I wish you good luck for your story.

RhiannonVega: Uhum. I know that I do...it is not my native tongue after all. I am to ?? Did you or ff.n cencor? -laughs- I am so glad that you liked the previous chap...even when this one is not going to make you smile.

nelia: -blushes- well...and to think that I was really unhappy about the kissung scene...glad you liked the Kiss. And no it will not stay at one lousy kiss...there will be a lot more...rated m for a reason when I ever dare to continue this story of doom, that is

Yukiko: a way with words? Moi? Somehow I can barely believe this...but I am grinning like a mad...girl now, 'cause this is one hell of a compliment for someone who is not native. Thank you for spending your time on this story, and I am sorry that this chapter sucks

truest-of-true-loversI like your nick, but one day I will break my fingers because of it -grin- And I think your review was beautiful. I wouldn't have dared to believe that there is someone out there who would waste so much time on me and my story. It almost brought me to tears. Beautiful? Honestly? Well...I know Twilight, I also know the english versionwhich is not that easy here, I do not live in an english speaking country after alland I liked that scene as well...but moi wouldn't have thought I could reach such standards. A lot of the things you complimented are things I absoutely believe in. I wanted to see them in other stories but did not find anything that truly reflected my very own thoughtseven when the other authors are so much more talented than me ...and that was why I started writing myself. I think it was a bad decision though, seeing as this chapter is just...garbage.

DaJazzman: I believe her to be a beast of hell -cackles-. And, again, I was very insecure about the Kiss.

Lightenmd: Do you still? Even after this chapter of hell?

Mokubahv: Thank you a lot. I am way too stupid sometimes.

Kate: I could never be angry at you, my dear. You were my first reviwer after all. But we do need to take up yor german lessons again -misses her walking pillow-

Lithien: Say...do you have answers to all my questions?? That ability could come in handy...

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	8. The Last Sun

**Disclaimer**: I am going to wish really hard, stalk Santa Clauss(or Jack, for that matter) and maybe I will have the puppies beneath my tree this year; but even I doubt it so- don't own, don't sue.

**Synopsis**: Sirius ignores Remus after the kiss like the plague and the werewolf finds himself staying at Hogwarts in the winter hols without any of his friends. When it is time to open his presents he finds that has an unexpected visitor- a small boy who claims to be Sirius' servant and protegé for years. He presents the lycan with a letter which is written by Sirius and in which the other voices his displeasure at being such a git and for distancing himself from his friend. Sirius is somewhere in Albany and very unhappy about it and proposes the idea that he and Remus can write each other. The letter also hints that his present from Sirius has a name- Selen- and is something special. Ciaran (the protegé) then shows Remus an owl which he now can consider as his own. However, he can not use this owl to write Sirius, because the letter's mail is usually read by Walburga to make sure that it is proper. Ciaran smuggles letters between the two of them and the werewolf finds himself addressing many things which have plagued his mind. Remus tries to avoid Sirius at his return but manages to run into him(in the shower...Sweet Misery is having fun, I guess), he fears that he might feel more than which is normal for a simple crush. Sirius drags him to his bed and closes the drapes to it; shielding himself and his mate from the world. Their entire situation is obviously troublesome but they have each other and this is as perfect as it can get for them at the moment.

**A/N**: Yes, I am late and trust me- I am incredible sorry for the wait. I can only say that the things I have named in the last (and that are now deleted...I felt horrible having this standing there)chapter were hard to get rid of. I know now, for an instance that you'll be escorted by the police when they put you in the loony bin and should never be honest when asked for your well being -grins lopsidedly- but I am positive now that I will overcome this. I don't know how often I will be able to update, but I will try my hardest that the updates will not take this long; I stick with my egomanic behaviour: the more reviews the better x3

Other reasons for the wait were, that I was not in germany and stayed in prague for some time and that I rewrote the entire first chapter(but the plot stayed the same...I just wanted to make it flow smoother and w/o the enite "would" shixe) and changed and hammered on chapter 2-5. Chapters 6 and 7 are currently cured of their mistakes...there are some minor changes now: one of the smaller ones would be the appearance of each chapter, the biggest should be the synopsis which now stands at the beginning of every chapter; I wish that it will makes things easier to understand.

Also, I wrote another puppy shipping story "Dead is the New Alive", so that took time, too. It was a bit of a waste of time, though, seeing as barely anybody read it. But I enjoyed writing it- so I did.

Your reviews--I don't think that I can ever forget about them. They helped me through some idiotic inner struggle and ...I was, more than once, closer to tears than I would like to accept.

**Thank you all, so damn much.**

PS- it's 4.35, I am -_tired-_

o

Twilight Symphony

Chapter o7: The Last Sun or A crying Sky

o

* * *

The spring of the following year was drawn in strong, beseeching colours.

Winter had, as so many seasons before, left and while there were still solitary tears of snow at times, Remus could see the first hints of green appearing in the graves of yesterday.

Even the sun, which had been nothing more than a glistening sphere in the sky, began to gradually warm up to the newborn world. It was flickering gently in the sky's recesses and wiping away the pasts dust and heartache with gentle licks and heartfelt apologies.

He did not feel cold anymore, the ache in his bones was melting, creating a deep pool in his stomach which portrayed his feelings and cured the thirst which had ripped his throat to pieces. Remus was not entirely happy -who was, honestly?- but he was content and could only barely remember the darkness that had clawed at him in winter.

The lycanthrope remembered winter, remembered the nice things, its beauty, the purity and remembered the dark things, the fears with disturbing, almost fatal clarity. He knew about the chances of not being hurt this year-estimated them, quite frankly to be nil- but he was no longer cold, no longer so very anxious and the nightmares which had robbed him of his sleep had faded with the gray tinged clouds beyond the horizon.

He did not stop to share his bed with Sirius, though.

The act, committed in a desperate attempt to rid them both of their haunting shadows, the cold, had brought them more than the two of them had envisioned beforehand. A single night which had found them both awake and disturbed, looking at each other from their respective beds started to spin a tale which bound their minds in one.

The werewolf was not sure when exactly it happened, but somewhere around January he had been troubled by ghastly images, his dreams had leaked blood and had been drenshed in tears and when he had tried to sit at the fire place to warm himself, Remus had found Sirius sitting there: long arms draped across the back rest, eyes dark and wild with pain. When he had sat down, closer than he normally would have, the tension that had seemed intent on breaking his bones shivered away.

Without ever wanting to, without ever allowing themselves to, both boys had fallen asleep, free of nightmares and pains; the next morning found them sore but well rested.

Afterwards neither of them was keen on sleeping, or hurting alone again; and so they decided to share a bed.

They had found, quietly, privately, their own theriac. Remus had never felt as refreshed in the mornings, as he did now, with Sirius beside him.

It almost became a habit, to crawl at night next to Sirius.

**--**

-

This routine was kept and petted until one night Remus woke up admist darkness and sheets, long limbs and confused feelings and realised that while he had decided to not push Sirius, to wait, to be happy and content with what he had, his body had absolutely refused to listen.

**--**

_ ƒℓashba¢k_

Looking down on his body, that alien corpse which often felt cold but seldom warm, he spotted a tent in the blanket, and a hard-on beneath the heavy fabric. His fingers were shaking, slightly, but maddeningly so, and when the werewolf tried to calm himself, tried to swallow his arousal the body behind his, the one he had lain and slept and dreamt on stirred.

"Rem'...?"

Sirius' voice was sleepy, low and husky, all kinds of dangerous, tempting even and Remus' breath hitched painfully. The sandy haired boy was not entirely sure, but he felt, that he would have moaned, or whined if his throat had not been constricted and blocked by his heart which had bled, quietly, into his lungs.

A single hand, long fingered and eerie white in the mercury coloured moonlight crept across his body, made him close his eyes and wish for sunrise and normality with fervent hope and fear.

He shied away and, tore at the embrace the other boy drowned him in and staggered, dazed, mute and cold, into his own bed. Remus dared, however to risk one last glance back at the other, and found that Sirius' eyes wihich had been warm and caring before had frozen into solid thunderclouds.

He wished that he could tell Sirius why it was so-important to leave his embrace, but found himself tongue tied and ashamed.

The others voice cut through the distance, the cotton and his bones in its gelid strength and anger.

"Sweet dreams, Remykins."

Remus did not dare to sleep in fear that he would have these.

**-- **

-

иext ∂ay

When he had been a child, a smaller one with seeking hands and untamed eyes that had just begun to decipher disgust on other people face's, Remus had wondered what it would be like to be an owl lycanthrope, what it would feel like to have wings and the sky as blanket.

_-even when he had not the slightest desire to fly at all._

The child monster had simply been curious as to what the world would be and look like from the highest point of a tree, or in the darkest light of night. He had wanted to understand, decipher and decode the mysteries of those feathered creatures which, to his untrained gaze, seemed limitless, majestic, natural, and so undeniable alien.

Now, a myriad of destroyed hourglasses later, resting in the owlery and breathing the stale air, Remus found himself puzzled at the same things his younger self had found so strange, bewitching and dazzling.

Birds and freedom and Creatures that could depart from the ground but not from the sadness that shimmered in their eyes.

The lycanthrope feared, that he would never understand, that the desire to be something else would forever stay with him through every day and breath; he was worried that he would forever yearn for things beyond his grasp, things like the sky, owls and--

_-stars, lights in the sky and things in general which resemble Sirius, things which make my heart hurt, weep and rejoice at the same time, with a single breath, with the same ..feeling_

Remus wanted to close his eyes, to forget about his thoughts, his developing, maddening feelings, wanted to hide from the world -he would have preferred for the world to hide from him, but he was still lucid enough to know how ludicrous this notion was- but he was aware of the fact, that -even with his lack of sleep-there was no way he could find rest now.

Not when the only lullaby he had, the one he could afford was Sirius' voice. A voice which he had shoved away and ignored, feared when he should have treasured it, or at least given it an explanation as to why he had scrambled out of Sirius' bed as though the other had disgusted him.

There was a soft crooning, a flutter of something and Selene landed, gracefully, on his shoulder.

Remus laughed,touched her feathers and felt, dimly that he was close to crying. Certainly, Selene was wonderful, she was a cherished, amazing, thoughtful present but also...the polar opposite, in appearance, to the person he wanted to be with.

_-Not just now, though- I want to be with him whenever, wherever it is possible...and that is just another problem which neither he nor I should have_

He gazed at the owl, thought about Sirius-- Sirius who, with his black hair and light eyes sometimes looked a tad bit inhuman could he, of all people, say that? , and more than a tad bit breath and mind taking-, and shattered a little more.

The boy wanted to be with the other, wanted to have him, yearned to belong to, with, around him...but he knew that he would be the other's doom, his falling grace. Sirius might be content with sharing a few kisses a notion he was not even sure of, seeing as there had been So many dreams, but only one Reality, and thus only one Kiss and his time, but Remus was grasping for -much, much - more.

The worrisome thing was, that he appeared to be incabable of controlling this searching, the hunger or himself, the worrisome thing was, that he knew he was wrong, that touching the other was wrong on so many levels, and still could not stop --

because, however he was loath to admit it, how much the fact hurt and frightened him, it was not only himself that was aching for the black haired youth, the other part in him was yearning as well. And Remus knew, and Remus feared, that the mounting desire, the growing pain, the lust would lead to disaster-

And that was something that was not only dangerous, but also something that he could not forgive himself for.

The only thing that was left for him was to stay away, barricade himself until the storm inside his body had withered away-

Remus laughed, again- just the slightest bit maniacally and one could almost hear how his heart bouced against his throat until it fell to the very tips of his toes.

_-I spent months trying to get Sirius to open up to me, spend weeks waiting for him and now it is I who avoids him …wonderful Lupin, that is going to top even Peter's stupidity…And to make things better I am becomming mean as well…wouldn't James be proud of me now?!_

Remus sighed, pocketet his semi laughter, fought against his madness and knew that he would have reached out and tried to destroy his surroundings -tried to make them resemble himself just a little bit more- if he had not been so very tired, so emotionally exhausted, so_ --empty._

_T_he werewolf knew, that he would have loved to try and break, try and maim and bend things out of proportion so that he would not have to feel so strange, so awkward, so alone anymore. He figured that it would not matter if he was strange and messed up and oh Merlin hurting if the things surrounding him were tattered as well.

He took a deep breath, smelled the world, inhaled it, drew it against his lungs, pinned it unsmilingly against his clenching heart and realised only in some terribly detached way that his control was slipping further, even now, when Sirius was not around. He noticed, that

--the owls were becoming increasingly restless

-his head appeared to be frying to ashes

-the beast inside of him was becoming louder, more violent.

Remus looked at his hand, the hand that had so longed to reach out for Sirius, and saw it trembling. The nails seemed long –too long for a boy and too short for a girl- and his fingers were bent in a way that looked painful but was not.

A way that might have hurt if the lycan had not a crying heart and a bloody sould to suffer from, a way that would have hurt him, if he would not have been a monster.

Remus carefully turned his hands, bared his pale wrists and saw how the blue of his veins pressed against his thin skin, how the pulse of his blood made his muscles twitch in anticipation.

How his life was almost lost, taken over by the monster that resided inside of him; the monster that haunted his body, carved it out until it was in the inside of his insides and laughed at him from his very own heart. Feelings which he had considered as- wrong, perverse, but honest- weakened his resolve and allowed the wolf to claw at its cage, at Remus himself.

_-Loony Lupin, have you forgotten that you are never alone? Never human? Not even when you're in love and pain?_

_In the shadows of his thoughts he could see untamed golden eyes and white canines that bared itself into some abstract grin. _

_He realised that the wolf was mocking him...that the thing was angered, restless and hurried and, and then..._

_The world turned and blackened into friendly nothingness._

-

-

a feω høuяs ℓateя

"Admit it, Lupin, you did want to scare me to death,"

Remus raised his head, opened his eyes, or rather tore his lids with a disgruntled noise apart and looked in the absinth green eyes of one disgruntled Lilian Evans.

"Not that I'd know of.."

He croaked, shut hurriedly his mouth and tried, without much success as it seemed, to get a grip of his heart, that seemed disturbingly content with jumping from his chest and dancing through the room.

_-And where to? To Sirius? I wonder how he'd react "Remus' heart! Fancy meeting you here-! Did you decide to make a diet or where did you leave the rest of you? What? It sleeps? Geez, Remykinds is already going into hibernation?? How disconcerting_

Cool afternoon sun pooled into the room and blankened his body; even it is dimnished state the light was warmer, far more gentler than the white cotton of the bed sheets.

He was pretty certain that this assessment had nothing to do with his hidden, inner bruises, though.

"Then tell me Remus, how comes that I had the -more than questionable- honour of finding you like this?"

Lily gestured at him, but the werewolf did not know what she truly meant; it could be that Lily had found him in the owlery, it could have been that she had heard that he had ended up in the hospital wing again, but it could also mean that she was talking about

Something else

"Maybe you've got a bad Karma?"

The red head quirked an eyebrow, crossed her slender legs and presented Remus with a gaze that was all smoke and ashes and absolutely no bonfire.

"Only where it concerns certain black haired idiots and their horrid timing...-Remus, please, don't make me regret befriending you; I already regret not hexing Black into next october."

"Forgive me, Lily, I am not myself currently."

It was startling, horrifying actually, how close that little new born sentence came to the truth.

"Yes, I can see that, but you know that a second Sirius Black would be aggravating the nerves out of me"

"It would also turn me into a narcist, don't you agree?"

"Most assuredly it would; Black is after all one himself and Copies can, as sad as it is, rarely surpass the original"

An image of Regulus, the smaller, viler, cuter brother came to his mind and wrapped itself around his thoughts for the fragment of time, before it wavered and disappeared into thin, stinking air that id not want to let him forget the fact that there was an important, cling,y intrusive person banished from Sirius life.

"I believe that Sirius already has someone who's trying to grow up in his shadow, so that makes me useless-"

"as a copies, yes; but it also makes you helpful- I do not think that there are anywhere near enough mirrors in our tower for two Blacks."

Remus laughed and consequentaly tired.

"Say Lily, what is happening to me?"

"You're going to sleep."

"Why?"

**"**because you're tired, and in love, that's why."

"And what will happen after that-?"

"You'll awaken and greet the world."

"And then?"

"You'll make Black realise that there is somebody he should love more than himself and his own reflection."

Remus nodded, felt how his blood stilled and warmed and could only watch as one of his memories whispered in his eyes, making him see Sirius, standing in front of an mirror and

_punching it into an shower of glass and shooting stars-_

He was sure that there were numerous things Sirius liked more than his own inbreed visage

Remus simply did not know if he still belonged to them

Hours passed by and Remus awoke from his dreams only to fall asleep shortly after.

Madame Pomfrey, the not-so hellish beast of hell, gave him potions and bestowed him with worried glances; the lycanthrope was not sick, not physically at least, but he was drained and could, at times, for the life of him not make himself move.

So he stayed at the infirmary wing, thin, pale and troubled, and hid himself away. He knew that this option had a time limit, but for now he was content with staying away from Sirius, pushing his heart and his monster away from the black haired boy.

It was in the middle of the second day when the child closed his eyes and watched himself as he sunk into sleep once more.

This slumber proved to be a dark one, bordering percarioulsy on the razor edge of unconsciousness; but even the stillness, the semi-death which had crept upon him and the room could not help Remus to escape from himself.

He sighed, haunted even in his dreams and lay tense on the atress, feeling as though his lungs were stigmatised by numerous white burning needles.

A part of him waited for Sirius to wander in this room, waited for him to be, once again, entangled in the world of red garn which built his life, while the rest of him knew, that his friend was too stoic to partake in such activities, such gelid fairy tales.

_-Too stoic, too wary, too shunned. --A boy who grows up in the wrong place, the wrong house, with the wrong people. He will rather drown himself than risk .. A fairy tale which will repeat itself all over-_

Remus felt a breeze and the wind from the opened window brought with it the feel of the curtains as tzhey grazed his cheek and a scream that easily broke into laughter.

The first voice- male, young, terribly high pitched- was soon joined by others -so_unds like the at least half of the Gryffindors are there_- and undertook a metamorphosis which changed the usually pleasant sound into a disastrous noise of mirth.

Someone yelled for James, another screamed for Sirius and the group which seemed to be loitering outside, at the very side of the castle where the infirmary was located went completely wild.

He was all to aware of the fact that his friends had, for the umpteenth time, created mischief.

Remus found himself even in his dreamless, restless observant sleep assailed by the question as to how long it would take for Professor MacGonagall to quiet them down -for the moment- and as to what prank it was that saturated the air with all this laughter.

He thought about Sirius, listened to the signs of wonderful havoc wrecking and fell prey to the darkness which had been lurking at the corner of his eyes so persistently.

Remus dreamt about a distant sounding laughter - a single one- whose echo shivered in his chest and crawled through his veins, making itself at home within him.

-

-

When Remus enteréd the dorm later that week, he had to face Sirius and with him eyes which had shadows in their mercury abysses' and lips which seemed to have forgotten how to form gentle and loving things (smiles, hopes, dreams) and were red and bee stung from teeth gnawing at them.

For once it was not the mad need to claim, to have, to own, to be possessive which forced the werewolf to swallow hard, instead of all the familiar emotions, it was the vile combination of guilt, horror and worry which stole his breath away.

There was also, in some corner of his disagreeable mind, anger, but the lycan thought it wise to keep it locked away -somewhere close to all the feelings starting with a "l"- and hoped to be able to resolve it when the wolf would leave him alone.

If such a time ever comes, of course

Sirius, sitting on his bed ruling the very air about him, was quick to bind Remus with his eyes; the other's attention and interest felt like a dead weight, a heavy stocked corpse which was pulling him down and in.

in towards the black haired youth and all the dillema any kind of relationship could bring.

The first moments of silence, the moments where Remus was still too uneasy to look at Sirius were sickening, disconcerting but almost entirely usefully.

If only to fool Remus into believing that everything was already alright and setteld, and that the hot, bubbly feeling inside of him was only indignation.

_-and not something far more disastrous._

This illusion survived for two, maybe four heartbeats until Remus allowed himself to be honest, until the other boy opened his mouth and both of their eyes, unwillingly. Stubbornly.

"I thought that it was my job to end up in the hospital wing."

"Well, I did not _-plan_- to take it from you in the first place; believe me, I'll gladly bestow that so called profession upon you again."

"Now, that really wouldn't do any good, now would it? I mean, the evil beast of hell -you can say whatever you want, that woman is indefinitely one charming little monster- would surely prefer your sweet face to greet her, than mine own; now you might wonder how that can be?

"A creature of this planet, a lowly mortal, who is not willing to sacrifice her all to lay her eyes upon this goodlooking bloke? You must think, Mister Lupin, that I have to be mistaken, however I can assure you that I am not! That Odd Beast of Hell, or _OBaH_ as I tend to call her, turns, whenever she sees me purple. That evil OBaH might be persuaded to let rationality, or common sense control her and see my wonderful self for what it is in time, but I can not dare to do try to persuade her too long or too frequently, because _OBaH_ has this rather impractical tendency to try to strangle me, and we can not have that, can we?"

"What exactly are you talking about, Sirius? What can we not have? Madame Pomfrey turning -rather astoundingly, I must say- purple, or her trying to -understandingly- strangle you? You have to admit that the latter is not something that only she yearns to do..."

"Oh, indeed, I do believe, that there is some list or the like...and on that elusive, exclusive list stands -for an instance- every Slytherin, and I believe, everyone of the -oh so- poor souls who were unfortunate, or stupid enough to grab one of the books in the library that Jamie boy and myself charmed so that they may scream when opened--"

"...and the Quidditsch players who you usually attack with that insane BLudgers of yours would certainly rejoice at such a chance as well--"

"-I do -not- attack those idiots with them, and take, for your notification, offence at this claim of yours; those -bludgers- are blood-thirsty enough as it is and therefore attack on their own; I only -hinder- them when it comes to attacking our very own team --can't have Jamies' glasses getting anymore damaged, can we? Evans hexed them that bloody often that I do wonder if they have the slightest chance of being saved of the fate of being permanentaly crooked-"

"No, not the slightest. I saw James trying...and failing to straighten them. He has to replace them in the summer..."

_**"..**_.tsss, he will act as though he has rightened them himself, prohibition or not. He sure is an great oaf! An great oaf who -by the way- was always better at transfig and sucked tremendously at charms...well, at least, he can transform his unshapely glasses into some inane present for Evans...let's hope, that he will not try to charm her with anything living ever again...the violet pig that was singing "music of the flight" was disastrous enough, wasn't it?"

"And here I came to believe that you enjoyed that spectacle.."

"No; that pig had as much understanding of music as Jamie-boy has...and we all know that he has not even a modicum...I merely, and utterly, and anyhow and anyway enjoyed the colour Lily hexed his hair...horizont green really suits him just fine; puts an emphasis on his green...socks and all that."

A smile crawled along the corner of Remus' mouth, but his eyes, those miniature moons continued to gaze worriedly at the young heir.

He shook his head, and his heart and wondered if Sirius heard it rattling in his chest.

The light haired boy lead them back to the original topic, or rather the original digression, and tried, hopelessly, to distract himself from the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"The owner of Flourish and Blotts would like a go at you, too, and would therefore have to be noted on that...exclusive list as well. Since you managed to order the books on invisibility, the series on weighting things down and the book on havoc wrecking all at once, their book shelves have turned into invisible, heavy, and spell resistant jelly."

_"Hn-- that guy who sells the animals in the magical managerie would like to off me, as well. For some reason or anothner he came home one morning to find that his entire cages were missing and his animals were a lovely shade of turquoise...or some other colour like that, which I certainly have no way of knowing about."_

_"However did the guy-who-is-certainly-not-you-seeing-as-you-are-oh-so-innocent- manage to do that? The last time that I saw those cages they had heavy wards and quite a few magical bars to keep the animals were they belong"_

_"Were they supposedly belong you mean, seeing as I can not fathom how it can be their job to sit behind bars and be stared at..."_

Sirius made a disapproving noise at the back of his throat, something that sounded only the slightest bit human and far more- canine, far more bewitching than anything else. The sound which had made something in Remus' veins boil seemed to startle even the other youth and the lycanthope could almost watch as Sirius honest anger was replaced by a cool and controlled facade.

When the other boy opened his mouth the next time there was a grin on his lips and a warning in the hard lines of his jaw.

"anyway, Remykins, if you want some highly dangerous information you should consider the consequences"

"Which would be?"

"However should I know? After all, I am not the one who managed to liberate those creatures of their ratty cages and saved them from becoming pets of some idiotic, senile witch"

Remus clenched his fists, shifted, awkwardly from one foot to the other and wondered if he was to view the last answer as some kind of invitation. He was only mildly curious about the cages- he knew what Sirius was capable of, once he set his mind to something- but that noise had the hairs on his neck standing up and he would have loved to know where the black haired youth had learned to...growl? like that.

The raw shadows however, which were dancing through those mercury eyes like a widow's black veils made him hesistate. Consequences would await him, Sirus had said...Remus doubted that he could bear them now, when his own heart seemed to work against him.

He lowered his eyes and wished the blush on his cheeks to hell, while he, once again, forced both Sirius and himself to follow their original conversation, even when he knew that it would leave him halfway unsatisfied and shivering.

"What does Ollivander think about you? He does not wish to, as you so eloquently out it"Off you", does he?He praises himself for liking the difficult cases, after all."

"Dunno, I do not think that he would like to maim me...but I can not imagine that he would remember me."

"Are you joking, Black? You know that he remembers every wand that he ever sold, and seeing as yours is not an ordinary one, I can not fathom how you could have slipped his memory. He could recall my father's, my mothers and my brother's wand in an instant...and you are not the type to be easily forgotten; even when one might want to erase you from his or her existence."

"Why ever should one wish to forget splendid, handsome me? Unless of course, you are one of the residental ghost-- I do believe that most of those fellows would like to see me dead and gone, erased from their immortal memory; they certainly can not stand me. Bloody transparent napkins treat me as though I carry some evolved kind of plague or something."

"No, but a wand with which you hexed them a couple of times. And the bloody baron likes you."

"_Sweet_, that's just what a girl needs to hear, you see."

"So you're an girl, aren't you? I knew that the long hair was not just for effect-"

"Thanks for the flowers, but it is not my fault if I am far more breathtaking than most of the female popluation."

"Breathaking as in sufficating, huh?

Sirius laughed, drew those millions of glass shards out of his lungs and spun them together in one formidable half lie, while he placed his elbows on his knees , his chin in his hands (Remus' heart in his bloodied mouth) and gazed at the ground.

When he spoke around, when he tried to talk around the gravel and the ashes, the corpses lying on his tongue, his voice lacked it's smooth, lilting notes and became something close to a nocturne, something that sounded as though he had lost all his tears--

Or maybe sold them to the monster lurking under his bed.

"And you, Remus? "

"--what?"

"Do you want me dead? Want me gone?"

"Fiddlesticks, Sirius. Why should I? You may drive me nuts at times and you have an annoying way of playing chess, but these are not reasons for wishing you evil."

"You were avoiding me."

Remus sighed, and his heart, the tiny thing which seemed to be aflame once again, shivered madly in his ribcage.

With weakened knees, tears which had wandered to his toes, turned them cold and indigo, tears which filled his body and drowned his soul, he kneeled on the bed, beside the black haired youth, kneeled there on the unsteady ground with hands that were trembling -and lips and hopes that where violently colliding inside his throat and making it oh so hard to breathe, oh so painful to not cry- Remus caught one of Sirius' errand hair strands and tucked it, lovingly, behind the ear of his .dream.

A smile walked over his face, crushed it under its weight and Remus averted his eyes from the white visage of Sirius. He could, however, still see the other, for it was as though his heart was yearning so very much for the older boy that it did not allow him to completely turn away...the corner of his eye was filled with shadows and eyes which shamed the stars. With Lips that were a poisonous apple red and shoulders that refused to sack under their burdens.

_-Oh, Sirius, I like you so very much. I need you. I...you allow me to smile, even when ...I like you, plea**se...just**_

There was a hand, a sign of hope and strength and it caught his arm -or maybe his being, surely his heart- and drew Remus against, almost inside of Sirius. The werewolf blinked, once twice and then there were lips traing his temples, lips that were trembling softly and burning words and promises, futures into his scarred skin.

Remus listened to those vocal tattoos, not sure that he could understand what Sirius was saying, not sure that Sirius was even speaking English and when the younger boy thought that his heart would burst at it seems, the lips touched his throat and stole his pulse.

He breathed the others name, said it as though it was an oath and felt, with insides that were quivering and thoughts which were tumbling together and burning brightly, how the other youth tucked his shirt out of his pants and allowed his hands to wander beneath the distancing fabric.

For a moment, the time he needded to refill his quill, the time needded to utter a single word, a spell, the lycanthrope was not sure if he was crying or laughing, but when he focused his eyes, fought against the shiver that was wrecking his form, he realized, that both options were right, that nothing was wrong, no matter how unlikely that seemed, because there were tears at the edge of his vision, tears balancing on the edge of his throat and a smile bending his mouth, forming his heart into a gentle, healing mass of flesh and dreams.

Sirius parted his lips from his throat, leaned back -but clawed softly, soothingly at Remus' back- and gazed at his werwolf, at the truth that hid behind all those layers of old and worn clothing and tread bare smiles. There was a twitch, a motion more invisible than those of an firefly and Sirius was trying to smile himself, trying to open his being, trying to be just a bit closer to Remus...

"You can touch me, you know..I do not plan on vanishing anytime soon...unless, of course, Mister Lupin plans on biting my head of..."

The veil that had robbed Remus his sight, that had filled him with dread and insecurity lifted, softly, slowly and allowed the boy to see once more.

Behind the roguish grin that was being drawn on Sirius' face he could fathom teeth that were gnawing at the inside of the others cheeks

Behind hair that was falling messily, but enchantingly into the pale face, he recognized nail scratches, white and crimson tracks which weren't made by some girl but by a boy who had, while the monster had been gone and hidden in the dark white recesses of the infirmary, clawed at his skull, trying to find a solution to brighten things up, to make him, the beast, happy and safe

Behind the alabster skin and stubborn posture, he could detect, not with ease, but with adoration, muscles that were cramping in fright and worry

and Remus knew, that behind the brave front Sirius created there was someone trying to truly cherish him. Raising his hands and leaning and trusting and feeling the body of the other Remus dared to trace Sirius cheek with the point of a finger, then with another, and when Sirius did nothing but smile wider at him, happier, the werewolf allowed himself to let his hands fall around the others throat and bind himself to the black haired youth.

hopefully, for eternity

This almost embrace felt desperate but also incredible honest and that was all that mattered, at least for the moment, at least for them.

Laughing throatily, honestly, Sirius bend his head and kissed his throat again, And again, placed those lasting, immortal kisses along his skin until Remus felt his fingers prickle and his heart rate accelerate even more.

Sirius' hands started a maddening path along his back, one hand tracing his bones, his ribs, with such softness that it was almost tickling him. The sensation-hot, neady, new- was making his body ache and push forward into the touch, while the other hand was following the lines of his hipbones.

There were fingertips crawling beneath his pants for seconds, just so that they could resurface and touch another place, another scar on his body and soothe it.

Remus knew that he was making some disturbing, insane noises at the back of his throat, knew that his eyes were becoming keener, more untamed and knew, that Sirius felt all of that as well-

_An_d yet, the other did not stop. With a force and strength of will that startled himself, the sandy haired boy dug his fingers in Sirius' neck, and pulled himself away, shivering immediately from the loss of heat. The loss of, for him, everything.

The other did not raise his head immediately, instead he waited and looked elsewhere for a moment or two; when those eyes traveled, finally, to his own, when they caught them, they were liquid mercury and making his legs, and his thoughts tremble--his throat ache. Remus felt foolish -and very much like a girl- because of the strength of his reactions. Felt disgusted -and disgusting- because of the wolf, the beast he could hear almost purring inside his body...

However, the moment where Remus tried to distance himself from the other,

there were snow white arms which went around his smaller frame and pulled him beneath Sirius on the mattress. His legs were nudged apart and a leg came to rest between them and pressed, with unnerving stubbornity against his groin. Remus clenched his eyes shut, opened his mouth which had, until that moment, felt as though it was artificial and useless, felt as though it was filled with multicoloured cotton balls of various sizes, and uttered a moan that was answered with a gentle, hushing sound.

If it had been in his possibilities, Remus would have glared at Sirius for that noise, but his eyes were rolling back and his body felt as though it was collapsing and rebuilding itself and the knowledge that he had never been this close to anybody, had never touched anybody like this - that it was bloody Sirius Black - who provoked these caresses and made him feel immortal and right and pure- kept his comment, his pride buried inside his falling thoughts.

Suddenly, at least it did feel for him quiet suddenly, it was not only the wolf who was trying to be closer to Sirius but himself as well. Sitting in the others lap. touching him from his toes, which kept moving restlessly, over his hips and to his collar bone made him dizzy and aroused and with another helpless moan he sewed their lips together in a kiss that he had all but dreamed of in the years of his unrequited love.

Remus found himself murmuring Sirius' name as soon as the others fingers crawled across his abdomen and towards his navel, and his hips bucked, softly, before he could bind them to his heavy heart which lay somewhere benath the bed.

Beating away his nightmares

He was still kissing Sirius, or at least he thought he was -with his head spinning the way it was he could not be too sure- when the button of his trousers were conquered and those long fingers teased the fine hairs it found peeking above his waist band.

"This will bring you a bit closer to death, you know-"

The other murmured and while the lycan could not totally decipher his words, he thought that whatever it was that Sirius had said was right, that it had to be right, because- there still was not anything that could be wrong.

Especially not something that was uttered in this euphonic, completely mind thieving, controlled voice.

The wolf reared his head for a moment, made Remus remember that he was indeed not alone inside his body, but then there were Sirius' lips and his fingers and the latter had just found him inside his shorts and it was all that the prefect could do to keep from .loving

The older boy mumbled something, drew his hand away, allowed it for a moment to wander beneath his pillow, which lay, half forgotten, behind the werwolf. When the hand emerged it was playing with a small bottle of lotion, and after Sirius had raised his chin and made them lock gazes, feelings, he bathed his digits in it. It appeared as though he was daring Remus, testing and teasing him. The sandy haired boy whimpered and dug his fingers in the other's skin, trying to draw him closer. Trying to be not so shamefully passive.

The voice the black haired youth used was deep, calm, but strangely frenzied:

"Calm, Rem' or you'll be so tense that it will do more damage than good."

he shook his head, tried to regain his abilty to breath, common sense had most likely taken a permanent vacation with his logic as hostage, and concentrated on the way Sirius' chest felt against the short expanses of his own bare flesh that lay exposed but not vulnerable.

It felt almost odd to wear his uniform in this moment, even when it was rumbled and the shirt partly opened. Remus had, for a moment averted his heated gaze, to look at his clothes, when Sirius decided to steal his thoughts again.

The hand began the journey once more, stayed gentle and tempting but too real to be an illusion and when Sirius' fingers touched, almost accidentally, his testicles, Remus saw white and black and stars and died for a moment that seemed to be longer than any dream he had had until now.

It took a moment, but when Remus found his life again- his thoughts- he forced his hands to slide into Sirius' hair, and leveled himself up until he could draw the kisses against the others jaw, his neck, his shoulder which had been smoldering inside of him.

The other boy did not mive, the hand inside his pants remeined still, waiting, but Remus did not stop, did not dare to allow himself a second to think; the muscles benath his lips were tense and spoke the truths and secrets Sirius had wanted to be buried.

Secrets which he now had to share, because Remus was hell bent on stripping the other of more than simple clothing

His lips traced Sirius' ear -does he even like this?, nipped at the pale earlobe -maybe I shouldn't do this, and by the time he found the painful sounding pulse, which was lurking unhappily beneath Sirius' ear, he found himself wonderung if, maybe, all of Sirius' hidden things were hiding there.

With a sudden move the hand started to move again and encircled him, black washed in front of Remus eyes and he had to drop his head against the taller boy's shoulder, half swallowing a groan.

The skin he could not kiss anymore in fear of losing his senses stretched away from him and while Remus was watching the throat from the corner of his eyes, tracing the stochatic pulse with maddening hunger, when he felt Sirius' breath through his shirt.

There was a sigh- half annoyed, half amused and before Remus had time to utter another moan, or to rock once more into the other's hands, teatch found his collar and gave a sharp tug, dragged the right side of it off his shoulder.

Remus shivvered, keened and moved his head restlessly. He could not decide wha to concentrate upon; the heat which was slamming into him whenever Sirius' fingers squeezed, or the cold which was, so cruelly, eating away at his exposed and uncared for skin.

He did not know what, but Remus must have done or said something about his dilemma because his shoulder was soon blanketed in scalding kisses. Sirius drew his teeth across his skin, up to his throat and Remus discovered that a single kiss there made him throw his head back and moan intangible things.

The older boy laughed, oddly happy about this, and sugarcoated the shell of his ear with licks and kisses until Remus' cock gave a dangerous twitch. A sudden move, a finger stroking along his glance and the werewolf knocked his head accidentally against the others jaw, making him constrict the cage around him even more.

He was going to come, Remus felt it--it was so good, so close but-

He was leaking, coating the hand in something sticky, something heavier that the oil and his breath became that much more loud. Remus wriggled, torn between crawling inside of Sirius- and stayionh there- and moving away.

He heard something then, with his forehead pressing against the whote skin. A soft sound, highly different than the wet noises the hand was making around his cock, and decided to follow its silver thread.

Sirius was humming, creating a broken lullaby which was holding him in place, shackling him and the lycan forgot to feel awkward or embarrassed.

He began to slide his hand in earnest, sped the movement up and Remus was sure that the song had not ended, but he pulsed and came

-

**-**

The next thing he became aware of, was Sirius, bent gracefully over him and cleaning his stomach with focuses, light grey eyes.

The sandy haired boy followed his movements with half lidded eyes, swinging between sleep and nervous awareness; his skin tingled, something in his head buzzed and when their eyes locked he could feel his muscles constricting

Strangely, he did not feel tense or guilt ridden, instead he could almost envision that his muscles had turned to liquid as soft as they were. The cotton beneath his skin felt pleasantly warm and clean and remus pressed himself closer to it, enjoying the feel and texture with joyous glee and a barely audible mumble.

Sirius sighed, blinked his eyes and rested his now clean hand on the younger boy's chest. The snow white skin stretched across Remus' heart like a cloud over the sinking, wildly coloured sun. It was maddening to envision, that said hand had, until a moment ago, touched him there and brought him to completion

Silver eyes travelled over his face, his neck, his everything and came to rest on his own hand, which was stroking indecept patterns into the werewolf's skin. Pressing a kiss to the place where Remus' heart was supposedly clattering against his ribs, Sirius rested his cheek beside his fingers and found his voice

"I- That is _mine_, yes?"

_Robbed of words, of air, of almost anything but the perfect moment that lay spread out before and around him, Remus could only nod and hope, that Sirius would be gentle with it._

He had, after all, only this one piece of flesh that could make him fall skyward.

_The lycanthrope felt those long, jet black lashes shiver across his chest, knew that Sirius had closed, for once, his eyes and allowed himself a gentle if somewhat shaky smile. He was sure that right now, in this moment and the ones following its burning silver track, he would not be able to stand or walk, he knew, that his blood was rushing wildly, almost violently through his body and that his heartbeat, a sound as loud as a wailing church bell could be easily detected by Sirius..._

_and yet I feel not embarrassed. Even with all the things that happened...I feel perfectly at ease with him...as though I am wrapped in him and his glow_

_The boy felt, with great wonder, for once, as though the scars on his skin had faded._

_There was another sound beside his heartbeat, words which were crawling between himself and the black haired youth; they cut in the most benevolent way across the room and before Remus was able to free his hands and mind of the other, before he could even move a limb, Sirius allowed himself to fall backwards and slightly away from him._

_He felt cold in the very instance their flesh parted, and hung on to the others nocturnal voice with great greed and, most of all, determined devotion._

_"With that, I think, things will be good."_

_A single sentence, a rosary of words and it was, once again, obvious how different James and Sirius could be, because Remus had heard, in the heavy but sweet shadow of this declaration an uncertainty, a kindness that the brown haired boy lacked as of yet._

Sirius was, for minutes now, almost absentmindedly, running his fingers through his hair and stealing the werewolfs calm, his chance at sleep. Forcing his eyes open, the younger whispered, semi-annoyed:

"What are you looking for?"

"Something. Anything."

"-how eloquent, Mister Black, I must admit I am astounded."

"Not everyone possesses your obsession with words, and even less people think that the Afterglow should be wasted with them."

For a fragment of a moment there was silence, red cheeks and Remus who was trying to refrain from frying into ash, then, a heartbeat later, he set his jaw and glared softly at the other boy

"If you're searching for fleas you can stop."

"hn..."

"I had my flea check last month."

"Hm..."

He caught Sirius' hand in his own, wove his fingers around the others wrist and held it captive; the bones under his hand were shifting restlessly, and the skin was cold, but soft, a lot like marble, a bit bewitching, definitely heartbreaking. Remus feared for a moment that he could crush this hand, this wonder that had, just a small eternity ago stripped him of his pain...

-_I wonder if my heart feels like this?This soft? This vulernable? This-_

He forced himself to say something, anything that would lead away from the shivering mass behind his ribcage:

"Cat got your tongue?"

Sirius huffed, changed their positions with an agile and unimpressed flick of his wrist -he had forgotten that he had grabbed the others wand hand- and interlaced their frigid fingers into one mess of gelid digits

-made it so that they were doomed to face any sort of destruction together. For Remus it felt as though the other boy had righted something, made it obvious...manifested the notion of safe, secure itself.

"No, Mc Gonagall didn't like it that much."

The lycanthrope almost chocked on his laughter, glanced at his ankles and mumbled, softly:

"You're a right arse, you know that-?!"

"Why aren't you going back to sleep, grumpy head? I though that was what your furrball-ness had in mind when you flailed your arms and started to be all hedgehog like after your orgasm threw you off your socks"

"..."

"Well, look at this, if I follow the words of a dear and wise fellow of mine, than there was a cat who got your tongue, hm? A tongue collecting cat...I bet that Fungues could find an omen in that, something about a megalomanic mad man trying to win over the world or something...or a fur ball that growls and forgets that he wanted to sleep, and is now content with using his friend as bone substituion and gnaws at him, even when said friend-"

"-For you information, Black, I did plan to sleep, but it proves to be a very difficult task, seeing as youre continuing to mess up my hair."

_-my thoughts, my life?_

"-huh?!""

Tearing his eyes from the shadows which were creeping beneath his foot, Remus caught a startled, unguarded expression on the others face. The hand that had been racking through his hair was raised -with his own- and being examined.

didn't he notice what he was doing...?

He blinked, lazily, wondered at the world, when he opened his eyes he saw how a slow smile, not a grin, no lie, was born on Sirius' face and how it undertook a pilgrimage across his stunning features.

The smile was warming his own heart, soothing the cries inside his body and while Remus struggled with his feelings, with being attracted to a star, the smile turned mischievous and wild, daring even.

The werwolf wanted to growl. Felt like it too, but Sirius turned their hands, and the wolrd upside down and kissed the back of his hand, lovingly.

"What an insolent fool I am! You should have told me that there was something to mess up, because I was cleraly to blind to see that!"

He would have found a reply, would have most likely glared narrow eyed death at the other, if he had not noticed that Sirius' eyes were unfocused and fixated at the red bed curtains-

As though transfixed by them.

The older boy usually did not let his guard down, did not allow his expression to potray his thoughts and tried, constantly, to mask any and all tenderness; for Sirius to be this open, to show, clearly, that he was thinking about something --it was a rare and heavy occurrence.

He understood then, that whatever it was that had Sirius this...off, this open

was something sweet and strong and concerning him, concerning, maybe- affection?attraction? A future?

The lycan pulled his arm back, Sirius' own along with it, and laid it to rest across his chest. So that at least his heart would be blanketed and safe from all the evils that could befall young love.

The blackness of true sleep seeped into his lungs and glued his eyes shut; Sirius watched over him sleep for a few hours, for a thousand thoughts, for a multitude of notions and followed him then, resting bones and curing aches which only the lycan would understand-

would, in time, come to love as a part of him

-

-

a feω høuяs ℓateя

Remus awoke and found himself and Sirius- tumbling, falling

out of their bed

their dreams

the darkness which stalked sleep

falling and even though he knew the distance to the ground to be short, to be, in all honesty not more than a rusty joke, Remus could not help but feel as though his heart was pounding madly in his throat and stealing his breath-

because they were falling and while he knew the ground to be not too hard he was nervous, worried, borderline afraid. He was of the strong impression that he was not aware of what exactly, though.

-to Remus it seemed as though lately he did not know anything anymore-

They, he and Sirius, were falling and his throat was constricting and his thoughts were by far more confused and messed up than the bed covers which had been ripped from the mattress like some unlucky, desperate lover who was forced to part from his beloved.

-But who can blame me for my confusion? I seem to have the disturbing tendency to fall...fall for conceited idiots and from great hights.I wonder which will prove to be the more dangerous, fatal, tedious thing...-

And after they fell, they landed, or rather he landed while Sirius crashed into the ground and sheltered him from the impact with his own body, his bones and wonders.

A startled sound, a crimson coloured curse was breathed from the others tempting, urging lips and he could see the shadow of pain which crawled at an almost leisurely pace across the Black's alabaster features.

"Sirius...?"

Said creature, this blend in and meld together of the coldest colours opened his eyes, allowed them to cath the lycan's and Remus found himself unable to say or think anything more.

Even breathing seemed to be a abdominable burden.

Remus was lying on the other, straddling him and while their legs were still pointing skyward their heads and shoulders had a rather unfriendly confrontation with the floor.

A frown marred Sirius' eyebrows and cast shadows on his lopsided smile.

"Great, now I have lived though all of my predestined stages:burning star, bright star, shooting star, and, of course, bloody comment-who-thinks-that-it's-amusing-to-bang-heads-with-mother-earth-- fck that hurt."

The comment was unusual, off topic and felt foreign against his skin where Sirius' lips had dropped it off and yet...it felt good. True. Refreshing. He thought that it was their position, mingled together and strewn across each other that made it so, but Remus merely smiled, tucked a strand of hair behind Sirius' ear and found himself to be mind blowingly content.

There was a secure footfall and James apperaed in their line of vision, hair messy, face disorted by a grin.

"Well, Mssr Lupin, Mssr Black, it seems that there are things that truly surprisingly surprise me, like, for an example this impromptu hug session on the floor, which not even I had seen coming. So -Would you mind to indulge me in the latest insanity of yours and the reason for it...?"

"Remus is one messy sleeper-"

"and?"

"rolls around like mad"

"and?"

"threw us out of my bed."

"So you're both loony and sport obsession with our floor now?"

Both boys shook their heads, Sirius with a grin, Remus with an intense and knowing look in his eyes -he might be loony, but the reason for the embrace, the shared bed, his hopes seemed to be linked with with another word, a word which started with l-and while this very word used to be too big, to scary for him, it had -somewhere between a Kiss and his ittle deat- ceased to eat him alive.

It seemed that "all" it cost them to get over heartache and angst was-

themselves.

Remus had not the slightest intention of letting the other go and had never been this assured, this willing to fight

James' face contorted in displeasure they locked gazes and decided to distract the brown haired boy.

For the lycan found that no matter how awkward, how testing it was to be with Sirius, that no matter how insane it all seemed to be- this -this fall, this feelings, this attraction-was something he was far from willing to share.

It belonged to him and he intended to tuck it against his chest, inside his being and live with it until -

the last sun had burned the world to ashes

* * *

-_yawn_- I pretty much pulled an all nighter for this...the annoying thing is, that this chapter was almost finished in spring...but things went haywire and I thought"why not add a bit more?"...I really should have known better.

I'd advice you to visit my profile- I changed it, too. Now there should be a link to a side where you can, if you want to, of course, register. If you do so you can search for "Amaya(underline)aka(underline)Satu" and when you find this nick(yup, that's silly old me) you can write me a note in my guestbook. I will add you to my so called "buddy" list and this should enable you to see when I am online(when you visit this side at least). I thought it...right, after I have made you wait for so long...now when I am online you can see me and demand an update and try to kick some semblance of sense into me. I can't promise that I will be easy to handle...but I could not rest knowing that I am such a ponce.

Did any of you even understand what I wrote? It feels like complete gibbersish to me ...

**Nelia**: I do hope that your wow is the same as mine...because I was really, really about this comment and would hate it, if it were to mean something less wonderful.  
Let me tell you...I suffer with both of them as well. I might start writing with a grin on my face, but the more I write the more the urge to cry grows -shakes head- and I usually start to hate myself for not only putting them through this misery but for also creating and inventing it in the first place.  
Sirius needs to be there, he is like some kind of anti-hero...always claiming to be a no-good bad-ass but in truth...he is just very loyal. I am sure that he'll try to make things better for the two of them.

-_returns hug_- Yeah let's be happy about the fact, that I am indestructable and so very stubborn. I am worse than weed...you simply can not get rid of me. Thank you, so much. For your kind words and support. When I read your name I get a warm feeling and am so happy...

**Lithien**: Then tell me, oh sage of mine, why are people sometimes such strange creatures? I don't think that I will ever be granted the power to understand humanity...or teens, for that matter -laughs-  
The different writing styles were hard to write, but necessary, it is sooooo nice to hear that you appreciated my... effort. This story is strange, isn't it? It shows a lot of Sirius's sides without letting one in on his actual thoughts...I might want to write something from his POV in the near future, but my first goal will be to weave this story together. I sometimes fear that my Sirius is to OOC; because I, accidentally, seem to have given him character traits that I have myself(a friend declared this...)  
Nah, the end is nowhere near in sight...it will be a struggle, because I tend to abandon multi chaptered fics, but I have not lost my love for the puppies and as long as people review and want more I'll write.  
I want to cuddle Rem' constantly...unless, of course, he is in denial...the older Remus, the one around PoA...he is difficult to cuddle, don't you think? Not liking, not forgiving...neither himself nor anyone.  
Ah, I am stubborn, things are better now and while I am unhappy with myself I have confidence that I'll be able to have a nice future. I am sorry to have burdened you with my , though...  
You thing the story is intriguing?thoughtful? I was sure that it was lacking...I hope that this chapter is, at least, bearable.

**Lightenmd**: You're great! Writing an extra comment just to congratulate me -grins- but I love comments so I was and am very happy about that. Dark?Intense?Weird? bull'seye that sums me up really well ;) I hope that I have earned another review...even when this chapter is...well not satisfactory, I fear

**KISS-ME-IN-THE-SHADOWS**: Well, that's an interesting pen name if I ever read one. How did you decide on this one? Thank you for your support, all kinds of comments will be used to pay my muse, who is way too easily distracted. Can I bribe you to leave me another review?? -puppy dogs eyes-

**moony the chupz** : Ah, this is gold, thank you, dear.  
But if you believe it or not, I have a reason for this misspelling. Ciaran was, at first, a femme. However I noticed while writing that I, for one, dislike female OC's- they could always morph into evil Mary Sue's- and that the whole thing feels off when this character is female, so I altered the sex and Mairing turned into Ciaran.  
I am extremely thankful for you note...while beta reading my old chapters I stumbled upon the myrriad of spelling mistakes I made-shudder- this is why I appreciate it when somebody informs me about my mistakes.  
Le shonen ai est médecine x3

**HikariAlex:** Ah how I enjoy it, when somebody reviews, who has been silent until now -smiles happily-. It makes me a bit...uncomfortable for having you troubled with my a/n, but I am also very glad, because it allowed me to read such a ...nice, gentle, soothing review. I worry for you, because you say that you can detect a part of yourself in me(in my opinion it does not matter how much somebody suffers...pain is one of the things we all have in common). This may sound hypocrtical, but I'd like to know if I can help you. Your words were wonderful and highly appreciated and I'd like to see more of a person who can be this breathtakingly nice. I hope that I did not haunt you too much, but the the notion of you thinking about me...was..like medicine for my troubled and sometimes destructiv mind. I think I actually cried, which is- really- a rare thing for me to do. I thought, for the longest time, that I was neither human, nor free...that is why your reviews struck a cord within me. I do not think that I am a wonderful person and fear that I would greatly dissapoint you, if you were to meet me; I am complicated and confusing...but believe me, please, when I tell you, that you helped me to go on. I never had a review that was this considerare. Thank you...

**Warriorbride**: You made me realise that I should wirte the comments for the reviewers as soon as I read them...usually I am damn extatic,but after a few days I sound terrible aloof...your review gave me a bright smile and a lot of strength, thank you.  
I hope that my voice is not too shrill or unpleasant.

**Krissy**:-kreb- Du bist einfach klasse- widersprich mir nicht! tutu

**enix-XIII**: oi you almost kept me from writing -looks accusingly at you- Your name reminded me, how much I wanted to play some Square Enix games again...but besides that -grins- I am absolutely happy to read you. Reviews are important and you made me grin. And yes, I was drunk...I used to drink way too much...now I am a well trained author and write while sober

**Rosiee: **Heya Someone who uses japanese emoticons! nn That's rare...It's really great of you to leave a review...I hope that this chapter will not make you hate the story...would be so kind ad click on the little button down there again, please?

**dristi**: Ihre Annahme ist, wie könnte es auch anders sein, richtig; ich verstehe dt, denn immerhin ist es meine Muttersprache, auch wenn sie mir nicht sonderlich gelegen ist -grien-  
Mein Kopf ist leider auch nicht einfach, deshalb fällt es mir bedenklich schwer, Sätze zu formen und Wege zu beschreiben, die jemand anderes mit Leichtigkeit verfolgen könnte. Es ist eine meiner manigfachen Schwächen...es ist schön zu hören, dass ich es vermochte Sie zu berühren, dies war meine usprüngliche Emotion: Eine eigenständige, bewegende Geschichte zu verfassen, die nicht den andern allzu sehr ähnelt.  
Das Leben ist, ungleich der blosen Existenz, sehr teuer, dieser Meinung bin ich ebenfalls. Geschenkt bekommt man nichts, nichts Schönes zumindest und es muss viel Leid überstanden werden, ehe man in der Lage ist etwas in den Händen zu halten, nachdem man sich gesehnt hat.  
Ich versuche mit dieser Geschichte zu zeigen, dass Liebe einen nicht in den Schoß fällt, dass es aber auch wichtig ist, nicht zu viel zu zahlen. Man sollte sich nicht selbst aufgeben und nicht versuchen die Macht die man über einen anderen Menschen hat zu missbrauchen. Jedem menschen fällt es einfach in der unschönen Vergangenheit zu leben, es scheint, dass und das Schlechte irgendwo auch lieb und teuer ist, da wir uns damit profilieren können. Ich möchte nicht, dass Sirius und Remus sich so benehmen. Sie leiden da sie einander Schmerzen zufügen, schlimmer als ihre eigenen Blessuren sollen die des Geliebten sein; wenn man mit jemanden lachen kann, die Freude genießen kann ohne sich betrogen zu fühlen hat man ein bisschen Glück in den Händen.  
Sie haben sehr gute Augen und einen angenehmen Verstand; es freut mich, dass Sie mir ihre Meinung gesagt haben, es hilft mir, dass Gefühl los zu werden, dass diese Geschichte nutzlos oder völlig trivial sei. Dieses Kapitel mag nun schrecklich sein, aber ich hoffe, dass Sie es in sich haben, mir eine weitere Review zu schenken- das Sietzen ist nebenbei keine Vorraussetzung, es führt nur dazu, dass ich mich älter fühle als ich schon bin -husts-

**Phiso**: The first line of your review, or rather its first part, almost made my heart stop; I was thinking for sure that you hated my story...  
I am glad that you did not(you might do so now, though...this chapter is awful) but I'd wish that you wouldn't have to feel this uncomfortable to read it. 30,000 words are a bit...especially when you read it in one go- but how could you have known that the story is this long? I doubt that all stories out there have such long chapters. My problem is that I can not stop until it feeels right,every chapter needs to end with a "strong" sentence in my opinion- that is why I attempt to play with my words.  
Hnnn...your comment makes me wonder where my way of writing stemms from, but unique is, usually, something good, right? I am really afraid that you'll despise the story after this chapter...your comment also made me give one of my so-called patented lop sided smiles(friends can be annyoing buggers...epsecially if they spend their time analysing your expressions). Your words were soothing, because you pin pointed perfectly what I was trying to say, you too, have a keen eye and a intersting mind. I fear that I never could write sacharine sweet stories which do not show how troublesome life and love can be. Perfect and Secure are the right words...and you definitelly wrote of my most treasured reviews for this story, thank you. hmmm, you are good...you addressed the topic which rattled me as well. If you have noticed I changed Remus' age to 14...he was 13 in 3rd year and only turned later. I wondered if anyone would notice how...strange they were acting for their age and now I am actually relieved that somebody said this. I like honest people and honest words, as long as they are not uttered in a painnful or cold way I can live with them very well. I would make them even older...but the whole shriekng shack incident will probably be portayed here and they were in 5th grade then...so I decided to settle for their 4th year, even when it feels strange to write such young characters(6th year would have a different feeling to it, because of Sirius' "flight" from Grimmauld Place, I think...). It has been one year since I started writing on this...how strange it is to meassure time with words, but it is also saying a lot, portraying a lot. Thank you, _dearly, _for your words. You pretty much forced me out of my slump_ -grins-_


	9. Follow the rabbit

I am sorry,

but seeing as I appear to have bolloc*ed up the last chapter, or, as I fear, every chapter before that as well, I do not know how to continue. I accept the belief that it is pathetic to be dependend on the reviewers the way I am, but...I think that the almost complete lack of reviews is a telltale sign of my failure. I do not know what I did wrong, I don't know how I can compensate or apologise any further for the black hole I call my writing skills, but...please remember that I did not mean to manifest this horror; I truly wanted to create something nice and interesting, something that can, maybe, intrigue you and liberate me. I doubt that I will continue to post anymore TwiSy chapters any time soon, despite the fact that I hope to keep writing on it. I might be bold enough to post the following chapters when I finish the story, preferably before the new millenia steps on my foot, or before I crumble to dust, but I refuse to promise anything. I have the talent to jinx myself to easily and have a severe dislike for restraints and empty words.

I want to thank everyone who was ever kind enough to bestow me with their words and who followed this wayward journey of mine.

And since I do not want to leave nothing but an annoying note, I'll translate something from my other nonsense snippets and try to not be such a prat. It's a part of a drabble about Sirius, with the theme "insanity"(sequel to Dead is the New Alive)~

-

They all think him to be mental.

He sees it- _the suspicion and thought and belief_- in their eyes, hears it in the screeching silence, which, like his unwanted shadow, steals itself constantly in every room he enters. He feels it in the way they shudder when he dares to touch them with stubborn hands and an invisible smile sleeping on his lips.

It is almost as though they expect his icy hands, his corpse breath to reach through their skin and into their hearts...

It is sad that Sirius is _not _mental enough to share their illusion, the _boycorpseman_ simply _knows_ that they do not posses hearts, and probably never will.

Not for him.

-

It becomes apparent that he is, however, insane enough to stay-_ to rot,cry,bleed_- in London, when it is even _Remus_ who shies away from his touch.

-

The black haired man finds this reaction truly _amusing_; because he is not even close enough to _touch_ the lycan skin deep, how, in the name of Merlin's socks, is he supposed to cradle the heart lying beneath all these lies and scars? He can barely _dream _of it, their past, their love as it is; and even the dreams force him to utter a laugh that is all tears and broken glass.

-

It's two days and numerous days since the werewolf did so much as_ look_ at him, and Sirius_ yearns_ to be insane, because at least then the gap between them, the coldness would be no more than a hallucination.


End file.
